The HSP Journey To Understanding

A short while ago, I was browsing recent posts on a large and active HSP forum on Facebook. I was both amazed and moved by the vast array of questions, comments and experiences shared there.

As I kept reading-- and would occasionally come across a "pointed" opinion or two, it occurred to me that "where we are" on our individual journeys not only matters, but is extremely important.

In a group the size I was looking at-- almost 2000 fellow highly sensitive people-- some will have learned that they are this thing called "an HSP" just yesterday... while others might have been among the very first to pick up a copy of Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person" when it was published, in 1996.

I was part of the web's very first group of HSPs, back in the early days. We thought it was "amazing" that there were a couple of dozen of us! Imagine that! Today there are groups and forums-- multiples of them-- with more than 2000 members.

But belonging to that first group doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP." Having an old dog-eared copy of "The Highly Sensitive Person" from the first printing doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP." Having kept this blog for over ten years doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP with a blog."

And yet? It is extremely important for me to always stay mindful of the fact whereas I don't have "the answers," I have spent 15+ years asking "the questions." And it's my responsibility to not roll my eyes and grow impatient when someone asks a question I have already heard 3,000 times. And I must remember that I don't have THE answers... only MY answers.

I see many questions about "what is" and "what is not" part of being an HSP... and I am reminded that not only will our experiences differ based on how long we've been working on integrating the trait into our daily lives... they will differ based on who we are, as individuals. My fellow HSPs think/believe different things about what it means to be Highly Sensitive.

Are some "facts?" Sure.
Are some "opinions and theories?" Sure.
Are some "wishful thinking?" Sure.
Are some "just plain wrong?" Sure.

But asking questions and seeking answers represent the central part of the "journey to ourselves." I may be able to share information, but I can't teach wisdom... actual wisdom comes from within the student.

Much as we sometimes tend to think otherwise, let us not lose sight of the fact that HSPs are "unique and different people" just like everyone else in the world. The assumption that others are going to be "just like us" for no reason other than their also being HSPs is... well... not only wrong, but potentially hurtful, because it throws boxes and limitations around people. We may have similar interests... or not. We may have similar tastes... or not. We may have similar preferences... or not.

Last-- but not least-- I'd encourage those who have been "playing this gig for a long time" to sometimes pause and remember how they felt, when they'd just learned there was such a thing as a "highly sensitive person." And keep that feeling front and center, when evaluating whether or not to send off a "snappy" or impatient response to someone asking a simple question about the trait... for the first time.

It's all good. And it's all part of learning and being who we are...

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Talk Back! Where are you, on your journey of exploring what it means to be an HSP? Are you learning things that surprised you?  Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSP Groups... Learning What We Must Learn... and Moving On

One of my writing colleagues-- long time fellow HSP blogger Helen Elizabeth (aka "HSP Writer")-- announced in a post a couple of days ago that the time had come for her to stop writing about the HSP experience, as seen through her eyes. 

"There comes a point in any creative endeavor, writing project, or stretch of life's journey when you run out of things to say," she wrote, as one of the primary reasons for packing it in.

Her words offered some eloquent insight into answering a question I frequently encounter in a many of the online HSP groups, forums and mailing lists. Often, someone (usually a fairly recent arrival) will ask "why so-and-so isn't posting anymore," typically referring to a long-time member who has contributed a wealth of insight and information to that community. Normally a variety of answers are offered up, ranging from "they are very busy," to "oh, they got married and moved to a different state." Often... nobody really knows, for sure.

Rarely does anyone stop to consider the possibility that the person in question has simply learned what they joined the group to learn, in the first place... and so it was simply time for them to move on. In online groups a strong sense of community often develops, as a result of which we often lose sight of the fact that many seek out such groups as part of learning about the HSP trait, and what it means in the greater context of our personal experience. Although the group may have considerable social aspects, we forget that group membership is perhaps a little like attending university: at some point we do graduate, and move on. And just like university, we reach a point with our group membership where it just doesn't make sense to linger, any longer.

And so, long-time group members either take their leave, or simply fade away... not because they "don't like the group anymore" or because "someone said something to upset them," but simply because they learned what came to to group to learn.

It's not "personal," it part of the natural cycle of our lives.

Some might point to the fact that some people remain active group members "forever" and continue to contribute to the group. In a sense, the university analogy continues to hold true: some "never leave," because they are called to teach. However, these teachers tend to be a tiny minority, rather than the norm.

Those who leave serve as an important reminder-- or "lesson"-- to us all that life is a constant process of change, and that those who leave our virtual places of learning are as much to be congratulated on their "graduation" as they are to "missed and cried over" for their departure. After all, they found success, in getting what they came for!

Whereas I shall miss "HSP Writer's" words in the blogosphere, it also makes me really happy to know that she found what she was looking for...

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Talk Back! Do you recognize when you are "done" with something-- project, group, relationship-- and must move on? Or do you tend to linger too long? Do you find leavetaking difficult-- even if there is a natural "breakpoint?" Share your experience-- leave a comment!

Sharing is Love! Use the buttons below to share this article with others, and be part of spreading general awareness of the HSP trait. Thank you!
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HSPs and the danger of Mind Reading

One of my teachers once said: "Our thoughts about a thing are usually far worse than the thing, itself."

HSPs tend to be deeply empathic people, and one of the aspects of the trait is that we are often able to sense the moods of others. For some, this empathy borders on what observers might call "psychic" abilities.

However, HSPs often get in trouble because we not only sense someone's general mood, we start "interpreting" what the mood "means," often using our intuition to try to build a "scenario" of what's going on. I call this "mind reading," and it can be a slippery slope to miscommunication and anxiety.

Let's say we're in a room with someone-- let's call him "Bob"-- participating in some kind of work project. And we pick up (quite accurately) that Bob is irritated or angry. So far, no problem. However, with our tendency to be aware of environmental subtleties and then to introspect and process deeply, we start fixating on that anger. Soon a little "chorus" starts up, inside our heads: "Bob is angry. I wonder why Bob is angry. What if Bob is angry because of something I did? Bob doesn't like the way I work! I'm working too slowly for his liking. I have to speed up. But then I'll get flustered, and Bob will get annoyed with me for making mistakes. Bob is angry because he HATES the way I work, and he HATES me!" At which point, we start responding to Bob's anger by becoming defensive... and we start to feel bad about ourselves.

Every found yourself "building" such a scenario, and working yourself into a state of overstimulated anxiety?

In actual fact, Bob is angry because he was in the manager's office 10 minutes before starting work with us, and was told he would have to cancel the long getaway weekend he'd planned to take with his wife because an unexpected project came up. Bob's anger-- which we sensed correctly-- actually had nothing to do with us.

As HSPs, we must be careful to not "mind read" and assign "meaning" to situations without having the relevant information on hand. A better approach to Bob's situation might have been to simply say that he seemed upset, and ask if he wanted to take a break, or if there was anything we could do to help. Often the answer will turn out to be much much simpler-- and far less dramatic-- than the scenarios we create inside our minds!

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Talk Back: Have you ever worked youself into a state of anxiety as a result "mind reading?" Did the situation turn out to be far less severe than you'd originally thought? Leave a comment!

Am I really any wiser about being an HSP?

Seems like I have been learning about "being an HSP" for a long time. Seems like I have learned a thing or two, but sometimes I wonder if I am really any wiser.

One one hand, it is definitely nice to know that there is a biological "cause" for feeling the way I do. On the other, "so what?" Life remains somewhat of a struggle...

I have now gone to several HSP Gatherings, and it felt good to be with "my people;" with my "tribe." But I have also noticed that we are always talking about "the same old issues" and "the same old problems." In a way, it's empowering, but in a different way it is not all that empowering... some part of me can't help but ponder the way we keep insisting that being highly sensitive is "not an illness," but we sit at these Gatherings and talk about our "problems" like they are some kind of "weaknesses" we have to deal with.

What's really the truth, here?

Pay me no mind. I am just feeling a bit disgruntled because we are moving into yet another Texas summer and I get depressed at the thought of dealing with the relentless heat of this place. I am largely a "physical sensor," and I am definitely sensitive to heat... it's funny, I was even sensitive to heat and humidity as a kid. My parents were all about taking vacations to tropical venues, and I would just sit and pant and sweat under a tree, hoping I could find some measure of peace...

But I am digressing. And still pondering whether I am any wiser.