Monday, October 05, 2009

Growing: It Starts with Ourselves

I recently returned from a week in Europe, dealing with my late mother's estate, and settling her affairs. Although it was a busy and often emotionally challenging week, being there allowed me some time to reflect on life, and our choices... how we choose to live, and what the consequences of those choices are.

I don't remember exactly when-- maybe it was 2003?-- I was at an HSP Gathering, listening to Elaine Aron give a presentation.

One of the little snippets I took away, and which has stuck with me ever since, is the idea that we must "heal OURSELVES, before we can heal others."

Of course, that's a two way street.

Ultimately, just like we can't "make it OK" for anyone else, nobody else can "make it OK," for US.

As HSPs, we're very aware of other people's feelings, and we're also very aware of subtleties in people's energies. Many HSPs are "givers" and "healers" by nature (even if they are not aware of it) and I think we often busy ourselves trying to "make it OK" for others... in some hope (which is actually a bit passive-aggressive, if you think about it) that the other person(s) will magically turn around and "heal" us, as a reciprocal "thank you" for our "efforts."

Usually, such expectations will lead to disappointment.

If the above sounds a bit "accusatory" to you... pause, for a moment, and ponder whether you feel that way because I'm touching on an uncomfortable truth, in your life.

Long before I was aware there was such a thing as "being an HSP," one of my Teachers pointed out that it is not anyone else's job to "heal us," or "fix us."

AT BEST, the only thing "another" can do, is provide a "sacred space" in which we can sit and "tell stories." However, "The Other" (be it a therapist, God, the Beloved, a friend, spouse) can really only hold the hole of "listener;" they can never be the "fixer."

Expectations will "bite you" every single time. Expectations that the "fix" (and hence healing) is going to come from someplace "outside" ourselves... will come back to haunt us, every time. It has bitten me, every time I've noticed myself slide into that pattern. I watch it bite friends, and acquaintances. AND... below that... I watch people insist that "someone" made it OK for them... and a few months down the road, they come back and admit that it was just a "magic bandaid" whose effect wore off a few months/years down the road... because the underlying pain was never actually dealt with... just temporarily glossed over.

Maybe this sounds a bit "fatalistic," but actually I don't believe it IS. It's just about being ACCOUNTABLE, and about becoming "active agents" in our own lives, rather than trying to farm out accountability to external events.

I don't remember who said this, but it's a quote I often keep in mind: "Life isn't about what HAPPENS to you, it's about how you RESPOND to what happens."


Talk Back: Do you find yourself sliding into a pattern of "blaming externals" for where you are in life? Do you recognize that you rely on the idea that "IF ONLY someone/something did this and that" your life would be better? Or are you more self-directed? Leave a comment!


  1. Thanx. Your posts helps me to breath easier

  2. Oh, sweet, blessed Accountability. One reason I'm so attracted to ho'oponopono ( as a constant practice is because it presumes my 100% responsibility for everything.

    And one might think that would feel heavy but, ironically, it's the Lightest thing I've ever accepted.

    Speaking of Light, keep on shining, Peter. This cyber-lighthouse of yours is powerful!


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