HSPs, Responsibility, Conscientiousness... and Obligations

If you have ever completed Dr. Elaine Aron's "sensitivity self test," one of the items in the questionnaire reads "I am conscientious."

I suppose many people would like to think of themselves as conscientious, but HSPs seem to be especially so, sometimes to the point where it can start to feel like a burden, in some respects.

It is that burden aspect I want to touch on, today...

As part of ongoing self-awareness of what it means to be highly sensitive, we each have to learn where our potential "traps" exist. By traps, I mean the places where the attributes of our personality that feel natural to might end up causing us suffering in our engagement with the external world.

In looking back across my life, one of my "traps" has been my tendency to keep my promises and keep engaging in a certain activity even if it is no longer appreciated (or taken for granted), and it increasingly feels like a drag and obligation to keep going.

"Well, I promised I would... so I WILL keep  doing this, even though I wish I didn't have to!"

How often has that little voice spoken up, inside your head?

In time, I became aware that it is very easy for me to go from a place of happily volunteering to do something helpful — for another person, or an organization — to feeling like I have become trapped in something that now feels like an obligation... and offers me little of the joy I felt when I first got involved.

The "problem" is that there are many people in the greater world who discover that an HSP friend of theirs is super reliable and always does their best... something that can often be quite a rarity in our world!

And so, you might end up with a scenario like I have experienced a number of times, in which I was allegedly "temporary assistance" but because I have done an exemplary and efficient job — being "conscientious" — I seem to have become "permanented," without any conversation about it.

I volunteered to help out, not to take on a permanent obligation!

As I have aged, I have increasingly avoided responsibility, and tend to back away quietly, whenever someone needs help with some kind of project or problem. I do this because responsibility ends up feeling like an obligation pretty quickly, and in turn obligations soon enough leave me feeling overstimulated. 

In case you are wondering how and why... it's because the obligations feel frustrating, and frustration = overstimulation.

"But you used to be so nice and helpful!"

Sometimes I hear those words, and they definitely sting a bit! But then I also pause and consider the fact that when others classify me as "nice," what they are sometimes really saying is "you used to not have boundaries and I could walk all over you!"

It's no fun feeling like you are being used, and having healthy personal boundaries is an essential part of living a balanced life, as a highly sensitive person.

One of the better truisms I have heard along the way is this: "No is a complete sentence!"

Worth keeping in mind, as part of our self-awareness and setting of personal boundaries!

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HSPs and the problem of "Soft Boundaries"

HSPs often seem to have issues with poor personal boundaries. Whether that's a result of the trait, itself, or not being taught the right skills in childhood I don't know. I hear many HSPs struggle with it, and I have certainly been through my own struggle.

I believe "boundaries" can be a place where people-- and especially we HSPs and people of a helpful compassionate nature-- easily can end up in "razor's edge" situations. Where does "supportive" end, and "healthy boundaries" begin? I had to learn boundaries from the ground up (At great expense, my therapist thanks me!) because I was raised in a family where having boundaries of any sort was viewed as "inconsiderate."

One of the things I had to learn in setting boundaries was not merely to be willing to clearly state my needs, but also to not "overlay" myself on other people. I had to learn how to be "sorry" without being "causally responsible." Indeed, I was sorry when my girlfriend hit her shin on the park bench-- but I was also not responsible for it. I didn't put the bench down in her way, and I didn't force her to go to the park, against her will. In fact, I was 3 miles away. Although until I was about 32, I made myself responsible for EVERYthing-- maybe I "could" have "made her" not go to the park, had I "known" that there was going to be a bench. As HSPs, and empaths, I think it's easy to take on the troubles of the world-- but there's a big difference between being "supportive of" and "responsible for" someone else's distress. A "boundary" we must learn, as part of not getting overwhelmed. I continue to struggle with it.....

The other thing I had to learn, was how to use the word "no." Again, my childhood/youth model was that saying "no" to someone's request was both self-centered and rude. When I was a young adult, this turned me into an unhealthy person who could only say "no" as part of a final explosion of pent-up rage and frustration. It took me a very long time to learn that "no" is better used as a tool to not reach the "point of explosion," in the first place. Corny as it might sound, I had to practice saying "no" to myself, in the mirror. Eventually I did learn to pose the internal question "Do I want to do this, or am I just feeling obligated?" The biggest problem with not being able to say "no" is that you quickly lose your humanity-- you end up becoming a "human DOING," rather than a "human BEING."

For me, the most difficult thing hasn't really been learning to say "no," or developing healthy boundaries. I has been dealing with the environmental effect of change-- how to deal with other people's reactions. After all, you have friends/acquaintances who are used to a particular paradigm for your behavior-- and suddenly you become like a "different person." Very confusing. And it also has a way of "flushing out" and bringing into question (usuary) relationships that were originally formed on a less than healthy basis.