HSP Living: Planning, Politics, Getting Started and the Fear of Change

It's the 27th of December. The year is almost over; in a few days we get to "uncork" a fresh new year, filled with...?

Regardless, 2016 will be closed and put in the history books. It was a turbulent year for many, for a variety of reasons. For some, a great year. But many will feel relieved that it's over.

A lot of folks — HSPs and otherwise — feel that the political ruckus in the USA is somehow to blame for much of their malaise. From my vantage point, there is little doubt that the Presidential race and election brought everyone in touch with "something" that made many feel...

... feel what, exactly?

I have been pondering this post for quite a while... almost two months, actually... its direction changing like the wind on the back of  each new perspective and insight; its words prompted by the insistence of some that I am — somehow — a "thought leader" in the HSP Community, so I should "say something about how we're feeling" because people "expect" it.

Seriously? I hate expectations. And I have never felt like it's my place to "speak for" people. I find it challenging enough to speak for myself.

But this morning, the last puzzle piece fell into place; the missing piece of what it is we (or many of us) are feeling.

There is little doubt in my mind that a lot of people are struggling these days; struggling emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially. And there is a blockage or stuck-ness there... like patiently sitting at a traffic light that never turns green because you are following the rules and haven't yet realized that the traffic light is actually broken and will never turn green. But as long as you wait at the red light you are at least safe, even if you are wasting a lot of gas and your life is wasting away.

As I said, it took me a long time to determine exactly what people were struggling with. What I was struggling with. What also took me a long time was determining how to say what I wanted to share, without the overlay of the inevitable partisan political filters that permeate the world at the moment and seem to turn every civilized discussion into a battlefield.

I wanted to simply talk about what many are feeling from a purely human perspective, rather than a "Liberal" or "Conservative" perspective.

As HSPs — Highly Sensitive Persons — we are given to process deeply. But sometimes this deep processing goes over the edge into a sort of "analysis paralysis." We end up creating our own "broken traffic light" to get stuck behind.

The more I considered and sat with what I was feeling — while occasionally going off on assorted tangential tirades and rants — the more I came to realize that the heart of many people's dis-ease is centered around uncertainty. The unknown. People are getting "stuck" in a variety of cycling thoughts and analyses because on Tuesday, November 8th, the US threw out everything we "know" about politics and how the conventional political system works.

Regardless of whether you hate government, mistrust government or think it's a great thing... the election of Donald Trump meant that we can no longer look at things — and count on certain processes — the way we did before. It doesn't matter what your political affiliation is, everything changed. Doesn't matter whether you think Trump represents new hope or a total disaster... it still holds true that the "old rules" and the "old system" got swept out the door.

So let's reflect on that for a moment. That's what I did, and then I realized something. In the past, there have been Presidents who did — and did not — represent my perspective or point of view. That said, my reaction back then was something along the lines of "Bummer... now we have to deal with _____ for four years" or "I feel somewhat hopeful that ____ will make a positive change." But we were always dealing with more or less "known" parameters.

But let's continue to keep partisan politics and Presidents out of the picture for a moment... and examine our fundamental humanity.

There's little doubt there were a lot of people here in the US who wanted "change." They saw a system that was broken, and perceived the need for something to be different. The entire Presidential race started off as anti-establishment, with the most visible candidates — Sanders and Trump — swinging from the wings.

Now let's shrink this down to the scale of our daily lives; we often want change. We want to get in shape, get a better job, eat healthier, cook instead of eating out, get involved in our communities, lose weight. And yet?

We seldom DO.

We conceptualize and visualize and theorize the changes we want; we plan them, journal them, meditate on them but end up not acting on them. Or we get started but end up just "dabbling." Most of us join gyms, go 5-10 times, and then slide back into our old patterns. We talk about starting our own businesses, but we never really get around to actually quitting that corporate job and jumping off the cliff into self-employment. We say we want change, but our actions betray the depth (or shallowness?) of our actual commitment.

Because we — ultimately — perceive real change to be "dangerous." It's "scary." It's "uncomfortable."

The underlying ideas and intent are beautiful and rosy, but when push comes to shove, the ongoing actions and commitment required to create real and lasting change often seem overwhelming and harsh. At least for most people. And, truth be known, slamming our fist on the table and telling all our friends that "we need changes!" keeps us dreaming, yet anchored within our comfy safety zones of no-change. It gives us a feeling of taking action, without actually DOING. As a metaphor, we may say that we want to save the environment, and we get "involved," but ultimately, re-tweeting Greenpeace and EarthFirst doesn't actually reduce our carbon footprint.

Getting back to the recent political debacle, we can look at history and see that previously elected "change" candidates have come to power within a known frame of reference. They were governors, or senators, or mayors of some city. Even if we look at Ronald Reagan and feel tempted to call him "that Hollywood actor," fact remains that he was Governor of the state of California, the 6th largest economy in the world. If we look at Minnesota's colorful former Governor, Jesse Ventura, he might have been "a ridiculous pro wrestler from TV" but even he was mayor of the city of Brooklyn Park (a good sized city in Minnesota) and involved in politics for almost ten years before becoming Governor.

We don't have that, now. Phrased as an analogy, we have someone who may have "lots of experience" at operating "heavy machinery" or "sailing giant ships" who's suddenly decided that their debut attempt at flying an airplane is going to be getting in the cockpit of a fully loaded 747 with 450 passengers onboard.

What we also have is the knowledge that it was the election process we otherwise trusted that put him there.

These are things we KNOW, regardless of whether we consider Donald Trump a "welcome change" or "a dangerous sociopath."

And so, there is a sort of "stunned silence," emotionally and spiritually speaking. As much as anything, the underlying issue many are struggling with is the utter uncertainty of the new paradigm. The inner realization that we don't get to "talk about" changes to the system anymore... they ARE HAPPENING, whether we like it or not; whether we are ready or not; whether they even are the changes we want, or not. We have been kicked out of our comfort zones.

In short, we realize we're sitting at the broken traffic light, and we will have to go through on red — dangerous as it may seem — or we will stay stuck till we die of starvation. We must move forward, or we will never get ANYwhere, let alone towards any kind of destination. And there's no "turning around and going back," because it's a one-way street.

Of course, it's also easy to fall into the trap of "spinning stories" that aren't true. Stories that can't be counted on as being the actual outcomes for the future. Stories that keep us stuck in the world of rationalizations, without doing anything to move towards the future. Towards co-creating a future, rather than helplessly get swept along by the inevitable march of time.

The other day, I heard one of the "taking heads" from a major news channel confess his regret at having taken a "Catastrophist" approach to spinning news stories and their implications for the future of the US.

Spinning the future as "eternal doom" is not only disingenuous, it keeps us stuck behind that broken red light, paralyzed by our fear of change.

People don't really like to look at logic and facts.

If you're a dyed-in-the-wool Liberal, let's face it, "half the country" aren't "violent misogynistic racist pigs with guns," starting with the plain fact that Donald Trump received the votes of about 25% of the US voting age population. It's also a pretty good bet (although this is speculation) that the "scary and dangerous" individuals many people on the left fear... likely represent only the most dedicated 20% of Trump's supporters. Which means the other 80% — whereas they may be "conservative," philosophically — are basically ordinary Americans who were fed up with the way the world was turning out.

So you're seriously going to tell me that you're prepared to let 5% of the population keep you cowering in the corner in fear for the next four years?

Don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am NOT a Trump apologist... I'm just suggesting everyone take a step back and evaluate what we are really dealing with, in our distressed emotional states. I'm also not suggesting that those who are horrified by the current situation stand idly by and "allow" it, if they are in opposition. What I am suggesting is taking a moment to clarify exactly what and whom, you are in opposition to. It's easy to paint everything and everyone we don't like with the same broad paintbrush.

If you're a dyed-in-the-wool Conservative, let's face it, "half the country" aren't "whimpering sore-loser libtard snowflakes" longing to turn America into a socialist playground where overcooked political correctness effectively squashes Freedom of Speech just as surely as a militant dictator would. Most people you think of as "Liberals" are much like you, but just didn't believe Trump was the best option we had. 

So... let's all try to stay somewhat civil about it all, and move forward.

Thanks for reading!

And DO feel free to leave a comment!

HSPs and Attachments: Cleaning out the Old, to make room for the New

Change is difficult.

Or, if not "difficult," at least challenging.

Now I am not talking about "changing socks," here... I am talking about real, deep, meaningful and lasting change in how we live our lives.

When I think about change, a favorite quote by Helen Keller comes to mind:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

I've been "cleaning out the old" today, although only in a very small and microcosmic sort of way. I've been wading through literally 100's of old partially started, half-finished and almost-finished posts I've written for this blog, in the course of the past eight years. I realized, as I was doing this, that I had (and have had) a great reluctance to outright "scrap" any of these old pieces of unfinished writing. After all... "what if" they might be important? Or good? Or worth writing later?

When I contemplated all this "unfinished work" I actually came to the realization that it felt a bit an "emotional boat anchor." As long as I kept it, I was also hanging onto an unspoken/unwritten "obligation" to look at it and finish it... later. And it had a "weight."

I paused for a while to consider this. And got to thinking about other aspects of my life, and then about other people's lives... and what we all "cling to" from our pasts. Why is it sometimes so difficult to just let go of things that no longer serve us?

HSPs are masters of examining their lives-- deep introspection is broadly regarded as a part of the trait. It's "processing more deeply." It's "being aware of nuances," primarily in our own lives. Some would argue that we process excessively, and end up with "analysis paralysis."

But I'm not going to talk about that, today.

I'm going to spend a little time on the subject of "change." And the process of effectuating real personal change, as opposed to superficial "cosmetic" changes that may make us feel good about ourselves for a while, but don't really lead to our lives feeling better, in the long run. Central to forging a path forward is finding a measure of willingness to simply let go old stuff we've carried around, frequently with the intent of "dealing with it later."

Often we have good ideas about where we want to go. And a sense of what must be changed. The genuine challenge-- which seems to hold especially true for HSPs, as a group-- is to let go of "the old." Maybe it's because HSPs become very attached to staying in their comfort zones... and even if our old ways were painful and not serving us, there was still a comfortable familiarity there. And so, rather than let go of what no longer is useful, we remain attached to it, and try to "drag it forward" into our present; into the "new life" we are trying to build.

It.
Does.
Not.
Work.

Don't get me wrong; I believe that examining the past in order to gain insights into the present is a valid endeavor. But once you've examined and processed "the past," why continue to burden yourself with it? Be aware of it? Absolutely! But continue to carry it around? Not so good...

Change is scary, too. As HSPs we generally don't like that aspect of change. And we are often a little bit OCD-ish about wanting to know what we're getting into. Stepping towards the "unknown" makes us hesitate. A secondary consideration is that we often refuse to get rid of the old, until we're certain we're going to take up the new. There may be a measure of sense to that-- at least in some situations-- but if the old warrants discarding, on its own merit, why do we persist in making the discard contingent on starting something new?

Could be a new job, or even a shift from corporate employment to self-employment. Even though we (A) hate our old job and it makes us feel stressed out and miserable and (B) we feel quite certain the new direction will make is feel much happier... we hesitate. Or more than hesitate. Instead of putting our energies and resources into our potentially brighter future, we trap ourselves in rationalizations about our not so happy past. We start telling ourselves that our stressful job isn't really that bad. That working 60 hours a week with people we really never got along with "isn't THAT bad."

Could be a relationship, or the promise of a relationship. Even as someone who has proven themselves worthy, over and over, waits for us with open arms we look backwards and reframe a wildly dysfunctional and abusive situation as "not that bad." In a fit of weakness, we may even decide to "abandon" our future and return to the "familiar devil" of our past.

Or, like my writing, it could a hobby. It could be the fourteen boxes of yarn we've been moving around for 15 years because we intended to take up weaving "at some point." And even though it has become pretty obvious that we will never take up weaving, we still cart the boxes around with us... and they represent not only physical baggage (we need to store them, and we could sure use the storage space), but also an emotional "weight" as we carry with us this "unfulfilled intention" to DO something with all this yarn... and even if that doesn't live in our active memories, we're still aware of it, and it takes up "space" in some way.

So what gives? Why do we cling so hard to "what once was" and "what has been?"

The reasons many, and I won't explore their intricacies and convolutions. The main thing I wanted to bring up is the need for awareness that we're clinging to things that no longer serve us. And to share that there is a great relief-- and subsequent healing-- in the act of simply deciding to "let go." Afterwards, there is a "lightness," and we suddenly feel more capable of stepping into the future we have dreamed about, and know that we want.

So... let go! It's gonna be OK.

So what happened to all my writing? Well, I probably scrapped about 120 unfinished posts today; maybe seventy-five thousand words vanished with a few clicks. I saved fewer than 20 that seemed interesting and were "almost finished," and mostly recent. After all, who the hell wants to read stuff written with a five-year old frame of reference? Then I thought "Oh, I should hang onto those, and release them one at a time." THEN I thought... "wait a minute, you're doing the same thing, AGAIN!" And I decided I'd release them onto the blog en-masse, with the original post dates (from when I first wrote them) intact, and then I'd have a clean space from which to continue writing.

It just seemed right.

And yes, I do feel lighter!

---

Talk Back: Do you have a tendency to hold onto the past? Does it keep you from being in the present, and moving forward? When was the last time you did some major cleaning out of old beliefs, objects, people and other things that no longer serve? If you have, how did it feel? If you haven't, what are you waiting for? WHEN will you do it? What is holding you back?

Yes, it's still the same blog!

HSP Notes got a facelift today.

I've had a few comments over the years that the blog was getting a bit "cluttered" with all the information here. I tried to tweak the template to "unclutter" it's appearance, but found that too much of the old format was stored as images on someone else's server and thus not tweakable.

So, now we have a new appearance, rather simpler and hopefully easier on the eye. I've tried to keep the general colors and layout about the same as it was before.

What do you think? Leave feedback in comments!

This little bit of updating made me pause to ponder the difficulties many HSPs have with "change." We often find "change" unsettling, and we take a while to get used to new things. Sometimes this is even true of "cosmetic changes" to existing things. The house on the corner-- which has always been white-- is painted sunflower yellow, and even though it has nothing directly to do with our lives, the change jars our sensitivities.

Of course, big changes-- like a move, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship-- tend to be jarring to ALL people, although especially so for HSPs.

Sometimes our hesitance about changes can result in stuckness. We avoid making a change for fear of dealing with the upsetting feelings the change will cause... whether it is our own overstimulation, OR our concerns that others will become upset with us, because we're choosing to be "different" from how we used to be.

========================

Talk Back: How well do you handle change? Do you find yourself AVOIDING changes, to avoid getting overstimulated? EVEN if those changes are necessary and overdue? Share your experiences-- leave a comment!

Cleaning my Desk: HSPs, Perfectionism and Procrastination

A few days ago, someone sent me the link to a YouTube video about procrastination. It was mostly rather funny, but I also realized the basic truth of much of it.

Whereas I am well aware that procrastination can be a problem for people from all walks of life, it seems to be an issue that affects HSPs more than most. This morning, I found myself speculating on why that is, and what we can do, as HSPs, to deal with "procrastination-worthy" situations more readily.

Elaine Aron writes, in "The Highly Sensitive Person," that HSPs tend to be both deeply conscientious, and often loyal "to a fault." Conscientiousness-- at least in my opinion-- can very easily slide over into "perfectionism," when you take it to extremes. Now, whereas the HSP trait is not a pathology or illness, it is also true that a great many HSPs come from somewhat abusive-- or at least "misunderstood"-- backgrounds. Such personal histories tend to also result in a person becoming rather more cautious in taking on new things. Besides, yet another HSP characteristic is a certain hesitance in taking on things that might cause changes or upheaval in our lives.

I know all of the above issues have been present in my life, and I also realize that they "play together" to leave me in situations where I tend to procrastinate. Most often, I let "little things" get in the way: The classic "I need to clean my desk before I can start working on my stuff" syndrome. And before I know it, I am also tidying up the files I need to put the stuff on my desk into. And on, and on, and on... gradually abandoning what I was really there to do.

As I said before, perhaps this affects everyone. But I recognize how my underlying motivations can be pulled directly from the HSP trait:

I want to make sure I do a good job (conscientiousness)
I want to start slowly (difficulty adapting to changes)
I want to make sure I know where everything is (worried about doing poorly, in front of others)

A wise person-- whose opinion I value-- once told me that there will never be a "right time" to do something, and if we wait for the right time, life may just pass us by while we are waiting. One of the things I have learned-- both as an HSP and as a human-- is that sometimes we just have to jump in, and accept that all we can hope for is a "90% solution," as opposed to a "perfect" solution."

In a very small way, I have seen this in the process of giving this old blog a face lift. A little voice inside me has been saying "You can't put up new posts that will attract people to come and read before you're done with all the changes, and adding all the links, and... and.... and... because people will think you don't care and just keep a messy blog not worth visiting, and... and... and." In a slightly larger way, I have seen it with the rest of my writing-- I tell myself I "can't" start writing articles till I have a "perfect" web site on which to present them. And I "can't" submit my book manuscripts until I have a glowing public reputation and readership for my articles.

Of course, the above holds little water in a practical sense, and is basically procrastination. The true answer is "There is no better time than right NOW."

TALK BACK: If you're an HSP (or not!), do you procrastinate? How has procrastination affected your life? Do you recognize that the HSP trait has had an influence?

Please leave a comment!

HSPs and Avoidance

I wonder sometimes, why so many HSPs-- and Sensitive-type people, in general-- so frequently become "avoidant." I don't speculate on this idly, because it has been true of my own past, as well.

Yes, on some intellectual level, I understand that HSPs are "hurt more deeply" when life gets rough, but in this particular case I am more referring to a different pattern I often observe.

Metaphorically speaking, the inner reasoning seems to go something like "I was badly hurt by event type A, therefore I will never attempt (completely different) event types B and C." Call it "non-parallel reasoning," if you will.

Being an HSP is an inborn trait. We can't make it "go away," so the only way to thrive in life is to understand the trait, and then-- armed with knowledge-- to strike out on a path that stays true to our essence and values. Hiding in a hole doesn't really use our potential. And we are not "owed" special treatment and concessions by others; the only "debt" we are owed is to treat ourselves with kindness that honors the trait.

Avoidance takes many shapes; wears many faces. On the simplest level, we may "wish" for something but say "I'll wait and let someone else do that, rather than take the initiative." It could be something as incredibly simple as avoiding posting an idea to a web discussion group, choosing to "wait for someone else" to do so, instead. More recently, I have had HSP acquaintances comment about my upcoming trip to the annual HSP Gathering in California with words like "I just couldn't do something like that, with a group-- but do let me know how it goes." The underlying fallacy is that the experience of being with a "group" of HSPs "must be" the same as a past negative experience with with a "group" of non-HSPs on a corporate team-building retreat.... because "that's how groups work."

The two, of course, bear little-- if any-- resemblance.

Whereas there may be exceptions, not much change comes out of waiting for someone else to "bring" us the life we want.

If we want change, we must be our own catalysts.

Moving: More Notes From The Road

I am sitting in Eastern Oregon, having travelled 2000 miles across the country.

As I look outside, I see mountains, and the air is cool.

The journey to here has been very long, very exhausting, and very "overstimulating," in that way HSPs tend to experience the world. Moving is basically for the birds; moving yourself across the country even moreso.

And yet, I sense the beginnings of a sort of inner peace spreading through my consciousness.

Change is a funny thing. For many HSPs, change means upheaval and disturbance... and yet, change is also something that that can work as an invitation to pursue something better. Most HSPs I have met don't seem to like change very much. Well, maybe that's not entirely true-- they like the effects of change, once it has happened, but dread the overstimulation that often goes with the actual change process. As a result, they often allow themselves to get stuck in situations-- jobs, relationships, locations-- that don't honor their authentic inner needs. Change becomes "too much of a hassle to deal with," and thus is avoided.

Change does take courage, because it often requires us to abandon old ideas and situations that have become familiar to us. Not because they are "right," merely because they are "familiar." With time, we simply get used to the small irritating rock in our shoe... it would be relatively easy to stop and remove the rock, but instead we choose to walk on, telling ourselves that we have learned how to "deal with" our discomfort.

However, sometimes the only right thing to do is stop, and get the rock out of our shoe.

Moving and Life Changes

Normally, I don't write too much about my personal life on these pages. It wasn't ever really my intention to make this a "personal blog," except to the extent that my own experiences are somehow helpful in an "HSP Context." I do have several other blogs that approach my life from a more "personal" angle-- but that's not my point, here.

I am moving.

Actually, I have been moving for a very long time.

I came to Texas in 1981 to go to college, and have ended up living here for 25 years. "By accident." That may sound absurd, but I really do feel like a quarter-century of my life has passed by as little more than "a coincidence."

Maybe "coincidence" isn't exactly the right word. I think the "coincidental" feeling of my existence here is more the result of never having given serious thought to "place" as part of my personal formula for contentment.

As human beings-- whether we're HSPs, or not-- I think it's something we tend to do. It seems to be popular societal more that "we create happiness wherever we are." There are lots of "experts" and motivational teachers who tell us that we just need to learn how to be "happy with what we have." Whereas I do understand the underlying intent behind this philosphy, I believe it also has a "shadow side." That shadow is that we are at risk of getting lulled into the relative comfort of "not reaching for more."

It's ironic, in a way, how we can be encouraged to "reach for our dreams" and in the same breath be told that those same dreams are "just wishful thinking" based on some false notion that "the grass is greener" somewhere (or somehow) else.

I am moving, because I want "greener pastures." And I have been "moving" for a long time-- more than a decade, to be precise. I am putting together some thoughts about the deeper implications of moving, and what it perhaps means to "move for the right reasons." Hopefully I will find some time, between packing boxes and feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing, to get to the bottom of that idea.