HSPs and the struggle with Friendships

I have generally stuggled with relationship/friendship dynamics for most of my life. Of course, until I learned about the HSP trait, I pretty much believed that I "should" be able to make friend with almost anyone... and it was a puzzle to me why it always seemed so difficult, and why so many friendships I formed seemed to quickly go away.

On a very general level, it seems to me that HSPs and non-HSPs often "interpret" the same situation quite differently... and there are communication issues, even when both people have only the best of intentions. And given that there are few HSPs in the world, it generally holds true that most people we meet with will not be HSPs.

Whereas I used to have trouble even making friends (but that was on account of social anxiety, not because I'm an HSP), I now make friends rather easily. However, keeping them is rather a challenge, at least when it comes to mon-HSPs.

One observation I have-- which I have explored in some depth with an HSP "internet pen pal"-- is that I believe a lot of people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs; but while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people it's like "the novelty wears off" and they want to return to the more superficial way of living they consider their "normal." Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity, and want me to "lighten up." It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."

Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural tendency towards compassion and empathy. How often have you-- as an HSP-- been told you are "really easy to talk to?" HSPs also seem to have "soft" personal boundaries.... which (at least for me) seems to combine to create this dynamic in which I feel like I gradually become someone's "therapist" rather than their friend. I grant you, I am naturally predisposed to helping those with "broken wings," so I am sure that has influenced my choices. And I know that part of friendship is about sharing "troubles," but it ends up feeling like "one-way traffic," and I find myself pondering "does everyone have this much chaos and drama in their life?" And I am sure the fact that I don't tend to say things like "take your crap and drama to someone else" (which I understand "normal" people do quite readily) also plays into the picture.

I recently realized that during the past 10 years-- about as long as I have known about the HSP trait-- virtually all the new friends I have made have been fellow HSPs. Now, that may sound a bit "exclusive," but the truth of the matter is that friends are like our chosen family. Whereas it may sound all nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose "diversified" friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company. And I happen to like the company of HSPs... and I highly recommend finding and making some HSP friends.

Maybe that sounds hard... but it needn't be. Most of my HSP friends started as friends in cyberspace that eventually turned into "real life" friends. Remember, you always have the right to make friends at a pace that "feels right" to you, and the relative slowness of the Internet often works well for HSPs.

Friends, Chaos and Detachment

The new telephone directory arrived a few days ago. Whenever it arrives, I have this old habit of going through and finding friends and acquaintances; looking for people I've lost touch with, and so forth. I noticed this year that everyone has "gone." Almost everyone, anyway.

And then I got to thinking about who these people were, and what kinds of relationships we had. And why they ended, so easily, just sliding away into a state of neglect. As a result of this little exercise in analysis, I also came to the very difficult (or uncomfortable) conclusion that-- in many cases-- I "owned" part of the problem.

I deluded myself that these people were "friends," but really... they were there because they could "get" something from me, a "feed" of sorts, and when that "feed" stopped, so did their interest. I realize that I tend to come across as someone who has "the answers" and others often operate under the perception that I have my life together. Which is simply not true-- but perceptions are often more important than facts.

I don't want this to sound harsh, and it certainly doesn't make it EASIER to cope with losing someone.... but it really isn't "friendship" when people are just interested in me because I am "useful" to them. In my case, that "use" has often been my ability to act as a "guide" or "ship's counselor." Sometimes the use has been more practical-- often in a monetary sense. I can't deny that friendship certainly involves the process of "helping" a friend, but when the friendship is defined by my giving help-- it quickly becomes usuary. And in looking at this stuff, I have also come to realize that I have personally grown in a direction that makes the original "connection" with those people less relevant than it used to be.

A "real" friend recently sent me this web page link:

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

and I found it to be interestingly timely, mostly in the way it served as a reminder of many of the co-dependency issues I visited in therapy, many years ago. My travels through the online HSP Communities suggest that this is an issue that's relevent to many HSPs.

As an aside, coping.org is an enormous site with almost endless linked pages that allow you to meander and evaluate some of your own issues and struggles in life, and it also offers many (often "tough love" oriented, I grant you) solutions. Every underlined word is a link to yet another issue and level of "granularity." Many HSPs might find something useful there-- I know I certainly have.