Moment for reflection: No, I Didn’t Stop “Being an HSP!”

As I sit here reflecting on a rainy afternoon, I found myself pondering a question somebody asked me not too long ago: they quite sincerely commented on my Facebook page as to ”why I had stopped being an HSP.”

I felt a little taken aback by the question because you can't stop being an HSP, since we're dealing with an ingrown trait here... and the person wondering was an HSP, herself.

But I chose not to fall into "affronted and reactionary" mode and instead pondered the deeper meaning of the inquiry. 

The point , of course, was that I didn't seem to be writing about HSPs anymore, and I wasn't active on HSP forums the way I had been in the past, and I had to confess that I had reached a point where the whole highly sensitive person community just didn't seem like it was very interesting to me anymore. I could even look at the posting archive of this HSP Notes blog and see a distinct dropoff in the frequency of my new contributions.

The person who had commented was not actually being critical, they were lamenting my absence. 

It will soon be 25 years since I first came across the term “Highly Sensitive Person.” That could very well be one-third of my life!

I think it would be safe to say that we all go through an evolution of sorts from the first moment we learn that there is actually a name for this “thing” that we are to the present moment we find ourselves in. 

Some years back I reached the point where I realized that the statement “I am an HSP” no longer was appropriate as the centerpiece of my self-definition. Yes, I am still in HSP, but I don't really have anything to prove and I don't really have a world I need to change anymore. That is, I'm not on some kind of active crusade to make everybody aware of the trait of high sensitivity. 

There was a time when I was, and I even thought I would end up teaching and giving workshops about the HSP trait. But I realized that it was/is not really who I am! 

In other words, I have moved on to the next phase of my life, one in which I am simply a PERSON living their life and “being an HSP” is simply one of many attributes that describe me. 

I suppose this is a change on some level, because there was a time when “teaching” was more important to me. I can't say exactly when it happened, but at some point I decided that I'm really not a teacher and that there are others out there who do a much better job of it than I do. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy passing along information to somebody who's struggling to find their path through life, it just means I don't go actively seeking it anymore. 

As such, the “HSP Notes” blog and website is perhaps becoming less about parts of the trait itself, and more about how a human being — who happens to be an HSP — is living their life.  

Somebody else had asked me if I had “grown bored” with being part of the HSP community. The answer to that is also “no.” More than anything, it is as I determined before: that I don't really have a great interest in being a teacher, nor in being a "banner bearer" for the HSP movement.

And with that, we can perhaps find another puzzle piece in the evolution of an HSP: I have reached a place in my life where I openly embrace what I want to do, rather than feel pressured to do what others think I “should” do. 

And I believe that's an important point to make here. I think it is true of many highly sensitive people that they tend to succumb to feelings of “obligation” rather more often than is healthy, and when that really isn't their highest and best path. 

Anyway, I felt compelled to put out a few words while I'm sitting here in the middle of doing some minor redesign work on the HSP Notes website.

Part of what I will be doing, is adding more links to the other places where I write. That, in itself, is another of my puzzle pieces: I still love to write but my writing has changed from writing about being an HSP to writing whatever it is I want to write, albeit through the eyes of an HSP. Maybe those two sound very similar but they're actually a bit different. 

How different? Well, that remains to be explored!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

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I have created a special $2 support level, being mindful that most HSPs are on a budget. Your contributions allow me the TIME to continue writing, rather than being forced to abandon the blog and use my writing time to pursue an additional outside job. Your consideration is greatly appreciated, and — as the idealist that I am — I believe the best way we can create a better world for all of us is to support each other's creative endeavors!

Learning About the HSP Trait: What's the Ultimate Objective?

I went to the doctor yesterday.

Although we don't really talk much about it, my doctor knows that I am an HSP, and she respects what that entails. In the course of our conversations, we have gently agreed that "Being an HSP" is akin to what was once upon a time thought of as "being highly strung."

We don't talk much about it, though. It has become "old news."

Instead, we talk about my health. I suffer from hypertension (aka "high blood pressure"), and from years of observation, we know that my primary trigger for "hypertensive events" revolve around stress and anxiety.

Actually, I should phrase that very carefully.

You see, I don't suffer from any kind of "anxiety disorder," I simply suffer from overstimulation, HSP style. I am perfectly capable of going into the world and dealing with "whatever hardships come up," and there are few things I can't handle. My body, however, disagrees.

One of the interesting things we've learned about me is that — absent stress and the need to interface with the world — my blood pressure is actually within the "normal" range.

Yesterday, we had this conversation again, as my vitals were once again elevated. My body simply doesn't like the process of "adulting."

Alas, few of us have the luxury of simply sitting in a lawn chair, watching clouds drift by... while "the stuff of life" takes care of itself.

The Progression of HSP Self-Awareness

After the doctor's visit, I got to thinking about this whole thing called "being an HSP."

It has been 21 years and change since I first bumped into the idea. It seems to me that we go through "stages" of being a Highly Sensitive Person.

At first, it tends to be all shiny, exciting and new; we absorb everything we can read and hear; suddenly it seems like we have a natural and well-fitting explanation for why we are the way we are. Which is a marvelous thing!

Then we go through a period of learning and integrating. This often involves joining groups, going to workshops and doing something akin to "becoming an expert" on the topic, as it relates to ourselves.

Oftentimes, we slip into a state of cognitive bias — just about everything that happens is "because I am an HSP." Of course, that's probably rather inconsistent with reality, but we're looking for ways to "make the shoe fit."

After a while, we move onto "integration." We start to become more honest about the ways the trait affects our lives... and the ways it doesn't. At least... that's what happens for those who are honest with themselves; some, it seems, stay in that place where "EVERYthing happens this way because I am an HSP."

But THEN What?

Perhaps the ultimate objective of learning all we can about being an HSP is that we get to return to "just being a person."

As I look back on my doctors' visit, I came to realize that it has been several years since I have thought of myself through the lens of perception that "I am an HSP." The trait doesn't define me, it simply adds a layer of understanding to the overall picture of what it means to be me.

I understand certain things about myself, and understand which of those things happen to be a consequence of my high sensitivity, and I try to arrange my life accordingly.

In formalizing this realization last night, I also came to understand why we see "familiar faces" in online HSP groups, as well as keepers of HSP blogs and web sites suddenly "fall off the radar." They've simply gotten all they needed from their activities, and then moved on.

Think of it a but like attending University: You learn a lot, and then you get a degree and graduate. Maybe you stay on and keep learning, getting a graduate degree. But eventually you're done. And that's actually the natural order of things —if you're NOT seeing that, you run the risk of becoming "that eternal student," working on their 6th degree because they never found the courage to actually go out and be part of life, using the learning they'd experienced.

And so — aside from the fact that I occasionally teach and give workshops — I am done with "being an HSP." I have returned to simply being ME.

How about YOU? Where are YOU, on your HSP Journey of Learning? How long ago was it that you learned that there is such a thing as a "Highly Sensitive Person?" How did it change your life? Do you feel you know what you need to know, or are you still "studying?" To what degree to you find that you "identify" with being an HSP? Leave me a comment-- be part of an ongoing dialogue!

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HSP Living: In defense of Comfort Zones

I've probably spent entirely too much of my life being involved in the "conscious community," the self-development industry and so-called "self-improvement."

That said, it seems to be a major part of most HSPs' lives. As a highly sensitive person, I am just drawn to these fields-- I'm just fascinated by the workings of the human species-- and if you're an HSP, you probably are, too.

Depending on one's perspective, I am alternately "blessed"-- or "cursed"-- with a brain that's equally content to meander around in the "right-brained" universe of creativity, intuitive leaps of faith and the abstract as it is taking a cruise in the "left-brained" world of numbers, logic and "the facts of life."

Bottom line: I really like studying vast amounts of data and extrapolating unexpected trends and patterns.

But I am digressing.
Let's just leave it at "I look at a LOT of this stuff."

Most people who have spent any time at all looking to "improve" themselves, or "find balance," or "find inner peace," or just trying to understand themselves will have run into the popular maxim that in order to develop yourself and "go anywhere" you simply must work outside your comfort zones.

In a sense, I feel that "comfort zones" have been given a really bad rap by mainstream psychology and self-improvement experts as the domain of the apathetic and unconscious; those who don't "care enough" to truly make themselves stronger and better.

But the more I think about it... the less I like this idea that our comfort zones are automatically judged, labeled and then executed as "the bad guy" in the greater equation of our evolving lives. And for the HSP, I believe comfort zones are actually an essential part of our well-being. And, let's face it, Elaine Aron (author of "The Highly Sensitive Person") even calls her own newsletter for HSPs "The Comfort Zone."

Odds are she wouldn't do that, if she thought we should avoid comfort zones.

For many HSPs, this perhaps isn't exactly new news. But given our broad-based interest in self-improvement, we're none-the-less surrounded by the constant meta-message that in order to "better ourselves" we must live outside our comfort zones. It feels both conflicting and counter-productive to me.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that falling into a complacent and apathetic stupor is not a good thing-- for HSPs, or for anyone else, for that matter. But I also believe there is such thing as finding happiness and contentment within our comfort zones... in a healthy and balanced sort of way. I have spent many years "working on myself" and as part of that, creating a comfort zone that fits me... and I am very happy here, thank you very much!

And maybe that's the key: "Happy." My comfort zone was an "active creation," not a place where I passively ended up in order to hide, or out of fear of life and the world.

Ultimately, it's all about finding your niche of happiness and contentment; about finding balance. If you like where you are, in your comfort zone, why is it you'd need to go somewhere else, to look for something else?

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Talk Back! Do you have a distinct comfort zone? Do you feel like you "spend too much time" in your comfort zone? Who tells you that? Do people tell you you need to move "outside your comfort zone? Are you in a comfort zone because you feel "at home" there, OR because you are fearful of being outside it? Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSPs and Acceptance: How Being very Tall, Collecting Stamps and Playing Golf Helped me Embrace Being an HSP

It's no secret that many HSPs struggle and wrestle with the idea that they are a Highly Sensitive Person. After all, there are all manners of cultural prejudices and misconceptions surrounding the word "sensitive," and it seems like few of them are positive.

From time to time, I have been asked how I can "be so open" about being an HSP, and "how" I managed to so readily accept the trait. After all, "aren't I afraid of being seen as weak (or "weird")," and aren't I afraid I "will be discriminated against?" And other biggie: "men aren't supposed to be sensitive, right?"

A few days ago-- during my daily morning writing-- it suddenly struck me that part of the answer to the "acceptance" question was/is that I "already had experience," in unrelated ways. Truth be known, I think most of us do, but we ignore it or are blind to it.

"What does that mean?" you might be asking. Let's explore...

Me, at 15, carrying... a bag of golf clubs

What does it really mean, to be an HSP? What are some of the deeper implications? When you "embrace" that you are highly sensitive, what what are you really accepting about yourself?

For most, it means some version of "I don't really fit in" and/or "I'm a little different from the rest of the world." As human beings, we are-- basically-- tribal creatures. Even if we are very introverted and don't necessarily want to interact with the "tribe," we are still comforted by the idea that at least we belong to one. And when we accept being an HSP, we are-- in a way-- "agreeing" to making our tribe 85% smaller. And it's totally understandable that not everyone is ready to jump at the chance to do that.

So how exactly was I "prepared" to embrace being an HSP?

Well, let's start with being really tall. I was 6'2" (188cm) already when I was 15. I stood head and shoulders above 99% of my peers. The rather fuzzy photo at right shows me in all my lanky 15-year old geekiness. So what's the point, here?

Being much taller than everyone else gets you used to a couple of things. One, people look at you-- even if not "oddly," they look at you. And so, I got used to the idea that people would "look," and that it was because I was not like most other people.

Second, my actual physical experience of life was-- and remains-- a little different from everyone else's. There are a number of things I simply "can't do," because of my height (I grew up to stand a bit over 6'4"/194cm). For example, finding clothes is more difficult than it is for "normal" people. A normal t-shirt almost becomes a "crop top" for me, after a couple of cycles through the wash. And when it is time for me to buy a car, I can't just choose a highly rated car I like... I have to choose from among the limited half-dozen models that actually have enough legroom and headroom for me.

Embracing that you're an HSP is rather parallel to being tall. You can't "help" it, it's simply the way you are. And just like I am not running around looking for a way to "fix" being tall, I'm not running around trying to "fix" being an HSP. It is not fixable! Nor am I running around moaning and groaning about being "too tall," any more than I am inclined to run around moaning and groaning about being "too sensitive."

The only significant difference I can discern between the two is that tallness is visible, sensitivity is not. But I was still made fun of for being "the giraffe," just like I was made fun of for being "a pansy." Kids can be cruel...

My parents-- inadvertently-- "helped" me come to terms with being highly sensitive. How? They pushed me towards a couple of hobbies/pastimes that served to rather "set me apart" from my peers. As a boy and young man, I was guided and encouraged to get into-- and occupy myself with-- stamp collecting and playing golf. Not exactly what you find most 15-year olds interested in-- even in 1975.

Ironically, both stamp collecting and golf are perfect "HSP pastimes," although nobody was aware of that, at the time. My parents were mostly interested in getting me to do something that would keep me quiet and took hours at a time.

Collecting stamps is a quiet, solitary pursuit that almost becomes a Zen-like meditation when you spend some time with it... and it offers a fascinating glimpse into world cultures and history-- not to mention that each stamp is actually a miniature work of art. And golf-- as sports go-- is a solitary (as opposed to "team") endeavor, played in silence, that involves being in (even if a golf course is a bit contrived) nature... a place where most HSPs feel at peace.

That said, not only does being a 16-year old golfing stamp collector pretty much put the final nail in the coffin of hoping to attain even the tiniest bit of coolness, it pretty much dooms you when it comes to getting a date. In addition, these two pastimes often cause people to pause and look at you "strangely," in ways they wouldn't look at someone who "plays football and goes hunting." Only now that I am in my 50s are the strange looks gradually giving way to "Oh, that's pretty cool!"

Anyway, by the time 1997 rolled around and I learned and realized that I was-- indeed-- an HSP, I already had 20+ years of experience in dealing with being thought "weird and different."

Now, lest you should get any ideas, I am not writing this to share some personal "boo-hoo-hoo, woe is me" story, nor to try to persuade anyone that I am somehow "special." I am actually writing this to illustrate-- especially for those who are having a difficult time embracing being an HSP and feel "unprepared" to do so-- that some of the most ordinary things in life actually do prepare us to accept our sensitivity.

So, if you're struggling a bit, I encourage you to examine ways in which life have challenged you... and see whether there are lessons there that might help you become more at ease with being an HSP.

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Talk Back! Leave a comment: Was it difficult for you to accept being an HSP? Is it still a struggle? In what ways? If you think a bit, what are some other (unrelated) differences you have had to deal with, in life? Can you see parallels with High Sensitivity?

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HSPs, Boundaries, Feeling Good, and Finding Balance

Sometimes it pays to pause to consider why you do what you're doing.

What motivates your choices?

There are lots of things we choose to do, in life. Often we are motivated to do things because they make us feel good. Of course, sometimes we're also motivated to do things because they are "good for us." Although it doesn't always hold true, we can at least hope that these two overlap, most of the time.

In a simplified and ideal world, the above would be the primary motivations behind what we choose to do. Alas, that's not the reality of life, especially for a Highly Sensitive Person. We make choices that hurt us, often based on fear and choices that are definitely not good for us. If "bad" choices seem to be a persistent pattern in our lives, we often become very adept at abandoning our accountability for them, instead creating an intricate web of rationalizations for why our choices were actually something that "happened TO us."

Many HSPs are very "compliant" by nature. Confrontation either frightens us, or we are "OK" with confrontation but still avoid it because it feels terribly overstimulating and we end up feeling "out of sorts" for days and hours after the actual confrontational event happened.

However, unless we are willing to stand up for ourselves-- and how we feel about a situation-- our personal boundaries tend to get overstepped or even completely ignored. It's no secret that setting healthy personal boundaries can be very challenging for HSPs. That said, we really cannot assume (and, unfortunately, many HSPs do) that the rest of the world will somehow "intuit" our needs, the way we might be able to, about them. Life just doesn't work that way!

I have met many HSPs for whom simply stating their opinion and "taking a stance" on something they believe in  (especially if it seems counter to "popular" or "majority" viewpoints) feels like "fighting" or "being difficult" in a way they find very unpleasant.

Even... if they clearly have the best idea in a group, meeting, family gathering, or whatever.

It can become a bit of a paradox, because asserting ourselves "doesn't feel good," but being ignored also "doesn't feel good."

Sadly, many HSPs choose to circumvent the issue altogether by isolating themselves, instead. They conclude that the world "is too painful" and choose to avoid contact, altogether. On some level, that choice might (at least in the short term) "feel good," but on a greater scale, it's hardly "good for us." I can't even begin to estimate how many hundreds of HSPs I've encountered (usually in online forums) over the past 15 years who have gone down this path only to become deeply depressed because they feel "all alone in the world."

Suppressing our true nature because we are fearful of the consequences of "being our TRUE selves" can be very damaging to us; to our self-esteem.

HSPs have a lot to offer the world, but the world will not benefit if we don't bring those gifts to the world.

I'm not advocating that we should become "militantly outspoken assholes" in order to make our point-- we merely must find a healthy balance by finding the courage to share our perspectives and be heard, even if our ideas aren't necessarily adopted.

As I write these words, I'm reminded of this (quite famous) Dr. Seuss quote:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."

We can learn from that, and guide ourselves to better choices. When we share-- especially in a group setting-- some people are going to think our ideas are marvelous! Those are the people we should aline ourselves with, because they get where we're coming from. We must attempt to focus our attention on the fact that "Bob LOVED my idea!" rather than feeling crestfallen because "Sue didn't like my idea."

That does take a bit of practice-- many of us have "trained" ourselves to dwell on what is "wrong," rather than celebrate what is "right."

Something else we must remember is that in most cases, we're not obliged to do things that make us feel bad. Saying "no" to spending the day at a noisy theme park with a group of colleagues from work (which will make us feel overstimulated and stressed) is a much healthier choice than compliantly saying "yes" and having a day we hate. Sure we will encounter exceptions where we are "obligated" to participate in something we don't like, but those are generally few and far between. Establishing a healthy boundary and saying no to things that genuinely feel bad is not the same thing as "isolating."

Finally, we must remind ourselves that "NO is a complete sentence."

When our neighbor asks "Are you coming to my noisy cousin's surprise birthday party at Noise World tomorrow?" it's OK to simply say "No, I'm sorry, I won't be attending" without concocting 500 excuses and reasons for why we won't be attending. If pressed by the person asking, we need say no more than "Sorry, it just won't work out for me."

You'll feel much better when you do.

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Talk Back! Pause to consider what motivates your choices. How good (or bad) are you at setting boundaries? Do you do things that "feel bad," or are "bad for you," because you fear not going with the flow? Do you sometimes choose to not do things that feel good, for fear of being judged, for your choices? Consider how you set boundaries. Do you isolate yourself, as a way of setting "boundaries," or do you feel free to state your opinion? Does saying "no" to someone feel like a confrontation? Leave a comment and share your experiences!

HSPs, Staying Present and Letting Go of the Past

How good are you at "Staying Present?"

I realize that "Staying Present" and "Being in THIS Moment" are currently popular buzzwords in the metaphysics, New Age and personal development fields, and I'll be the first to admit that I spent a fair amount of time considering what exactly "they" (You know, the "experts") mean, by that.

Then I considered some of the core aspects of being a Highly Sensitive Person.

We "Process Deeply."
We "Have Rich Inner Lives."
We "Pause and Reflect."
We "Spend Time Alone."
We "Experience Pain Deeply."

"Staying Present" may actually be particularly important for the Highly Sensitive Person. Why? Whereas we probably try to frame the above attributes in a positive light, truth is that they can also be a tempting "invitation" to become moody and broody. Because of the deep way we experience life and its events, there's a very fine line between merely honoring our natural sensitivities and depth... and sliding into either a dark and depressing hole, or a place of anxiety, or BOTH.

If you dwell excessively on things that happened in the past-- perhaps internally "playing a loop" of something negative that once took place, over and over... it becomes very easy to withdraw into yourself even grow depressed. Likewise, if you obsess too much over things that might happen in the future, perhaps endlessly "playing out" possible scenarios and outcomes-- from good to bad-- you can easily work yourself into a great state of anxiety. Either way, you increase the likelihood that you’ll miss everything going on around you, right NOW!

One of my favorite quotes (which was even my email signature line for several years)-- by Helen Keller-- goes like this: “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”

For years, I used it as a daily reminder to not get stuck in a place of endelessly (and needlessly) examining the "what ifs" of my life-- both past and future.

Frequently, we get fixated on the way things can be, should be, or will be someday... or could have been, should have been or might have been, somewhere in the past. But life always happens in the present. No amount of dwelling and brooding will change the past. And the future? It is always in motion, and depends almost wholly on what you choose to do right now... in the PRESENT.

I'm by no means advocating that we ignore the events of the past, nor ignore planning for the future. It's healthy-- and even wise-- to look at the past and understand, in a general sort of way, why certain things unfolded the way they did. That's simple wisdom. But once the basic understanding is there, LET IT GO! You cannot change the past, by living in it. Similarly, it's good to have a plan, and a sense of where we want to go, or be, somewhere down the road. But once that plan is in place, LET GO of the worry about the outcome. No matter how well you plan, "something" unexpected will inevitably happen; living in the future will not control its outcome. So why worry?

The opportunity to enjoy our lives exists right now.

So on this Labor Day Weekend, make time to enjoy your life, in this present moment. Take your dog for a walk. Play with your kids, or grandkids. Paint. Write a story. Sing in the shower. Go for a drive in the country. Go to a movie. Prepare a wonderful meal. Organize your sock drawer (yes, I really DID just say that!). Hug someone you love.

 Life is beautiful... but you have to be here and present to enjoy it! Happy Labor Day!

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Talk Back: Are you good at "Staying Present?" Or do you have a natural tendency to dwell on the past? Or worry about the future? Have you found effective ways to not slip into a place of brooding and worrying? Please leave a comment!

HSPs and the Empathy, Caring and Avoidance Trap

Quite often, I base my posts here on things I’ve heard discussed elsewhere by HSPs, be it in forums, in face-to-face conversations, or from reading articles on web sites.

Recently, I came across a discussion about HSPs, empathy, wanting to help and codependence. The point was made that—as HSPs—we have a deep sense of empathy, which makes it very easy (“natural” even) to “get into another person’s experience,” but that doing so often really is less about wanting to help, than about escaping from certain unaddressed issues of our own. And that the tendency to rush to help and enmesh ourselves (and “rescue”) in other people’s lives can really be quite unhealthy in the way it leads us to “forget” or “overlook” taking care of ourselves.

Based on meeting and spending time with many other HSPs... I feel that the above is true for many of us. I'm highly aware of it in others, as well as in myself. I believe that as healers, caregivers, nurturers, empaths and whatever else goes with the trait, we're naturally inclined to be very "other referencing." In extreme or "unhealthy" forms, we run the risk of becoming "self forgetting," as well.

I also believe there are many and varied reasons why we "go there," ranging from actual (conscious or UNconscious) fear of examining our own unaddressed issues, to enmeshment and codependence issues, to a sort of arrogance (Yes, I really DID just say "arrogance," about HSPs!) in which we assume we simply "know better" than others what's good for them. When I looked at this issue in myself, I realized it was all tied into old abandonment issues… by enmeshing myself in other people’s problems, I could make myself “indispensable,” and who’s going to abandon someone indispensable to them? Problem solved!

Well.
Not so much.

I should add, however, that I believe there are healthy and toxic expressions of this tendency... although many are probably "unhealthy" to various degrees... However, if you are simply a very giving and selfless person, who’s also very aware of your own “bag of goods,” a deep caring about healing and the well-being of others is definitely not a bad thing.

So how do we assess what’s really going on with us? I believe that acceptance of-- and then maintaining an ongoing mindfulness about the fact that we do this-- offers us an invitation to pause and then exercise self care. The key word there is SELF. For me, that was a strange "pill" to swallow... I came to see how I was (often passive-aggressively) offended by anyone who took care of themselves FIRST, and by extension felt "offended" by the notion that I should take care of me. Of course, that was really just a “smoke screen" laid over a deeper issue. That issue being my pathological fear that people would not like me and abandon me if my focus was no longer on “being useful” to them. Ultimately, I had to face my root fear that I was not loveable simply as a person, but only to the extent I could “do things” for others. In one of those ironic twists of life, it was actually that very “excessive helpfulness” that made me come across as rather arrogant and needy, at the same time.

I heard something noteworthy, a while ago: "Taking care of YOURSELF is respecting, caring about and loving other people."

On the surface, it took me aback, a bit. At first, I struggled to agree. After all, I’d “processed” a lot of old garbage to reach a place that felt to me like I was finally “just being.”

But really? It's TRUE. When I take care of myself, and my needs, I am making a statement to others to the effect that "I care enough about YOU to offer you my BEST and "examined" self, not just a 'broken and damaged' version of myself with just as many issues as anyone else." In case that's not coming across as being very nice or clear... think of it this way: On a psychological/spiritual level, it's exactly the same as taking a shower, combing your hair, and wearing clean clothes when you leave your house to go spend time with friends. You care enough to do that... so take some time out to care enough to "tidy up" your heart, mind and soul, too.

Being highly sensitive to others and their needs… and here I’ll characterize this as being mindfully sensitive, not just being “blindly trapped” in your sensitivity… is often the result of being sensitive to ourselves. Maybe that sounds bass-ackwards. But I have found it not to be.

So now, for the reality check, and some soul searching!

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Talk Back: Do you recognize this kind of “helping others to avoid helping yourself” pattern in yourself? In the past OR in the present? If you are a chronic “helper” or “people pleaser,” can you see ways in which you are actually trying to avoid yourself? If you are always rushing to the aid of others, perhaps with the rationalization that you “can’t help it, because you’re an empath?” WHY do you REALLY think you do this? When you look closer, is your involvement requested, or do you simply “take it upon yourself?” If this post, and these questions are making you feel uncomfortable, what do you think you’re not really admitting?

Staying True to What Matters (part II)

I'd like to continue to explore the importance of "staying true to what matters to you," especially as it applies to HSPs.

Before I get started, though, I want to address a couple of private comments that arrived in my in-box as a result of my last post-- mostly relating to my being chided for taking the "Pink Fluffy Bunny Self-Growth Movement" to task.

If you re-read what I wrote, you'll see that I did NOT dismiss the "sweet and eternally sunny" approach to healing-- I merely suggested that it might be best suited to the neophyte, both with respect to learning about being an HSP, and subsequently entering a period of meaningful self-growth. The problem is that as the "student" advances, he or she runs an increased risk of getting "stuck" as more difficult questions-- NOT suited to being "lightfooted" over-- arise.

The second thing I'd like to say concerns the misconception that HSPs are-- by definition-- "all sweetness and light." Whereas it may make HSPs feel nice, warm and fuzzy to hold this belief about being sensitive, such an idea has little basis in truth and actually does us a great disservice... in a way it creates a false pressure to conform to something that is not real, like (for example) societal messages about "ideal body type." "Sensitive" does NOT equal "nice." Sensitive equals... well, sensitive. And I'm not even sure what the word "nice" means.

But I digress.

I believe that Staying True to What Matters is an enormously important concept. I say this not merely from personal experience, but from what I observe in those around me. On the whole, the most content people I come across are those who are pursuing their True Callings-- be it in work, in Love, spiritually, intellectually or whatever. As I said last time, HSPs are all about finding authenticity. What is also often true is that those in their Calling are willing to make certain sacrifices to BE in such a place.

Turning our backs on our authentic selves can have disastrous results. On the whole, the most depressed people I know are NOT the ones who are "drifting aimlessly," but the ones who have a good idea of "what they want most," and then erect a carefully crafted "Mountain of Reasons" why they "can't" follow their bliss.

"Yeah, that's easy for YOU to say. It's just not that simple. You have no idea how hard my life is."

"I have no idea who I am, nor any idea how I'd go about finding out."

"I can't just do that, because I have family, obligations, job, children, image, anxieties, fill in the blank."

All of the above are absolutely true! At the same time, they are also "not true," in the sense that they are ultimately excuses and rationalizations. And they tend to be firmly anchored in a world of absolutes ("Either/Or thinking") with no room for nuance, and sometimes even in a toxic pattern of compulsively "being the martyr" who wants something but "just can't HAVE it."

When you scrape beneath the surface, what often reveals itself is that we realize that we do have choices and free will, and that choices have consequences... and we're simply not willing (or ready, or we're fearful of) to face unpleasant consequences and negative feedback when we make certain choices. We're so deeply anchored in "what the world thinks about us" that we completely forget to consider what WE "think about us."

Allow me to share a favorite quote, by American writer Rita Mae Brown:

"The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself"

When you fail to respond to something your inner wisdom knows to be true, you are-- in essence-- conforming to some kind of outside influence. You are giving up your right to speak for yourself, instead allowing "the world" to speak for you.

If what you want to do is climb mountains, don't say "I can't do that!" and throw up a bunch of rationalizations. At the same time, nobody expects you to selfishly abandon your family and job and run off to climb a mountain. Instead, find a way to gradually incorporate mountain climbing into your existence. But don't lose sight of you want!

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Talk Back: Do you know that there is something you truly want in life? Are you making sure it "matters" in your life? Are you making excuses and rationalizations to NOT reach for what matters most to you? What are your reasons?

Staying True to What Matters (Part I)

I was never a big follower of the "Pink Fluffy Bunny New Age Spiritual and Personal Enlightenment Movement."

Let me explain. I have been a thorough part of it, and I have learned much about the world from it. And I'd go so far as to suggest that it has definite value in the world, especially for those who are feeling fragile after being brought face-to-face with questions about the meaning of their life after some kind of massive personal crisis and meltdown. Seriously? Such are times when we can use some hand holding, affirmation, hugs and validation... and maybe sitting around saying "I'm worthy!" over and over while smelling rose essences helps lead us through the darkness.

I believe it's also an excellent "entry point" for those who are just starting to examine self-exploration and personal growth. Let's face it, when we're poking at "new territory," we probably don't want to hear someone say "Stop whining, it doesn't matter, you don't matter, get over yourself!" At least it would discourage many-- especially HSPs with easily hurt feelings-- from seeking deeper and more meaningful answers.

In the long run, though, it's my opinion that a "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" approach sells us a bag of goods, on the greater scale of self-development. Why? Because of a myopic tendency to take serious life problems and window dress them with pink chiffon, delicate flowers, dancing unicorns and positive affirmations... after which people "leave the scene" with the impression they are "healed," even while the original wounds fester below, unaddressed.

Over the years, a large segment of the HSP "community" has developed an unfortunate tendency to get mired down in toothless "happy making" (there are exceptions) as the path to personal growth-- but I don't feel like it serves us well. Or maybe it serves us marginally and temporarily, but without helping us make real and permanent positive changes in our lives.

In a sense, we're choosing to substitute "validation" for "healing."

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the underlying premise: HSPs most often arrive into adult life feeling marginalized, unheard, unseen, judged and put upon (goodness knows, I did!) by a world that not only doesn't seem to "get" them, but doesn't seem to want to get them. As a result, the knee-jerk therapeutic ("helping") response swings the pendulum in the extreme opposite direction with a "Let's validate everything you say, support all your psychoses as 'normal' and heal you through never disagreeing with you" approach.

Not so good.

Instead of healing the wounds resulting from marginalization and low self-esteem, they are glossed over while we create a new set of wounds centered around a false sense of "OK-ness" that results in hurt feelings every time something doesn't turn out the way we "think it should."

Newsflash: Life doesn't turn out that way for ANYone. Rarely, anyway.

Maybe I'm pissing you off, with these words. That's OK... really, it is. I write this because I am a "concerned citizen" of the HSP community. As the year turned and it became 2010, I realized that it is my 13th year of playing this gig; my 13th year since I learned there was a neuroscientific label for the stranger aspects of "being me."

Why am I concerned?

Because it saddens me to see fellow HSPs "get stuck" in their lives. Get stuck, because they allow themselves to use a blanket "because I'm an HSP" excuse to avoid facing a myriad situations that could actually lead to a richer more fulfilling life. And... especially... situations that involve looking at some dirty, nasty and unpleasant insight and personal growth issues.

Franky? We deserve better!

HSPs are all about authenticity, and about finding deeper meaning in life. As such, we owe it to the world, and to ourselves, to stay True to what really matters to us... and as long as gloss over our deeper natures with platitudes, niceties and excessively affirmational therapies we will tend to stray from that course.

And if you think about it... usually we learn the most from those who tell us things we really would rather not hear.

More to come, on the topic of HSPs and "Staying True to What Matters."

Growing: It Starts with Ourselves

I recently returned from a week in Europe, dealing with my late mother's estate, and settling her affairs. Although it was a busy and often emotionally challenging week, being there allowed me some time to reflect on life, and our choices... how we choose to live, and what the consequences of those choices are.

I don't remember exactly when-- maybe it was 2003?-- I was at an HSP Gathering, listening to Elaine Aron give a presentation.

One of the little snippets I took away, and which has stuck with me ever since, is the idea that we must "heal OURSELVES, before we can heal others."

Of course, that's a two way street.

Ultimately, just like we can't "make it OK" for anyone else, nobody else can "make it OK," for US.

As HSPs, we're very aware of other people's feelings, and we're also very aware of subtleties in people's energies. Many HSPs are "givers" and "healers" by nature (even if they are not aware of it) and I think we often busy ourselves trying to "make it OK" for others... in some hope (which is actually a bit passive-aggressive, if you think about it) that the other person(s) will magically turn around and "heal" us, as a reciprocal "thank you" for our "efforts."

Usually, such expectations will lead to disappointment.

If the above sounds a bit "accusatory" to you... pause, for a moment, and ponder whether you feel that way because I'm touching on an uncomfortable truth, in your life.

Long before I was aware there was such a thing as "being an HSP," one of my Teachers pointed out that it is not anyone else's job to "heal us," or "fix us."

AT BEST, the only thing "another" can do, is provide a "sacred space" in which we can sit and "tell stories." However, "The Other" (be it a therapist, God, the Beloved, a friend, spouse) can really only hold the hole of "listener;" they can never be the "fixer."

Expectations will "bite you" every single time. Expectations that the "fix" (and hence healing) is going to come from someplace "outside" ourselves... will come back to haunt us, every time. It has bitten me, every time I've noticed myself slide into that pattern. I watch it bite friends, and acquaintances. AND... below that... I watch people insist that "someone" made it OK for them... and a few months down the road, they come back and admit that it was just a "magic bandaid" whose effect wore off a few months/years down the road... because the underlying pain was never actually dealt with... just temporarily glossed over.

Maybe this sounds a bit "fatalistic," but actually I don't believe it IS. It's just about being ACCOUNTABLE, and about becoming "active agents" in our own lives, rather than trying to farm out accountability to external events.

I don't remember who said this, but it's a quote I often keep in mind: "Life isn't about what HAPPENS to you, it's about how you RESPOND to what happens."

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Talk Back: Do you find yourself sliding into a pattern of "blaming externals" for where you are in life? Do you recognize that you rely on the idea that "IF ONLY someone/something did this and that" your life would be better? Or are you more self-directed? Leave a comment!

HSPs and the danger of Mind Reading

One of my teachers once said: "Our thoughts about a thing are usually far worse than the thing, itself."

HSPs tend to be deeply empathic people, and one of the aspects of the trait is that we are often able to sense the moods of others. For some, this empathy borders on what observers might call "psychic" abilities.

However, HSPs often get in trouble because we not only sense someone's general mood, we start "interpreting" what the mood "means," often using our intuition to try to build a "scenario" of what's going on. I call this "mind reading," and it can be a slippery slope to miscommunication and anxiety.

Let's say we're in a room with someone-- let's call him "Bob"-- participating in some kind of work project. And we pick up (quite accurately) that Bob is irritated or angry. So far, no problem. However, with our tendency to be aware of environmental subtleties and then to introspect and process deeply, we start fixating on that anger. Soon a little "chorus" starts up, inside our heads: "Bob is angry. I wonder why Bob is angry. What if Bob is angry because of something I did? Bob doesn't like the way I work! I'm working too slowly for his liking. I have to speed up. But then I'll get flustered, and Bob will get annoyed with me for making mistakes. Bob is angry because he HATES the way I work, and he HATES me!" At which point, we start responding to Bob's anger by becoming defensive... and we start to feel bad about ourselves.

Every found yourself "building" such a scenario, and working yourself into a state of overstimulated anxiety?

In actual fact, Bob is angry because he was in the manager's office 10 minutes before starting work with us, and was told he would have to cancel the long getaway weekend he'd planned to take with his wife because an unexpected project came up. Bob's anger-- which we sensed correctly-- actually had nothing to do with us.

As HSPs, we must be careful to not "mind read" and assign "meaning" to situations without having the relevant information on hand. A better approach to Bob's situation might have been to simply say that he seemed upset, and ask if he wanted to take a break, or if there was anything we could do to help. Often the answer will turn out to be much much simpler-- and far less dramatic-- than the scenarios we create inside our minds!

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Talk Back: Have you ever worked youself into a state of anxiety as a result "mind reading?" Did the situation turn out to be far less severe than you'd originally thought? Leave a comment!

Absence

(This post was originally written on 3/23/08, but only saved as a draft-- I had second thoughts about publishing this, but decided to, anyway... as some HSPs might recognize their own process, here.)

I am in one of my "in" periods.

Elaine Aron wrote about HSPs being "in" and "out," depending on how much they need to be recharging their batteries. I have been "in" a lot, recently-- because life and some personal issues have forced me to be very "out" and dealing with them. I won't go into details about that. However, I have felt "stretched thin" for quite some time, now.

During times like these, I find myself annoyed that I am highly sensitive-- at least to the degree that I recognize that if I were not so easily overstimulated, I would not be having nearly as much of a "personal crisis" at this time. I would just be like other people-- throw up my hands, go "shit happens," and get on with my life.

I observe myself growing annoyed that I am so easily "derailed" when the unfortunate things of life come up. And that annoyance actually adds to my sense of overwhelm.

And then I also get annoyed at small things. I put a lot of effort into revitalizing this blog-- for example-- and now "other circumstances" have come up... and I feel like a bunch of my previous efforts have just been a waste of time.

And often, I feel annoyed that what I want to do seems incapable of supporting me financially, so I end up making a living from things that just feel like I have to do them. Because I have no other choices. Realistically speaking.

I observe myself, and notice something interesting: Even though a central part of the HSP trait involves taking quiet time, and recharging the batteries, I find that "in" periods annoy me, make me feel angry... usually because "something came up" and forced me to be extensively "out," and not because I wanted to be.

This sounds like too much of a whiny post to publish...

Lifelessons: A Whack Upside the Head

"Teachers" and "learning" take many different shapes. We're quite used to school settings and universities; some of us also see learning on a more personal level-- we attend workshops, read self-help books, and "study ourselves" in an effort to find meaning in our lives.

As adults-- especially when we embark on a journey that's fairly spiritual in nature-- we like to think of learning as "pleasant" and "insightful." Similarly, we like to think of our teachers as "kind" and "supportive." And yet...

... often the most meaningful lessons come in the form of our coming face-to-face with something we'd really rather not know about ourselves, or something we've been "pretending doesn't exist."

HSPs, for example, are often very attached to the idea of being "nice people." I believe many of us are, and there's nothing wrong with being nice, as long as it comes from an authentic and compassionate place. However, "cultivating" niceness, and subsequently burying authentic expression in its service tends to do more harm than good. In many years of observing myself, as well as other HSPs, there seems to be no place with more pitfalls than our often "dubious" relationship with anger.

Anger is a legitimate emotion, and often a very productive one, if understood and espressed in a healthy manner. Anger (usually) tells us that a boundary (whether we're actively aware of it, or not) has been broken... and serves as a "warning system" that something isn't how we want it to be. And yet-- for many of us-- the warning bells are ignored, because we want to remain "a nice person, and nice people don't get angry."

It took me a great many years to first recognize, and subsequently heal, my "relationship" with anger. I used to (with some pride, I might add!) declare that I didn't get angry. And to the casual observer, it probably looked like I was speaking the truth. But fellow empaths could always sense "the poison within," and would call me on it. Which-- ironically-- was one of the very few things that would make me feel anger... someone telling me I felt anger, when I was deeply attached to non-anger.

Dealing with my anger-avoidance took years of personal work. Central to "breaking through" was the understanding that my anger-avoidance stemmed from growing up with a rage-aholic father... and (mis)interpreting his random rages, thrown objects, screaming, cursing and resultant inability to make and keep friendships as a "global" definition of "what anger looks like." I categorically rejected his model... but had no model for "alternative" expression.

Coming face-to-face with many years of repressed anger was definitely NOT something I wanted to experience. It was an unwanted whack upside the head. And the therapist who "got through" to me, was a Teacher who told me something I didn't want to hear.

Another "Swampy" area for many HSPs on the learning path is selfishness and manipulation. Rarely do more hackles go up than when someone suggests an HSP is "selfish and manipulative." Again, this tends to play directly to our attachment to being "nice people," and "nice people" are NOT selfish and manipulative.

Unlike anger (which tends to be openly visible), this area is often fuzzy and ill-defined. But because we tend to be deeply empathic and "feel" the energy and emotions of others, it is often just a short step to "using" this information to get what we want. And it tends to be a sub- or unconscious process. We think we are being "selfless" and "helpful" to someone, and yet we end up raining on their parade through subtly insisting on the "how" and "when" of being helpful to others. Because-- by gum-- "we know better" than they do. Similarly, we often subtly manipulate groups through a process of publically attaching "non-importance" to our needs. A reluctant "I can go in spite of my sensitivities" is really an indirect invitation to others to put our needs before theirs. Not a popular view, of course. But when someone gently points out to us that we're "using" sensitivity to manipulate situations... a good "whack upside the head."

Which brings me full circle on the whole idea of Teachers, learning, and being an HSP. As HSPs we often have certain learning challenges that feel like they are compounded by lifetimes of feeling "unseen" and "unheard." Because of this "invisibility" we sometimes get trapped in patterns where we expect our teachers to "validate" us more than is really reasonable. When that happens, we're not really learning, we're asking someone to validate our dysfunctions, when we ask for support.

True support isn't having "emotional yes-men/women" around us... it is having someone who supports our efforts at growth, while remaining willing to share what they see.

Thoughts About "Enlightenment"

It is well documented that HSPs tend to be "deep thinkers." In her book "The Highly Sensitive Person," Dr. Elaine Aron describes HSPs as "prone to deep reflection on inner experience."

In a sense, this is the "puzzle piece" of HSP-ness that explains why so many HSPs are on paths of spiritual discovery, often involving much self-inquiry and introspection. The average person may not care much about such ideas as "Enlightenment," but it often holds a great deal of interests for HSPs, and often becomes a topic of conversation at the annual HSP Gatherings.

There are certain funny notions attached to enlightenment, and many of them apply directly to HSPs. The one I am going to focus on today is the perception that to live an enlightened life, we must turn our back on money, and any and all desires to have anything material in our lives. The ironic thing about this paradigm is that we see "enlightenment" as an all-or-nothing proposition, in which we either become the "Guru In A Diaper" who sits serenely on a mountain top, OR we have "accomplished nothing." The irony lies in the fact that a concept like "enlightenment" has its roots in nonduality, and we immediately assign an "either/or" duality to it.

Enlightenment-- to the degree we experience it-- isn't about abandoning money or things. Enlightenment is about reducing/ending our personal suffering. And we don't really end suffering by making declarations that we must be "dirt poor" in order to see the light. In fact, we just trade one form of suffering for another.

It is true that greater self-awareness often involves a certain amount of "downsizing" of the stuff we surround ourselves with-- "stuff" we have put there because it feeds our egos. But there is a huge difference between making a choice to be a "responsible" human (in the sense Daniel Quinn distinguished between "givers" and "takers" in his metaphorical novel "Ishmael"), and choosing a modern-day ascetic lifestyle.

Sometimes we just have to stop and think about whether we are making sense.

Exciting News!

I have periodically complained that Austin-- in spite of generally being the most "progressive" metro area in Texas-- is rather lacking when it comes to "HSP-friendly" ideas and activities.

I have great hopes that this is going to change. Well, at least I have great hopes that it will change for me.

Late last year, a world-class retreat center opened in Austin. Not only did it open in Austin, but it is in the far north, no more than 5-6 miles from where I live. Omega at the Crossings is part of the greater Omega organization, based in Rhinebeck, New York.

From looking at their spring course catalog, I see a lot of the "big names" of the self-growth and metaphysics world will be making stops here.

Things are looking up....