The Pervasiveness of Abuse: Denial of Voice

In one of the HSP groups on Yahoo, one conversation has recently been going on the topic of abuse-- most specifically, verbal and emotional abuse.

Based on talking to 100's (maybe 1000's?) of HSPs via email over the past decade, and from message boards and listservs and online communities, as well as from Gatherings and workshops... it seems to be a sad fact that an alarming number of HSPs end up being part of an emotionally/verbally abusive dynamic I can best describe as "denial of voice."

It may be that everyone who has something "a little different" about them (HSP or not) is subject to having their reality questioned by the mainstream, but with the typical HSPs' soft spoken and accommodating demeanor, they seem more likely to have their voice "walked on" by dominant (but usually insecure) personalities. In isolated incidents it might not really constitute "abuse," but as a pattern in primary relationships/friendships it quickly does cross over into abuse. Invalidating someone because you feel threatened by their not thinking like you is-- at the very LEAST-- a form of bullying. Bullying as a long term pattern is abusive.

I was raised with this pattern, and have become rather "intimately familiar" with it, as I worked through my large "valise" of old baggage. My typical memory of childhood would be making statements like "Mom, the label in my shirt is scratchy," and getting responses like "Oh, what absolute nonsense! You can't feel a thing;" or if I expressed sadness over some roadkilled animal at the side of the road my dad might say "Rubbish! People don't feel sad over such things." Quite literally, your voice is "denied." And in the process, you gain a feeling of being "defective." For me, it became my "truth" (false, rather than my Authentic Truth) as I reached adulthood that my feelings had "no value." Thus, I "learned" to not HAVE feelings.

Most people don't recognize this type of dynamic as "something" because it doesn't look abusive... there's no yelling, and to most people it just looks like "friendly bantering" between spouses/family members. In fact, most mental health professionals (except emotional abuse specialists) will semi-brush it aside and say stuff like "You just need some assertiveness training." Useful as that may be (and I certainly don't deny that it has its place), fighting fire with fire doesn't actually remove the fire. The situation is generally self-perpetuating, because the abuser paints themselves the "victim" of someone's hypersensitivity.

Abuse is wrong, no matter what form it takes.

HSPs as "Easy Targets" for Abusive Behavior

One of the most common discussions in the online HSP Communities revolve around the idea that HSPs are-- somehow-- "easy targets" for the kind of people who tend to "use" others to get their needs met, regardless of whether it's abusive, or coincidental.

I think those in need of healing intuitively seek out healers. Whether we necessarily believe it, I think we HSPs are natural healers of troubled souls/psyches. My guess is that's how come many HSPs end up in couseling-like and teaching fields. The trouble comes to us when the toxic people get to be "partners," rather than "clients." The troubles we are trying to heal suddenly get to be very close.

Maybe we're uncomfortable sending away someone who seems to be in need. Someone who has an "inner wound." Even if that inner wound can damage us, if we stand too close to it, for too long. Maybe they sense that we can "heal" them, on some level-- and seek us out. However we may experience and internalize our feelings-- people with personality disturbances rarely look at us (or anyone else, for that matter) and think: "Here, let me HURT this person." They are looking for someone who will just "accept" them... (their paradigm).. and maybe the difference is that non-HSPs have boundaries that automatically reject the "damaged" personality.