Monday, May 05, 2003
This summer-- in spite of being broke-- I will be doing a lot of travelling. Some of it will be "time travelling." I will be spending a week in Spain, with my parents, in an area where I have not been since 1985, but where I lived for almost 4 years as a teen. A trip to the past. A trip to what could have been my reality. A trip to something I consciously turned my back on. Once upon a time. How will it be, now? It is the first time I will be visiting my parents since they moved from Phoenix, permanently back to Europe
Then I will be in Denmark. My roots. Even after all these years, many parts of me are more Danish than anything else. My sense of egalitarianism. My softspokenness. I've lived in the US for 22 years, but I still think of myself as Danish. Perhaps it's not so much because I am "Danish" as it is that I am "not American." Denmark gives me a strange peace. My S.O. says I change, when I am over there. Like I become more comfortable in my own skin. Like I fit in. Like my particular type of assertiveness which seems too "soft" in Texas suddenly becomes "proportionate" to my surroundings, and I become "just right," as a human being. I will be staying at my aunt's house-- an old "summerhouse" that was built in 1939 and now is a type of family "community property," used as a timeshare by about 10-15 people. I played there as a kid. It was always a treat to go spend the weekend at my aunt's house. My aunt raised me, in part, and offered me a glimpse of what "healthy love" looked like-- just enough that I know when I don't have it, and that I want it. It is neither the past, the present, nor the future-- time stops; ceases to exist; becomes immaterial when I am there.
And then I go to California, after just a few days back in Texas. That's the future. The continuation of my Journey to the Self. A step from "studying" the HSP community as an observe, to being in it, and looking for ways in which I might be able to build a (working) future as a part of it. Helping others, help themselves. Maybe it's about learning; maybe it's about fellowship; maybe it's just about finding a "place" in space and time. Maybe I am looking for "someone." A "connection."
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