Thursday, January 12, 2023

Looking Backwards to Memories in Search of Healing

I will be the first to admit that I have always been a daydreamer and someone who tends to "drift off" on a cloud of thoughts inside my head.

Part of that stems from having a particular version of ADHD (if you believe that's a real "thing"), part of that stems from an eternal quest to find answers.

One of my patterns seems to be that I spend a lot of time "looking backwards." Not in the sense that I am always "reliving" old painful and embarrassing moments — a common thing among we HSPs — but in the sense that I am trying to find "key moments" where my path took a turn that somehow has resulted in struggle and pain, many years later. It almost feels like a desire to go back at look at those moments, with a sad reflection of "if ONLY I had gone left instead of right, maybe things would be different now."

I suppose some people who characterize such thoughts as "regret."

I am not sure.

I don't feel regretful, so much as I feel compelled to somehow "learn something" to help me not make future decisions that lead to more hardship; more iterations of looking back from some future date and considering what I could have done differently... in what is now my present. Of course, it easily becomes an endless loop of speculation, so I don't "go there" very often!

To the degree that there is a pattern, it seems to be that I invariably make really poor decisions during times when I really don't like myself, and don't believe in myself. 

Perhaps the lesson here is that I should just avoid making important decisions at such times... perhaps I would be better served by pausing and working on myself, instead.

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