Looking Backwards to Memories in Search of Healing

I will be the first to admit that I have always been a daydreamer and someone who tends to "drift off" on a cloud of thoughts inside my head.

Part of that stems from having a particular version of ADHD (if you believe that's a real "thing"), part of that stems from an eternal quest to find answers.

One of my patterns seems to be that I spend a lot of time "looking backwards." Not in the sense that I am always "reliving" old painful and embarrassing moments — a common thing among we HSPs — but in the sense that I am trying to find "key moments" where my path took a turn that somehow has resulted in struggle and pain, many years later. It almost feels like a desire to go back at look at those moments, with a sad reflection of "if ONLY I had gone left instead of right, maybe things would be different now."

I suppose some people who characterize such thoughts as "regret."

I am not sure.

I don't feel regretful, so much as I feel compelled to somehow "learn something" to help me not make future decisions that lead to more hardship; more iterations of looking back from some future date and considering what I could have done differently... in what is now my present. Of course, it easily becomes an endless loop of speculation, so I don't "go there" very often!

To the degree that there is a pattern, it seems to be that I invariably make really poor decisions during times when I really don't like myself, and don't believe in myself. 

Perhaps the lesson here is that I should just avoid making important decisions at such times... perhaps I would be better served by pausing and working on myself, instead.

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I hope you enjoyed your visit here! HSP Notes has been published continuously since 2002, and I do this entirely as a "labor of love." However, if you feel that this site is of value to you, please consider becoming a "supporter" of HSP Notes, via my Patreon Art Account. Or support my creative endeavors by purchasing one of my hand painted stones — links in the right-hand column!

I have created a special $2 support level, being mindful that most HSPs are on a budget. Your contributions allow me the TIME to continue writing, rather than being forced to abandon the blog and use my writing time to pursue an additional outside job. Your consideration is greatly appreciated, and — as the idealist that I am — I believe the best way we can create a better world for all of us is to support each other's creative endeavors!

HSP Life: Do we get More Sensitive as we Age?

One of the questions I have been asked a lot over the years is whether or not we get more sensitive, as we age.

It's definitely a worthy question, and many people I have talked to are convinced that their sensitivity has increased as they entered their 40's 50's, 60's and beyond.

Personally speaking, I don't really believe that we get more sensitive as we age. I think we just become more aware of our sensitivities. We also gain more life experience, meaning that we are more readily able to be tuned in to what's going on with us, in terms of emotions, stimulation level, and so forth.

To be a little more specific, when we start to feel overstimulated in a given situation we grow more aware of the fact that what's happening is overstimulation rather than something else like anxiety or nervousness. When we were younger, it was easier to just overlook or tune these things out. This heightened awareness doesn't necessarily mean that we are more sensitive it just means we're more tuned in to our sensitivity. 

Since I have experienced that growing awareness in my own life as I have aged — I will turn 62, later this year — the outcome is that I tend to step away from more situations than I did in my youth. To the casual observer number that might look like I have become more sensitive than I used to be, because I am a less willing participant in what I generally think of as "noisy activities."

From the inside, however, I really don't feel any more sensitive than I ever was. 

This particular topic has been discussed at great length at workshops and in a number of online HSP forums and other discussion groups and people never seem to arrive at a firm conclusion. 

I am just not convinced that we become more sensitive as we age, I just think we become less tolerant of/willing to deal with overstimulation when we know we're facing a situation in which it is likely to happen. 

I'll finish with the reminder that this is just my experience, and my opinion... and yours might be quite different!

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I hope you enjoyed your visit here! HSP Notes has been published continuously since 2002, and I do this entirely as a "labor of love." However, if you feel that this site is of value to you, please consider becoming a "supporter" of HSP Notes, via my Patreon Art Account. Or support my creative endeavors by purchasing one of my hand painted stones — links in the right-hand column!

I have created a special $2 support level, being mindful that most HSPs are on a budget. Your contributions allow me the TIME to continue writing, rather than being forced to abandon the blog and use my writing time to pursue an additional outside job. Your consideration is greatly appreciated, and — as the idealist that I am — I believe the best way we can create a better world for all of us is to support each other's creative endeavors!

HSP Living: Be Kind, Whenever Possible!

Be kind whenever possible. It is ALWAYS possible!

~ H.H. The Dalai Lama

The above quote has been a favorite of mine for a very long time.

It resonates rather deeply with me, and I realized recently that the underlying idea has been close to my heart since childhood.

When I was a little kid — perhaps no more than 5-6 years old — I distinctly remember one of my core desires in life was for people to just be nice to each other. I just wanted people to get along.

To my considerable distress, so many people around me seemed both mean and harsh... and definitely not kind to each other. In many ways, it was the harshness and abrasiveness of the external world that ultimately inspired the (working) title for a book I have been working on for some years: "Please Don't Yell At Me!"

Even when people were not actually yelling, their very "way of being" felt very loud and invasive, and I found myself wanting to get away from it. This tendency became even more pronounced when I started school and encountered bullies, for the first time!

Of course, I must hasten to add that mere "kindness" is not an actual attribute of the HSP trait. HSPs can be kind... or not. However, what does tend to become part of an HSP's experience of life is the lingering effects left behind by those people who are not kind to us.

Because we experience everything so intensely, we also tend to experience a lack of kindness very intensely... and then we go on to remember it for a long time, regardless of whether we "want to," or not. Even when it might be well-meaning, someone saying "You just need to get OVER it!" is not very helpful. You've probably experienced that...

Standing By Our Values...

It can be quite a challenge to stand by our values; our core sense of what feels right... in a world that often doesn't seem to care about such things.

When people are being buttheads and mean to us, there's often a temptation to "rise, and take the bait" and return the argument in-kind. But — as a wise person once pointed out to me — a nasty individual has far more practice at being nasty than I have!

On the other hand, I have often found that my refusal to get embroiled in a loud and overstimulating argument is perceived as a variety of generally negative things... from being passive, to being weak, to not caring, to lacking passion.

More than 90% of the time, those assertions are simply not true!

So I remind myself of a few things I have learned, along the way:

I can be enthusiastic, without yelling.
I can be passionate, without overpowering.
I can have boundaries, without being forceful.
And I can be kind, whenever possible!

Thanks for reading!

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I hope you enjoyed your visit here! HSP Notes has been published continuously since 2002, and I do this entirely as a "labor of love." However, if you feel that this site is of value to you, please consider becoming a "supporter" of HSP Notes, via my Patreon Art Account. Or support my creative endeavors by purchasing one of my hand painted stones — links in the right-hand column!

I have created a special $2 support level, being mindful that most HSPs are on a budget. Your contributions allow me the TIME to continue writing, rather than being forced to abandon the blog and use my writing time to pursue an additional outside job. Your consideration is greatly appreciated, and — as the idealist that I am — I believe the best way we can create a better world for all of us is to support each other's creative endeavors!

HSPs, Hurt Feelings and Imaginary Slights: Examining EMOTIONAL Sensitivity

Depending on who you ask, "getting your feelings hurt really easily" is-- or is not-- at the heart of what "Being A Highly Sensitive Person" is all about.

For some people, it feels like it is precisely what it means "to be an HSP."

I happen to be one of the HSPs who does not believe this is the core of our HSP-ness. Neither does Elaine Aron, and she's the one who did the original research on high sensitivity. In fact, if you take a deeper look at Elaine's writings and books you will find that she doesn't say much about this topic, at all. And if you look at Elaine's Sensitivity Self-Test there's not a single question there phrased like "I get my feelings hurt very easily Y/N."

Part of the "problem" is that "Sensitivity" is a difficult word to define. And a lot of folks latch onto some interpretation of the word that's meaningful to them, and then declare themselves a "Highly Sensitive Person" without ever looking at the science and research that gave rise to the term. Ironically, this is just a variation on the way we HSPs often feel marginalized by the way non-HSPs will "label" and judge us unfairly, based on an incorrect/incomplete interpretation of the word "sensitive."

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people in the world who are emotionally sensitive. And a lot of these emotionally sensitive people are HSPs. But there are also a lot of HSPs who are not particularly emotionally sensitive. There's no doubt the two can be quite similar... but they are not the same thing!

The thing that sometimes baffles me is the way people can go take Elaine's sensitivity self-test, answer "yes" to almost ALL the questions... and yet the only thing they ever talk about is how they get their feelings hurt all the time.

Humor me, and take a moment to go look at the questionnaire (link above). Don't look at it from the perspective of "evaluating yourself," but from the perspective of actually reading each item in the list and then considering what it is actually asking or saying. What is the quiz designed to actually ascertain?

I'm often surprised by the sheer number of people who do this little exercise and then come back to me and say "Yeah, but that's not really HOW I see myself as being highly sensitive."

OK...?

But you still answered "yes" to 25 of the 27 questions... and yet you're saying you don't actually "identify" with Elaine Aron's definition of an HSP. If you don't mind my asking, why are you embracing this "label" if it actually isn't that accurate for you?

In many ways, I'm a bit of what you might call a "cage rattler." I rattle people's "cages" because I believe-- based both on personal (and often uncomfortable) experience as well as 30-odd years rattling around the consciousness and self-development industry-- that most true healing that leads us towards living a balanced and happy life demands that we look at the "uncomfortable truths" in our lives. I definitely do not "rattle people's cages" because I like to hurt feelings... I rattle cages because sometimes we have to be "jolted" out of our natural tendencies to grow complacent about our self-growth process.

So if your "feelings are hurt" by what I have just written here, I'm sorry about that. But let's use it as an opportunity to take a deeper look at the HSP trait, as it really is.

What we HSPs have-- when we use Elaine Aron's original definition-- is "a finely tuned nervous system." And that manifests in many, many different ways.

Some of these ways are-- definitely-- "emotionally based" or "of the mind." We process deeply. We notice subtleties. We feel people's moods and energies. We experience "intensely." We're typically very empathic.

Naturally, we will also experience hurts-- like feeling slighted or insulted-- more intensely. And because of the "deep processing" we engage in, we're likely to "brood" more. When something it hurtful, it hurts us more than non-HSPs. On the other hand (and this tends to be overlooked, or forgotten!) when we experience something amazing, we also experience JOY more intensely.

In her workshops and books, one of the things Elaine Aron has repeatedly pointed out is that HSPs who grew up in "difficult" childhood situations are likely to be more "damaged" by their situation than their non-HSP peers, and more likely to experience pain from subsequent difficulties, hurts and setbacks... BUT, HSPs who grew up with a "supportive" childhood situation are actually LESS likely than their non-HSP peers to experience pain from slights and setbacks.

By extension, such a "well balanced" HSP is also less likely to dwell easily hurt feelings, because of a greater capacity to deal with such incidents. For them, "easily hurt feelings" isn't part of the HSP "equation."

In short, we HSPs tend to live towards the extreme ends of the spectrum... on both the positive and negative sides.

But let's get back to HSPs and easily hurt feelings.

Nobody-- least of all me-- is trying to take away or marginalize anyone's right to have easily hurt feelings! Truthfully, these both are, and are not, related to being an HSP.  The important thing is that we must understand what they actually "are." They may be "related," but are not part of the "definition" of the trait... they are part of how the trait leads us to process negative experiences. It's a bit like one of those "word problems" back in school:

When you're an HSP you may experience painful situations more deeply and you may experience hurt feelings more deeply, but simply getting your feelings hurt deeply and easily does not "make you an HSP."

Personally, I am "emotionally sensitive." But it was never that tendency to get my feelings hurt easily nor my tendency to perceive "general neutral statements" as "slights" directed specifically at ME that led me to "identify" with "Being a Highly Sensitive Person," back in 1997. It was relating to how all the world always felt overwhelming and overstimulating to me. Were my hurt feelings and hyper-awareness of "imaginary" slights authentic and real? Absolutely! But "real" as they were, they were not-- and ARE not-- what "makes" me an HSP.

If there's a "definition" that fits what it "means" to be an HSP, it is that we are easily overwhelmed and overstimulated by LIFE. "Hurt feelings" and "slights" are just a tiny, tiny corner of that bigger picture called "life." "Hurt feelings" are a consequence of something; a response; a reaction... but not a neurological state. Choosing to define our HSP-ness as revolving around "easily hurt feelings" is a bit like focusing on a red flower in a painting while being oblivious to the entire landscape the artist painted for us.

Now, some might say that I am "splitting hairs" over minor semantic details... but... not really. And I write quite a bit about the topic of emotional sensitivity, as well. If this is a topic of interest to you, you might wish to check out my article "HSP Living: Intense Feelings and Learning to Respond Instead of React"  which examines how we as "intense HSPs" can best handle our feelings.

In "scientific terms" what we're talking about is the difference between a "causal" and a "coincidental" relationship between "easily hurt feelings" and "being an HSP." And that's a big difference.

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Talk Back: How do you "identify" your sensitivity? Have "easily hurt feelings" been central to how you perceive yourself as being "highly sensitive?" Is that still true? When you took Elaine Aron's HSP quiz, did you answer "yes" to almost all the questions? Did some of the HSP "definition" leave you with doubts, or does it fit perfectly? Please leave a comment! 

Sharing is Love! If you found this article helpful, interesting, thought provoking or useful, please share it with others! Use the buttons below to post to social media or send by email, and help be part of  the ongoing process of spreading general awareness of the HSP trait. Thank you!
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HSPs and the Fine Art of Building Up, not Tearing Down

You've probably had people in your life who seemed very negative... and whose primary purpose in the world seemed to be to "tear apart" pretty much any idea or suggestion that comes along. Of course, such a tendency isn't necessarily "an HSP thing."

That said, we HSPs-- possibly as a result of our tendencies to dwell deeply and endlessly on bad things that happened to us in the past-- seem to have a way of finding reasons "not to."

What do I mean by that?

We often seem to be a wellspring of reasons "not to" participate, "not to" share an opinion, "not to" get involved, "not to" join something and more. Perhaps you even recognize this in yourself... and-- most likely-- you have a "perfectly reasonable" explanation whenever you choose this path.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with retreating to your "comfort zone" if you genuinely feel like something is going to overstimulate and overwhelm you. However, when it's "just an excuse" and that comfort zone shrinks to no more than a tiny hole that excludes almost all of life... then we have a problem. And that may also be when it starts feeling like others are judging us negatively.

Think about this for a moment: Do you find yourself in situations where someone asks you to be part of something, or do something, and the first thing that comes into your mind is to try to find all the ways in which what's being offered is "wrong?" Do you sometimes apply this to people... people who are perhaps trying to befriend you, and yet you decide to "find fault" with some trivial aspect of who they are... so you can back away from the friendship?

Conversely, sometimes it's ourselves we "tear down," not others. Maybe we're asked to be part of some activity, but back away and beg off, citing that we're not "experienced enough" or "skilled enough." Underneath... we simply feel "not worthy."

It's not easy being an HSP in a not-so-sensitive world. I'll be the first to admit that...

Sometimes, though, we just have to say "yes" and start building something, rather than always finding fault and tearing things down.

It's a simple fact of life-- not just HSP life-- that it's easier to tear something down, than to build it up. And it's easier to try to force others to bend their reality to fit ours, than to step up and make compromises of our own.

Of course, you may be reading these words and thinking "But wait! It's usually ME who gets town down, not vice versa!"

Even if that is so, this is still an invitation to "start building." When we work on ourselves and have a solid "foundation," then it becomes not only easier to stand up to those who would tear us down, it becomes easier to go forth in the world and be participants who say yes-- from a place of awareness-- because we have a stronger sense of self to return to, even when we do make compromises.

Sharing is Love! Use the buttons below to share this article with others, and be part of spreading general awareness of the HSP trait. Thank you!
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The HSP Journey To Understanding

A short while ago, I was browsing recent posts on a large and active HSP forum on Facebook. I was both amazed and moved by the vast array of questions, comments and experiences shared there.

As I kept reading-- and would occasionally come across a "pointed" opinion or two, it occurred to me that "where we are" on our individual journeys not only matters, but is extremely important.

In a group the size I was looking at-- almost 2000 fellow highly sensitive people-- some will have learned that they are this thing called "an HSP" just yesterday... while others might have been among the very first to pick up a copy of Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person" when it was published, in 1996.

I was part of the web's very first group of HSPs, back in the early days. We thought it was "amazing" that there were a couple of dozen of us! Imagine that! Today there are groups and forums-- multiples of them-- with more than 2000 members.

But belonging to that first group doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP." Having an old dog-eared copy of "The Highly Sensitive Person" from the first printing doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP." Having kept this blog for over ten years doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP with a blog."

And yet? It is extremely important for me to always stay mindful of the fact whereas I don't have "the answers," I have spent 15+ years asking "the questions." And it's my responsibility to not roll my eyes and grow impatient when someone asks a question I have already heard 3,000 times. And I must remember that I don't have THE answers... only MY answers.

I see many questions about "what is" and "what is not" part of being an HSP... and I am reminded that not only will our experiences differ based on how long we've been working on integrating the trait into our daily lives... they will differ based on who we are, as individuals. My fellow HSPs think/believe different things about what it means to be Highly Sensitive.

Are some "facts?" Sure.
Are some "opinions and theories?" Sure.
Are some "wishful thinking?" Sure.
Are some "just plain wrong?" Sure.

But asking questions and seeking answers represent the central part of the "journey to ourselves." I may be able to share information, but I can't teach wisdom... actual wisdom comes from within the student.

Much as we sometimes tend to think otherwise, let us not lose sight of the fact that HSPs are "unique and different people" just like everyone else in the world. The assumption that others are going to be "just like us" for no reason other than their also being HSPs is... well... not only wrong, but potentially hurtful, because it throws boxes and limitations around people. We may have similar interests... or not. We may have similar tastes... or not. We may have similar preferences... or not.

Last-- but not least-- I'd encourage those who have been "playing this gig for a long time" to sometimes pause and remember how they felt, when they'd just learned there was such a thing as a "highly sensitive person." And keep that feeling front and center, when evaluating whether or not to send off a "snappy" or impatient response to someone asking a simple question about the trait... for the first time.

It's all good. And it's all part of learning and being who we are...

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Talk Back! Where are you, on your journey of exploring what it means to be an HSP? Are you learning things that surprised you?  Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSP Living: In defense of Comfort Zones

I've probably spent entirely too much of my life being involved in the "conscious community," the self-development industry and so-called "self-improvement."

That said, it seems to be a major part of most HSPs' lives. As a highly sensitive person, I am just drawn to these fields-- I'm just fascinated by the workings of the human species-- and if you're an HSP, you probably are, too.

Depending on one's perspective, I am alternately "blessed"-- or "cursed"-- with a brain that's equally content to meander around in the "right-brained" universe of creativity, intuitive leaps of faith and the abstract as it is taking a cruise in the "left-brained" world of numbers, logic and "the facts of life."

Bottom line: I really like studying vast amounts of data and extrapolating unexpected trends and patterns.

But I am digressing.
Let's just leave it at "I look at a LOT of this stuff."

Most people who have spent any time at all looking to "improve" themselves, or "find balance," or "find inner peace," or just trying to understand themselves will have run into the popular maxim that in order to develop yourself and "go anywhere" you simply must work outside your comfort zones.

In a sense, I feel that "comfort zones" have been given a really bad rap by mainstream psychology and self-improvement experts as the domain of the apathetic and unconscious; those who don't "care enough" to truly make themselves stronger and better.

But the more I think about it... the less I like this idea that our comfort zones are automatically judged, labeled and then executed as "the bad guy" in the greater equation of our evolving lives. And for the HSP, I believe comfort zones are actually an essential part of our well-being. And, let's face it, Elaine Aron (author of "The Highly Sensitive Person") even calls her own newsletter for HSPs "The Comfort Zone."

Odds are she wouldn't do that, if she thought we should avoid comfort zones.

For many HSPs, this perhaps isn't exactly new news. But given our broad-based interest in self-improvement, we're none-the-less surrounded by the constant meta-message that in order to "better ourselves" we must live outside our comfort zones. It feels both conflicting and counter-productive to me.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that falling into a complacent and apathetic stupor is not a good thing-- for HSPs, or for anyone else, for that matter. But I also believe there is such thing as finding happiness and contentment within our comfort zones... in a healthy and balanced sort of way. I have spent many years "working on myself" and as part of that, creating a comfort zone that fits me... and I am very happy here, thank you very much!

And maybe that's the key: "Happy." My comfort zone was an "active creation," not a place where I passively ended up in order to hide, or out of fear of life and the world.

Ultimately, it's all about finding your niche of happiness and contentment; about finding balance. If you like where you are, in your comfort zone, why is it you'd need to go somewhere else, to look for something else?

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Talk Back! Do you have a distinct comfort zone? Do you feel like you "spend too much time" in your comfort zone? Who tells you that? Do people tell you you need to move "outside your comfort zone? Are you in a comfort zone because you feel "at home" there, OR because you are fearful of being outside it? Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSPs and Work: The "Art" of Making a Living

Recently, I have been thinking (and writing) a lot about how we work, as HSPs. It's a complex issue, but one we pretty much all deal with.

When you're highly sensitive, you typically face a whole set of "issues" in work contexts; issues that are different enough from those faced by the rest of the world that most people don't "get it" when certain things cause us distress in work situations.

Often it boils down to other people not understanding why we are "bothered" by certain things-- the lighting, or noise, or people flowing in and out of our office or cubicle. At the same time, some people wonder why we "care" about some of the things we do; why we can't just "let things go" and simply be happy that we are "getting a pay check."

Work for the Highly Sensitive Person can be a delicate balancing act

Rather than just regurgitate (at considerable length...) what I have concluded about HSPs and working, I'd like to instead point you to three articles I ended up writing about this tricky subject, along with one written by fellow HSP writer Grace Kerina for the HSP Health web site. Each link will send you to another web site (perfectly safe, I promise!) where the articles are published. I hope you will get something useful from them!

Article One explores the nature of the many struggles we face in conventional work situations. It focuses on "identifying the issues" and talks a bit about how and why these are issues for HSPs. It is simply called "Work and the Highly Sensitive Person."

Article Two is a fairly in-depth look at what often turns out to be the "best answer" for the Highly Sensitive Person, when it comes to working... namely, Self-Employment. For some HSPs, self-employment is something they naturally reach for, knowing it's how they can best manifest their work ambitions. For others, it's more of a "defensive" strategy to get away from the drudgery of a "corporate" job. "The Highly Sensitive Person and Self-employment" takes a long-- and not always glamorous-- look at the ways working for your self can be both rewarding and challenging for HSPs.

Article Three examines the concept of pursuing our "true Calling" at work. You may have heard of the concept of having a "calling," but what does it really mean? But how do you identify it? And how do you turn something you truly love and thrive at doing into a profession? "Work and the Highly Sensitive Person: Identifying Your Calling" takes a deeper look at the issue of Callings-- what they are, how we identify them, and how we can develop them into an actual profession.

Grace Kerina's article about HSPs and work consists partly of sharing her own path to becoming a self-employed HSP and partly offers helpful suggestions on things to consider, when it comes to figuring out how we might pursue self-employment, as HSPs. Entitled "Highly Self Employed," it is definitely worth a read!

I realize that's a lot of reading, and I hope it doesn't feel too overwhelming! However, this is a very important topic, with many different facets to consider. If it seems like it might take a lot of time to get through, why not bookmark this page and come back for a later read?

Some of this information (but not all!) is also available in Barrie Jaeger's excellent book "Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person," which I highly recommend. If you're and HSP who's baffled, distressed, concerned or otherwise in a state of flux in your work life, DO please consider buying and reading her book for some more valuable insight about HSPs and work. Here's a nifty link-- why not do it right NOW?

I would also love to read your comments and feedback about YOUR work experience as an HSP! Please leave a comment in the "comments" area.

HSPs, Resolutions, Plans... and Letting Go

Happy New Year to all!

A new year is upon us, and for many that means making plans and thinking about "what we want to accomplish" during the next 12 months. I am not a big fan of formal "New Year's Resolutions" (they too often seem to lead to failure, followed by needless feeling bad about ourselves-- something we HSPs do NOT need!), but I do like the idea of thinking about "things I'd like to happen" during the new year.

For the vast majority of people, plans for the new year tend to involve things we want to do, or accomplish, or add to our lives. Maybe we want to get in shape, or spend more time with our friends, or get involved in some activity, or volunteer at a shelter.

However, when was the last time you paused to consider what in your life you need to LET GO of?

I am a big advocate of "simplicity," and believe that "keeping things simple" can be a major part of keeping an "even keel" in life, when you are a highly sensitive person. We tend to wrestle with managing our tendency to become overstimulated... and these feelings of overwhelm often arise because we just have too many things going on.

Part of the HSP trait is a tendency to be extremely conscientious-- which is definitely a positive characteristic. However, it becomes a bit of a problem when it translates into us becoming "loyal to a fault," as a result of which we stay involves in projects, or attached to people or ideas we should long since have walked away from. Unfortunately, it is a common thing for HSPs to "hang on" and "give one more chance" to things we'd be much better off not having in our lives.

So having plans to "add" something new (and hopefully improved!) to our lives is fine and laudable, however, we owe it to ourselves to pause and "take stock," and consider whether we need to remove-- or "let go of"-- something already in our lives that's not serving us, anymore. In other words, instead of just adding our new plans to the general mix of our lives, we have to "make room" for them, first!

It's not always an easy process to let go. Often we have strong attachments to our "involvements" and setting them free tends to feel like we are "failing," somehow. But we must consider that what we "cling to" sometimes is directly in the way of our own progress. And-- if the "letting go" impacts people-- we must find ways to accept that we "can't make everyone happy, all the time." Alas, sometimes the only way forward... is to leave something behind!

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Talk Back! Do you make New Year's Resolutions? Are there things you would "like" to do or change, in 2013? Are there things in your life you realize you could "let go" of, and be happier? Is it difficult to let go of things or people or ideas, even if they don't help you or make your life better? Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSP Issue: NOT everyone is "Supposed To Like You!"

Rejection is difficult... for pretty much anyone. When you're a highly sensitive person, it can be even harder. Not only do many HSPs get their feelings hurt rather easily, but "after the fact," we tend to engage in endless brooding and extensive "post game analyses" of what just happened, hereunder every little nuance of what we could have said and/or done differently.

It's probably part of human nature to want to be well-liked. But sometimes we go overboard in our efforts to be "liked" end end up hurting ourselves in the process. WE do the hurting-- through how we process and treat ourselves-- not the other person.

For HSPs, this can be a particularly troubling issue. Many of us have lived lives of feeling marginalized and misunderstood, so when we do "put ourselves out there," we tend to be very deeply invested in a positive outcome; in being liked. Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that there's a way to "not feel hurt" when someone doesn't like us (aka "rejects" us), just that we can sometimes save ourselves from a lot of pain by simply taking a step back and having a reality check.

Author Rita Mae Brown once wrote:

"I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."

"Conformity" is actually a pretty wide concept. It doesn't just imply conforming to societal and cultural norms, it also can mean conforming to other people's impressions of what we "should" be, like, think, do and so forth. Since HSPs are very good at intuiting what others want and feel, we'll often twist ourselves into a pretzel shape in order to present the "version" of ourselves that would be most appealing to the person we're interacting with. But what happens to us, in our process? Often, we've "lost" ourselves... and what's worse, when our true self "returns" to the connection (once we get comfortable in the relationship) the person we're befriending or connecting with will no longer be dealing with the person they thought they were getting to know... and that's often how friendships (and relationships) fall apart.

As HSPs, what we sometimes lose sight of-- especially when it comes to "feeling liked"-- is the basic fact that not everyone is supposed to like us. And the fact is, not everyone is going to.

So where does the reality check come in?

We must stop and consider whether we have become deeply invested in "impressing"-- and adapting ourselves to "fit"-- people who don't even matter very much to us... in service of our inner need and desire to feel "liked." And we ultimately have to consider why we are bending over backwards to elicit a positive response from some random person who could care less whether we're alive or dead... let alone happy.

Many years ago, I had a deep conversation with an (HSP) friend of mine, about the whole "being liked" issue. She was lamenting the fact that it was so hard for her to make and keep friends... and feeling hurt because she's get talking to "someone" who might be a potential friend and after a short while-- or a couple of get-togethers-- this person's eyes would just start glazing over, and soon enough the connection would wither away.

Eventually I asked her why she was trying to make friends with people she relatively little in common with, and who didn't share her worldview, at all. She shrugged and said "but that's what most people around here are LIKE, and other people seem to have no trouble making friends like that."

Whereas I could "see her point," the bottom line is that HSPs are not "like everyone else." And because of that very fact, it's folly to think that "everyone else" is going to universally think that we're "all that, and a bag of chips." Some years back, I wrote an article about HSPs and the difficulties they face with friendships, and addressed this very point-- among many others.

Because the highly sensitive get easily overstimulated, we have only a limited amount of bandwidth to give to "other people." We owe it to ourselves to be discerning in our choices of whom we share that energy with. We also owe it to ourselves to accept (and even embrace) that NOT everyone is going to like us... and that this is OK, and not something to obsess over. It's not an easy process, and it asks us to let go of some old less-than-healthy beliefs about ourselves, and what we "should" do. But in the end... odd are your life will be less stressful and less painful... and your relationships and friendships more rewarding.

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Talk Back! Do you worry about people liking you? Do you believe that everyone should like you? As an HSP, do you work hard to "make" people like you? Do you find friendships and other relationships frustrating? Have you ever considered that it may be the people you choose that are the problem, not who you are, as a friend? Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSPs and Health Worries-- More on Positive Framing

My previous post "High Sensitivity is not an "Illness:" Framing our lives in a more positive fashion" got a lot of attention-- along with a lot of feedback (some good, some not so good) through various HSP forums and groups.

Today-- on the day following what many (mistakenly) believed would mark "The End of the World," I wanted to follow up with some more thoughts on how we can sometimes "create our own problems," simply by virtue of how we think about-- and act on-- things that happen to us all the time, in our everyday lives. This day seemed appropriate, in the wake of so many people "freaking out and panicking" based on only the flimsiest-- or none at all-- "evidence" that the world might come to an end... essentially, mass hysteria based in fear.

Specifically, I wanted to delve into the often "delicate" issue of HSPs and health... and our propensity for often making things worse than they are. Don't get me wrong-- it's no secret that many HSPs struggle with an array of "health-related issues."

However, some of these issues can also be viewed from the angle of "creating a negative reality."  Specifically, I wanted to examine that tricky issue of what is part of being an HSP and what is not part of being an HSP... including the fact that excessive worry about your health can actually be bad for your health!

Most people will agree that part of being a Highly Sensitive Person is being extremely "tuned in" to ourselves and to our surrounding environment. This higher awareness can be a really good thing-- it can (in particular) help us detect problems before they become problems. Now, we can also consider HSPs-- as a group of people-- and determine that we tend to be fairly health conscious. I should add here that this does not necessarily mean "healthy," just "health CONSCIOUS."

Being aware of things happening in your body-- tiny changes in how you feel; tiny twinges; even the rhythms of your own heart and breathing-- is definitely a part of being an HSP. Certain more psychic-intuitive HSPs may even be able to "see" what is happening within them, and make a correct assessment not only as to what is going on, but as to whether or not it is "serious." But that's effectively about where it ends.

Which brings us around to the issue of "creating a negative reality." An surprisingly large number of HSPs "interpret" these tiny changes and twinges in their bodies from a deeply "fatalistic" perspective. There's a tiny pale spot on their arm (noticed, because they are highly sensitive) and their first thought is that they have skin cancer, and then are off to see 47 specialists. Or they have a tiny twinge in their midsection... and immediately attribute it to a rare gastro-intestinal illness. Or a tiny twitch in their big toe... which is automatically interpreted as a dangerous neurological condition.

What is the deal, here? I'm talking about otherwise well-adjusted people, here.

Being "aware" of tiny things happening to how you're feeling is definitely part of being an HSP... however, "going off" and having something akin to an anxiety attack each time you feel one is very likely NOT.

Certainly, "awareness" is part of a bigger picture that makes us HSPs-- as I wrote previously, "being highly AWARE" is a defining part of the trait. However, HOW WE RESPOND is an individual "thing" that is largely an individual choice. And overall, "blaming" our extreme responses on the trait hardly serves us very well.

The good news about all this is... well...  that "having a health anxiety attack," is something you can definitely seek help for, work on and move past.

A deeper concern is that when we see the tiny pale spot on our arm and immediately respond with "OMG! I have cancer!" we are subconsciously focusing a large amount of our energy on "cancer," thereby making it (at the very least) more likely that we'll actually get/have cancer!

Whether we believe in the metaphysical aspects of the equation, it's well documented that thoughts do have a way of turning into things.

Now, I recognize this probably a "touchy" subject for many HSPs-- and I can already hear a couple of unhappy peanut galleries "going off" on me for writing these words.

One of them is pointing to "that one time" when their shoulder itched and it was a precursor to a heart condition. I absolutely honor that. You were totally right.

Our lovely dog Daisy barks incessantly at EVERYthing. People in the street, squirrels crossing the lawn, the wind, a leaf falling... we (only halfway) joke that she'll go off "because a butterfly farted, three counties away." Daisy's "sensitivity" is not only annoying (noisy) to us, it's annoying to neighbors as well... and the bottom line is that nothing she has barked at here has ever been an actual threat. We do truly appreciate her "awareness" and we know she's a good guard dog... BUT unlike most dogs (even "sensitive" dogs)-- who might raise an eyebrow or an ear in "awareness," Daisy always "goes off" on a long barrage of noisy barking when a leaf falls. She does not know the meaning of a "measured and proportional response."

We're gently and lovingly trying to teach Daisy that she's a wonderful guard dog, but not everything is "a threat." What's my point? As HSPs, we sometimes need to retrain ourselves from "barking too much," before we can make sure that the "something" we're barking at... really IS something to bark at.

The other peanut gallery is going on about about how "we can't just shut it off" and-- by extension-- insisting that "we can't HELP it."

I'm not suggesting that anything be shut off. Of course you "can't help" feeling all these things in your body and your environment. However, you can "help" how you respond to them. Instead of running off to see an ear, nose and throat specialist because you just sneezed once... you might take a moment to pause and observe "Oh, I sneezed. I should keep an eye on that and see if I feel any different in a few hours-- maybe it was just stray pollen."

The issue with HSPs and feeling health-related things is not that they feel something, but how they choose to respond.

You might be thinking I'm "picking on HSPs" (I'm not-- especially since I am one, myself) and asking why I am even concerned. Two reasons: One, perceiving every tiny twinge in your body as a "health threat" is actively focusing your energy and intent on everything in your vicinity actually being a health threat. As I have written many times, thoughts become things! Intent creates.

The second reason I'm concerned has to do with having a clear understanding of what it "means" to be highly sensitive... heightened awareness IS definitely part of the trait... but extreme reactions to what we are "aware of" is not. In many cases, if you truly feel that you "can't help" how you react to things you feel... it may not be "because" you're an HSP-- it's most likely because you actually do have an anxiety or panic disorder of some kind.... and addressing that one issue can help you not have to spend the rest of your life feeling like you are "dealing with something terrible" every time your big toe feels a little "odd."

As we enter these times of "Awakening" and "Ascension," one of the common threads is love and compassion-- for others, and for the self. One of the things we can do for ourselves is to not respond from fear, when something happens within us.

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Talk Back! Are you generally a healthy person? Do you often worry about your health? Do small changes in the way you feel cause you to feel alarmed? Have you ever been told that you "worry too much" about your health? Do you feel like you have a balanced sense of where your feelings are simply "because you're an HSP," and where you might actually BE "worrying too much?" Do you sometimes feel like you might be better off you could "worry less?" Share your experience-- leave a comment!

Sharing is Love! Use the buttons below to share with others, and be part of spreading general awareness of the HSP trait. Thank you!
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