The Love of Silence

I'm not sure whether it's entirely "an HSP Thing" but I love silence. I mean that not only in the sense that we HSPs all need our regular "quiet time" in order to function well in life... I meant that I just like silence.

There are few things I find more soothing than sitting someplace where the only thing I hear is the breeze, or the sound of raindrops, or one of my cats purring.

We live in a super noisy world. Not only is it eternally noisy with the sound of commerce and "busy-ness," it's noisy with the "sound" of people's chattering psychic energies. It may be perfectly "silent" somewhere, but many of us can still "hear" the sound of people's anxious and nervous energy.

It's surprisingly different to find true silence, in today's world. We live in a small town, over an hour from the nearest metropolitan area. I can usually find a semblance of silence on one of our local beaches. And even then, it's only because I walk several miles down a beach that has no land access... so very few people bother to go there. But I can find silence, looking out across the water, across the straits towards the islands, with Canada in the distance. Sure, ships pass by, but they are so far out in the ship channel that I am barely aware of them.

When I was a kid, being "home alone" was actually one of my favorite things. Because the house would be quiet... and I could lie on the floor and listen to the sound of... almost nothing. We lived far enough down a quiet neighborhood street-- and at the end of a cul-de-sac-- so there was almost no sound of passing cars.

Somehow, I felt comforted by being alone with little more than my breathing. Silence afforded me a sense of... privacy. A sense that the world was-- at least for the moment-- not going to come and "make demands" of me.

Even when I was a teenager, I was never "one of those" who would use my parents not being home as an excuse to blast the stereo. In fact, I can say that I never went through a "blast the stereo phase," in my life. Not saying that's a "good" or "bad" thing... just that it's my thing.

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Talk Back! What's YOUR relationship with silence? Do you love silence, or does complete stillness make you antsy?

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Reflections on The “Size” of Life, energy management, and being an HSP

I live a fairly small life.

It didn’t always used to be so. For many years, I did the whole “striving” thing, living on the treadmill of always trying to get “more” of whatever it is society teaches us we “should” want more of.

The primary thing that originally motivated me to "reinvent" myself was the realization that-- as an HSP-- I have very finite "bandwidth" in terms of dealing with life. I find myself getting especially exhausted around "chaos" and people whose lives seem dominated by chaos and "drah-mah"... typically of their own making. Yet, no matter how much said chaos may be of their making, it falls down like a particularly toxic form of psychic acid rain on everyone else in their vicinity. Perhaps you can relate to this?

Some 15 years later, my life (by choice) is much smaller. Less "stuff," less action, fewer demands, almost a complete "turnover" of the group of people I once considered acquaintances-to-friends, much lower cost of living, much less effort needed to sustain myself.

The upside to all this is that much more of the "content of life" is in my life because I choose it, rather than as a result of having it "forced on me," by the inevitability of a chaotic life I have little or no control over. Or if not exactly “forced” on me, at least as a result of trying to maintain a life that left me feeling like I “had no choice” but to keep running insanely.

Now there are those who'd say I'm "in denial" and "out of touch" with real life... and that I have retreated too far inside my comfort zone. Whereas there may be aspects of truth to such allegations, I keep coming back to the fact that my current lifestyle was a very thoroughly planned and consciously chosen one. At the heart of that is the knowing that I didn't "run away" from my old life, I "ran towards" my new one... I was not trying to "avoid stress," I was trying to "gain peace."

In any case, as nice as all that may sound, I still struggle to "manage my energy." After some years of living in a rather “self contained” manner, I am now faced with many things I want to take on (as opposed to have to take on) but I continue to struggle with making wise choices. As some of you (who have been "with" me from "times of old") know, every time I end up "going away" for a while, it's the result of life having "become bigger" than my capacity to deal with it.

At the moment, I have several projects "simmering," but I find myself cautious about launching myself into them... concerned that I'll just end up "getting absorbed" again, and crashing, usually at a time when a bunch of other people are "depending" on me to be "the strong one" in a situation. Once again, everything becomes about sound "energy management."

So this is really a long-winded way of wanting to explore the topic of how we-- as HSPs-- best "manage our available energy," walking that fine line between getting overwhelmed and overstimulated, and completely isolating ourselves from "the stuff of life" in order to preserve our energy "at all costs."

I know that certain things are different, in my life, from how they used to be. The last few years have been very healing for me, and I now "come at life" from a place where I feel strong and healthy, rather than from a place where I feel frazzled and overwhelmed. I work for myself, I'm making a living doing something I truly enjoy; I'm debt free; I live in a place of my choosing, which I feel like I "belong to," on a very deep level; I'm in a beautiful and deeply loving and reciprocal love relationship; life is good! And after these years of healing, I am ready to approach the world again... but it has to be from a place of deliberate choices and conscious mindful actions.

I'm at a point in my life where "grin and bear it" is not an acceptable option, anymore. Without getting overly dramatic about it, I have worked pretty damned hard to get to the place where I am, now... and I'm not willing to just "give it up again."

"The middle way" seems like an ideal... but what does the middle way look like, in a practical sense? How do you fully commit to something, without also going overboard on it, allowing it to control you and spinning out? Boundaries, yes... but it's hard to know, ahead of time, where boundaries need to be when you're not sure how demanding (or not) something is going to be.

I have found—and increasingly find—that a large part of the answer lies in making prudent and informed choices. And a central part of what makes a choice prudent for me, is feeling a strong sense of “rightness,” when I make the choice. On a general level, that translates as “choose only the things you are MOST passionate about. Leave the rest in the background.” Maybe that sounds simplistic, and I can certainly hear “voices” in the background, saying “Oh, it’s just NOT that simple!”

I’m not denying that there are aspects of life we “have to” deal with, whether we like them, or not. That’s just a part of life, or of being human, or of being a responsible adult™. That said, we have a right to choose. And not only do we have a right to choose, we have the duty (to ourselves and others) to pause and examine the motivations behind our choices. When we feel “uneasy and pressured” about investing in our uncle Bob’s new restaurant—but feel “obligated” to do so, anyway—it’s worth pausing to examine not so much the investment, or our decision (itself) but the (for example) guilt that’s causing us to say “yes,” when we really want to say “HELL, NO!”

What are we afraid of, when we say "no" to Uncle Bob? That he will no longer speak to us? That telling him the simple truth that his restaurant will fail will cause a family rift? Let's say it's friends, instead. If we are afraid to tell them "no," what "leverage" is it they are holding over our heads? Furthermore, if these friends will "no longer speak to us" if we don't do their "bidding" (whatever that may be), what is the friendship really based on, in the first place?

So what’s really my point, here?

As an HSP, I can handle a lot, if what I am asked to handle is something I am truly “into” and believe in. Not so true of things that feel like an “obligation,” or a "manipulation," or that simply don’t interest me. And so “managing energy” is not merely about “how much,” but about “what” we get involved in. And it’s especially about mindfulness and prudent choices. And part of THAT revolves around setting good boundaries and adopting a willingness to enforce them. It’s OK to say “no” to your uncle. The comeback “but we’re FAMILY!” does not make something an appropriate investment. And with friends? It's also OK to say "no," and if the friendship cannot withstand a "no," then question not what is being asked, but the connection, itself.

Ultimately, we have to know ourselves, and honor our capabilities. Sometimes, that may seem a little selfish... but what good are we to others, if we are no good to ourselves?

Choose wisely.

HSPs and the push-pull dilemma

I've been told that-- as HSPs go-- I am very "out there" and "visible."

Considering that I see myself as very much of an introvert (and the "I" in my Myers-Briggs INFJ is without question), it always surprises me a bit when people tell me this. When I dig around for an explanation, they point to my blogs and web sites, and the way I participate in events like the HSP Gatherings, and local HSP groups, and so forth.

It made me pause and reflect on the "push-pull" dilemma a lot of sensitives face. Most HSPs-- in their souls and essences-- are idealists with a strong drive to change the world and make life a better place, for all. The idea of "changing things," as well as the idea of connecting with their peers, appeals to them.

At the same time, most HSPs are introverts (70-75%) and many have issues with overstimulation from a lot of activity and interaction, if not with outright Social Anxiety. As such, being in the world can feel very daunting.

The above certainly the potential to set up some inner conflicts and paradoxes: We want to change the world, but to change the world we must get "out there" and "be seen," and "being seen" causes us to become overstimulated or anxious, so we instead end up "staying in," keeping all our grand ideas to ourselves, and gradually grow all depressed over not having changed the world.

Elaine Aron describes the plight of the HSS (High Sensation Seeker) HSP as being akin to driving with one foot on the brake and one foot on the gas-- there's a pull in opposite directions. An inner "I want to go, but I'm anxious about going" dynamic. The more I have learned about the trait, the more I believe there are elements of this dynamic that can be applied to all HSPs.

Of course, the whole idea of "Changing the World" can be a stumbling block, in and of itself. We can easily get stuck in what I call the "Cure-for-Cancer Syndrome." That is, we believe we must do something "important" in order for the world to benefit. Perhaps it's true that we tend to hear about "big" accomplishments-- however, the vast majority of change in the world occurs as a result of lots of people making lots of tiny changes that cumulatively have a huge effect on the greater good.

Getting back to the push-pull issue, the one thing we do have to do, in order to effectuate change in the world, is find ways in which we are willing to "be seen."

Now, my "being seen" may be quite different from your "being seen," but they have in common that we must find a way to get our ideas moved from "merely a concept inside our minds" to being "shared with others." This can be a considerable challenge for HSPs. Over the years I have met so many who have had wonderful things to contribute, but for whatever reasons (mostly relating to the fear of overstimulation and not wanting to be noticed by others) say "no, I can't do that" when asked to share with the world. Similarly, there are times when we have to "take our heart in our hands" and take that step required to get involved, in a local group, or going to self-improvement workshops, or attending an HSP Gathering.

If we don't, we run the risk of spending our lives eternally sitting on the fence, watching others live while we miss out.

TALK BACK: Are there things you "wish" you'd do, but feel held back because it would mean you were "seen?" Even small things, like contributing to an online forum, or starting a blog? Or larger things, like a social group you know you'd like, but can't bring yourself to go to? Or are you willingly and openly "out" there? If so, does this come naturally to you, or have you had to "train" yourself?

Please leave a comment!

California HSP Gathering, Afterthought

I have always thought I had a pretty good "grip" on the differences between Introversion and Extraversion. Central to this understanding was the idea that Extraverts have an "external frame of reference," while introverts have an "internal frame of reference."

As a result of going to the Gathering, things have become less clear. For all intents and purposes, I know myself to be an Introvert. Have been, as long as I can remember.

HOWEVER.....

At the Gathering, I found that my frame of reference became almost exclusively "external." I got virtually all my "energy" from the people around me. I actively sought out people, rather than solitude.Of course, I can easily associate this with the fact that I had a feeling of being "included," rather than "excluded," as I am used to. However, that experience raises so questions-- for me, anyway-- about how we define introversion vs. extraversion. To what degree does our environment push us to "falsify" our type? Am I really an HSP-extravert whose history of "negative feedback" from interactions ("The environment") has caused me to seek energy internally? Or does the "safe environment" that made me feel momentarily extraverted actually represent a "false echo," since it is-- really-- not a "real life environment?"

HSPs, Introversion and Meeting People

I am an INFJ, HSP, enneatype 9 and assorted other things that add up to my being not the most "social animal" in the world. In general, I'd say that I have relatively little interest in "group activities" with strangers, although I must confess that I very much enjoy the company of a close friend, on a one-on-one basis. You could say that I don't much like people in a "global" sense, but am very fond of people on a case-by-case basis.

Having said, it may surprise you to know that in my 10+ years of being online, I have met in excess of 100 people, face-to-face, whom I originally "met" through some kind of Internet connection. "How is that POSSIBLE?" you might ask. For starters, let's not forget that this adds up to only about 10 people a year, and many of them were met as part of a group. My point, however, is that 90+% of these encounters have been very positive and non-overwhelming experiences.

I have met an occasional introvert who didn't mind (and even liked) groups-- as long as the group interaction was of a finite period of time, and not too long. In certain circumstances-- which I'll get to-- I belong to that latter group. There's an interesting dynamic, when you get predominately introverts together in a group setting-- they'll find a "comfort zone" very quickly-- usually meaning that a group (for example) of 12 introverts will pair up into six one-on-one conversations-- maybe changing partners, now and then. 12 extraverts would be more likely to have one big free-for-all.

Of course, there are also extraverted HSPs-- but this entry is not about you. But I didn't want you to think that I thought all HSPs are introverts.

But back to how this introverted HSP could go about voluntarily meeting so many people.

There is no parallel in our daily lives that compares to what it is like to "meet" a group of people "you already know" from some kind of online connection. Meeting a group of people (HSPs, for example) you have been emailing with for 6 months or more is completely different from going to a support group (of strangers) you signed up for at the local health center. When you do meet in person, there is a strange camraderie I cannot really describe. Although you are meeting for the "first" time, these people are not "strangers;" and not only are they "not strangers," they are people (thanks to the strange sense of closeness this medium gives us) you have probably shared more openly of your life with than the majority of your "real" friends.

I have been to a total of 7 "group gatherings" which were based on some "common interest." All have been highly positive experiences; I have made some wonderful friends in the process. It seems to me that when you get together (as a group) around a "common bond" it doesn't feel like you're "in a group." It feels like you're in a supportive and non-judgmental meeting of dear friends.

Although I have only been to one "event" that was based on the HSP trait as the "common factor," this meeting of HSPs was no different. And Dr. Aron writes of the importance of HSPs making friends with other HSPs-- so the effort is well worth it.