HSPs, Responsibility, Conscientiousness... and Obligations

If you have ever completed Dr. Elaine Aron's "sensitivity self test," one of the items in the questionnaire reads "I am conscientious."

I suppose many people would like to think of themselves as conscientious, but HSPs seem to be especially so, sometimes to the point where it can start to feel like a burden, in some respects.

It is that burden aspect I want to touch on, today...

As part of ongoing self-awareness of what it means to be highly sensitive, we each have to learn where our potential "traps" exist. By traps, I mean the places where the attributes of our personality that feel natural to might end up causing us suffering in our engagement with the external world.

In looking back across my life, one of my "traps" has been my tendency to keep my promises and keep engaging in a certain activity even if it is no longer appreciated (or taken for granted), and it increasingly feels like a drag and obligation to keep going.

"Well, I promised I would... so I WILL keep  doing this, even though I wish I didn't have to!"

How often has that little voice spoken up, inside your head?

In time, I became aware that it is very easy for me to go from a place of happily volunteering to do something helpful — for another person, or an organization — to feeling like I have become trapped in something that now feels like an obligation... and offers me little of the joy I felt when I first got involved.

The "problem" is that there are many people in the greater world who discover that an HSP friend of theirs is super reliable and always does their best... something that can often be quite a rarity in our world!

And so, you might end up with a scenario like I have experienced a number of times, in which I was allegedly "temporary assistance" but because I have done an exemplary and efficient job — being "conscientious" — I seem to have become "permanented," without any conversation about it.

I volunteered to help out, not to take on a permanent obligation!

As I have aged, I have increasingly avoided responsibility, and tend to back away quietly, whenever someone needs help with some kind of project or problem. I do this because responsibility ends up feeling like an obligation pretty quickly, and in turn obligations soon enough leave me feeling overstimulated. 

In case you are wondering how and why... it's because the obligations feel frustrating, and frustration = overstimulation.

"But you used to be so nice and helpful!"

Sometimes I hear those words, and they definitely sting a bit! But then I also pause and consider the fact that when others classify me as "nice," what they are sometimes really saying is "you used to not have boundaries and I could walk all over you!"

It's no fun feeling like you are being used, and having healthy personal boundaries is an essential part of living a balanced life, as a highly sensitive person.

One of the better truisms I have heard along the way is this: "No is a complete sentence!"

Worth keeping in mind, as part of our self-awareness and setting of personal boundaries!

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HSPs, Choices, Choosing and Consequences

I have been pondering the ins and outs of "choices," recently. Not long ago, I wrote about "observing" vs. "participating," and this time I'll also dig a little deeper into that particular topic...

Choices are interesting creatures. We generally look to our ability to choose our path as a tool for freedom and empowerment; as a way to create the paths and lives we wish to follow. On the surface, this is a pretty straightforward idea.

And yet?

So often, we allow the process of "choosing" to become a hurdle, itself, rather than an opening; rather than the invitation and opportunity that it is. I have previously written about how we HSPs are sometimes given to lapsing into "analysis paralysis," and perhaps the issues we face when it comes to making choices is merely a variation on this.

How often have you been with a friend who insisted "But I had NO CHOICE!" Or perhaps you-- or someone you know-- seemed immobilized when faced with the task of choosing between "A or B." Or perhaps you have found yourself waiting for "absolute certainty" with regard to something, before feeling comfortable in choosing. Or have wanted to "have it both ways" as a means to avoid having to make a choice. Or maybe you ended up unhappy with the outcome of a situation, following a choice not made-- perhaps the result of taking a "wait and see" approach. One of my father's sisters was forever lamenting how she "never got to do anything" because she invariably felt immobilized when faced with choices... as a result of which many opportunities simply passed her by, while she was deliberating.

Do you recognize yourself, in any of these scenarios?

Have you ever considered your patterns... and the possible ways in which "hesitance around choosing" may be responsible for holding you back from things you really want to do?

One of my Teachers once reminded me that "non-choice" is also a choice. For the first 30 years of my life, this was one of my biggest challenges... my uncanny "talent" for assigning "no particular importance" to most situations I faced; instead of saying "I'd prefer pizza for lunch," I'd say "whatever... it doesn't matter.... YOU choose," and then would end up feeling put upon because things never seemed to unfold as I'd hoped, or even in a way I liked.

Perhaps one of the things that scares us about choices is that a choice ultimately represents a commitment. And when we commit to something-- and I mean commit fully and completely-- we also commit to "owning" the consequences of our choices, not least of which is giving up one or more alternatives. By choosing, and owning accountability for our choices, we no longer get to "farm out" (however subtly) part of the responsibility for the outcome of the choice to someone else, or to the weather, or the black cat that wandered across our path-- even though we might still try!

It always amazes me just how many generally well-meaning people engage in this subtle dance, designed (unconsciously?) to get them "off the hook" of responsibility and accountability.

Using the simplest of metaphors, when I commit and say "I want pizza for lunch," I'm essentially giving up my option to pass on some of the responsibility for the pizza not being "all that" through a statement like "Well, it was really Bob's idea that we get pizza, but I went along with it." Furthermore, by choosing the pizza I also "lost" the opportunity to have baked salmon which also sounded really good... and in my "post bad pizza" state of mind might lead to feelings of regret.

In the arena of human dynamics and relationships, choosing can become especially tricky. In few places can we come up with more excuses, rationalizations, reasons, justifications and explanations than when we deal with other people-- and start to consider scenarios like "Jill's feelings will be hurt, if I choose to have lunch with Sue."

Now, as HSPs, we tend to be very empathic and compassionate people... but how well are we really served by being wishy-washy about choosing? In addition, many HSPs have a temperamental preference for "open ended" scenarios and for possible, rather than "decided" paths.

Again, I come back to the trouble with feeling immobilized by choice... and to the problem of letting the fear of an unsatisfactory outcome get in the way of reaching for the choice-- and outcome-- we really want, in our hearts and souls.

Maybe it's just part of human nature to fear saying (in private, or in public) "I was wrong" or "I made a bad choice." Or, as the case may be, "I thought it was pizza I wanted, but I was wrong. I really wanted salmon." Or "it was a mistake to have lunch with Sue, and now Jill doesn't want to talk to me."

Choosing-- and, again, I'm now primarily talking about the life choices that really have deep and lasting potential to affect our Personal Journeys-- requires us to be active agents in our own lives. When I read books from experts in the area of self-development, we are usually asked to be aware, and awake, and mindful... and to not just sleepwalk through existence. We are asked to be open to allowing "whatever" is going to happen, to happen to us. When we operate from fear, we tend to get "stuck."

Perhaps it's not always important that we necessarily "have our way," merely that we remain cognizant that a "choice point" was passed... and even if what we ultimately did was to "choose NOT to choose" we at least remain awake enough to recognize this as "OUR choice," and be willing to live with the attendant consequences... be they good, bad or indifferent.

I'll end by examining the often-heard statement "But I had NO choice!" Very seldom is this actually true... most often, it's an excuse we throw up. We almost always have a choice, but we can certainly face situations in which none of the available choices are very appealing...

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Talk Back: Do you find it difficult to make choices? Or are you decisive? Have you found yourself in situations where an opportunity "expired" because you didn't make a choice? Or were you afraid to choose? If so, what were you afraid of? Have you ever--or do you-- deferred to the opinions of others, as a means to "not be on the hook" for the outcome of some situation/event? Leave a comment!

HSPs and Accountability for Our Feelings

For most of us, a substantial part of being "a Highly Sensitive Person" revolves around the fact that we are... well... sensitive. Although the HSP trait covers a lot of territory... from physical, to environmental, to sensory, to psychic sensitivities, most people hear the term highly sensitive and immediately go to a place of "gets their feelings hurt easily."

Indeed, this is part of being an HSP.
Part.

So, when you're emotionally sensitive, you're typically deeply affected by people and situations where you encounter rudeness, a basic lack of compassion, unconscious action, cruelty... even outright meanness. We find ourselves in these situations, and "it stings." We are deeply moved... but how do we deal with these feelings? How do we handle it when we feel hurt-- and sometimes (often?) feel an extreme response where most folks around us just seem to "take it in stride," or even "blow it off?"

Many psychologists will argue that nobody can "make you" feel anything... another person may trigger feelings, but they didn't "make" them.

Of course, this is a difficult to understand-- and usually unpopular-- concept. It asks us to be accountable for our intense feelings. I know only too well just how easy it is to slip across a line into the land of accusations and blame; a place where we no longer think "I felt hurt," but instead move into thinking "You MADE ME feel... (whatever)."

But we're highly sensitive, right? We can't deny what we feel... and I'm not suggesting that we do-- I believe our strong feelings are perfectly valid, within our paradigm of being HSPs.

What matters is what we do with them...

Personally, I have had to learn a lot about letting go of blaming others, and dwelling on "external causes" for my hurt feelings as something I'm not responsible for; something "separate" from me. A dear friend-- who's also a therapist for HSPs-- pointed out that we (as adults) often slip into patterns we were in as children. Think about it: When quite young, how often do kids say "But he/she MADE ME DO IT!" to somehow excuse themselves from "owning" bad behavior and negative reactions? There are "versions" of that for adults, as well.

One of the great benefits of being an HSP is the fact that we have a natural inclination to "pause and check." This behavior-- by extension-- translates into a natural tendency to "respond" to situations, rather than "react." However, we still must be careful and mindful... and try to stay away from passive-aggressive "blame games," in which we set out to subtly "punish" others for how they made us feel hurt.

Again, nobody's saying that our feelings (in this case hurt, anger, or whatever) aren't real. The question is, HOW do we process them? WHO do we "make responsible?" Ourselves? Or someone else?

Of course, there's most likely not "ONE right answer." In most cases, the authentic answer becomes "some of each."

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Talk Back: How do you respond, when strong (negative) feelings arise? Do you find yourself able to respond, or are you more likely to react? Do you look for an external source to blame? Do you look inside, to examine where the feelings arose from? Do you believe other people "make you" feel negative things? Or do you see negative feelings as "simply arising?" Once an intense feeling arises, are you able to let go again? Or does the feeling stay with you, and continues to "color" your day/week/month? Leave a comment! Remember, there's no "right" answer.