HSPs and Woundology

I have not been paying attention to this blog, and I feel somewhat guilty about it. I suppose-- to some degree-- I have felt a little discouraged, this summer and fall. At first, I thought I just felt "low" as a result of missing the atmosphere from the HSP Gathering in California, but there has been more to it than that. Having spent a few days in California, I have become profoundly aware of just how NON-HSP Texas is, as a place.

But that's not what has brought me back here.

A recent discussion in one of the HSP web groups revolved around HSPs and "playing the victim." That is, turning the HSP trait into something to "hide behind" and use as an "excuse" to not participate in all manners of things.

Actually, I believe what's going on is the more subtle practice of "woundology." Maybe that sounds like a matter of semantics, but there is a difference.

Victimology is a fairly active process, in which there is an element of "woe is me, feel sorry for me, because of how I am." It's not uncommon, and is by no means limited to the world of the highly sensitive.

Woundology is more pervasive. There's usually no "feel sorry for me" aspect involved... merely a pattern of behavior in which "the wounded" chooses to live in such a way that they avoid the majority of life because of their "wound." In the case of HSPs, they avoid being active agents in their own lives, choosing not to do things "because they are sensitive." In their own minds, they are merely "honoring their sensitivity." But are they really? Sometimes, perhaps. But remarkably often, the "wound" is used to mask deeper psychological issues that aren't about sensitivity, at all.

An example might be the person who always says "no" to going out to eat with friends, or going to see a film, citing that she will "become overstimulated and have to leave." The "reason" used is sensitivity... but underneath, we find something else. Perhaps "I'm highly sensitive" is merely a "cover" to avoid looking at what is actually a case of Social Anxiety Disorder. By saying "I'm sensitive," and using the HSP trait as a "shield," the person gains not having to deal with a deeper problem.

It is not always easy to look at our "bag of goods" truthfully.

Sometimes, however, it is essential that we do so.

Connecting Locally: Groups for HSPs

This weekend I have been thinking (again) about the way HSPs feel "disconnected" in the world, and how we often tend to isolate ourselves.

At the HSP Gathering in California, Elaine Aron spoke about the importance of HSPs connecting with other HSPs. During the interactive session after her presentation, a couple of people asked about how to meet other HSPs locally. Elaine pointed out that there's an entire chapter dedicated to HSP Discussion Groups in the back of The Highly Sensitive Person's Workbook, outlining how people might start and maintain their own local groups.

I do have the workbook, and have read this chapter-- 42 pages worth-- and found it a bit overwhelming. The idea of groups appeals to me, but I am also not sure there are enough HSPs around Austin, TX to form a local group. Texas feels like one of the least HSP-aware parts of the US.

I have also been looking at a new web site called "meetup," which seems to work as an intermediary or organizing tool for people who connect online, but want to meet in physical space. They do have a category called "Fans of Elaine Aron and Highly Sensitive Persons" but there are only 92 people listed as "interested," in the entire country. And since the group heading doesn't include the term "HSP," I'm not sure how many will find it. As usual... another great tool if your interest is "I love dogs," not so great if your interest is unusual or esoteric.

But why not online groups, in the meantime? Elaine Aron doesn't really talk much about online discussion, but why not? It seems more suitable to HSPs-- most of whom are introverts, after all. The HSP group on Yahoo has 100's of members, and so does Thomas Eldridge's HSP message board... I've been part of both for several years.

I know I'd personally feel more comfortable getting to "know" people online before meeting them. I experienced it firsthand with HSPs at the California Gathering-- several people from the Yahoo group were there, and it felt like we "knew" each other when we met.

I am thinking about starting up "local" (or "regional") HSP groups on Yahoo. I don't really relish the idea of being an "admin" of any more groups (I have a lot going on... such as trying to make a living) but I don't think anyone else is going to do it.

For now, maybe I will start with a few major cities/regions where there is above average HSP awareness-- perhaps California, the Northeast, Chicago area, Seattle/Vancouver... and see what happens. I'll post links here as I figure out how to do this.

If anybody has any suggestions on how to do this, or are looking for a group in your area, leave a comment or send me an email.

HSP Gathering October 16-19 in Litchfield, CT

The second Annual East Coast HSP Gathering will take place at Wisdom House in Litchfield, CT on October 16-19, 2003.

See Elaine Aron's web site for more information at:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/gather.htm

I can tell you from my personal experiences this past summer that an HSP Gathering is a very empowering and validating event-- and it's not too late to sign up for the coming event! I wish I could go, but unfortunately my finances won't allow it.

A Strange Letdown

It has been more than a month, since I went to the HSP Gathering in California. For quite a while, I felt very excited about having found my "tribe," and about the connections I had made with new friends. I worked hard to create a lot of web pages chronicling what it was like, and I wrote articles and posts on the Internet about the event.

In recent days, I have started to feel rather "flat." Even though I still am exchanging a lot of email with people I met, the volume has slowed way down... and folks who for a moment seemed enthusiastic and outgoing seem to have gone back into hiding.

I realize that it's the feeling of having "had" something, and now I am missing it. I am not entirely sure what to do about that. I have previously met with people I first knew on the Internet, and we became friends in "real life" as well-- but this feels different, somehow. Perhaps it's because the connection and sense of "community" was so intense. And because we all seemed to get along, so well.

As I look back on those four days in June, I am once again amazed at how 30-odd people could spend so much time, so close to each other... and never have an argument or an annoyed moment.

I miss that.

California HSP Gathering Photojournal

As a continuing expansion of the "Inner Reflections" web site, I have created a photo journal of my experiences and impressions from the 2003 West Coast Gathering. It is rather more detailed than my previous entries here, and include my own-- as well as other Gathering participants'-- photos. It can be found at:

http://innerreflections.homestead.com/hsp03ca1.html

It seems that all my "writing bandwidth" since the Gathering has gone into both making the photo journal, as well as into the flood of correspondence between my new friends, and myself.

On top of that, Elaine Aron asked if I'd like to write an article for the "Comfort Zone" magazine, which I was also working on, until recently.

And then, of course, I have been doing some regular "work," in some kind of feeble attempt to pay for all this travelling I have recently been doing. And then, of course, I am trying to save up for the East Coast Gathering, which is the next event on the calendar...

Now that I have six weeks of "distance" between myself and the Gathering, I can definitely say that HSPs are-- in the broadest sense of the word-- "my Tribe." But even so, there are certain "types" within that tribe that I felt more of a connection with... they were the rather "luminous" and especially empathic and intuitive people. "Feelers," more than "thinkers." They had a certain "softness" about them, and I got this sense that they were all in tune with... a sort of "alternate reality" that wasn't visible to the naked eye. And they definitely had their lives "together," rather than feeling like "victims" of their lives.

And I really got a feel for just how important it is for "us" to have friends and connections who are "like us." I simply can't overstate the value of that.

Feeling like an alien in my own family

I recently got an email from my cousin in Denmark. Unlike the majority of my family, she's someone I actually feel connected to, someone I can talk to.

I was an "alien" within my own family. I was born into a very "old"-- and old fashioned-- European family. Things were always done "a certain way," and I grew up in the spectre of the saying "Children should be seen, but not heard." As an introspective and highly sensitive child, I was OK with that.

The thing about my family-- as a group of people-- is that they are all (with the exception of this one cousin) "emotionally constipated." It is like someone has gone in and deactivated the DNA that connects them to the concept of "feeling." I mean, most of them are nice enough, and I suppose they mean well in a very "practical" sort of way. But I was never able to "connect" with any of them-- so although I grew up with a fair number of people in my life, I always felt completely alone. And, to this day, I have never been able to determine how the feeling dissociation in an entire family got to be so complete.

Personality inventories such as Myers-Briggs and the enneagram talk about "feeling" types and "thinking" types, and so forth. In my family, "non-feeling" struck me as more of a lifestyle than a personality trait. People who "felt" were viewed as weak, and occasionally as "hysterical." It was a desert wasteland for me to grow up in.

California HSP Gathering, Afterthought

I have always thought I had a pretty good "grip" on the differences between Introversion and Extraversion. Central to this understanding was the idea that Extraverts have an "external frame of reference," while introverts have an "internal frame of reference."

As a result of going to the Gathering, things have become less clear. For all intents and purposes, I know myself to be an Introvert. Have been, as long as I can remember.

HOWEVER.....

At the Gathering, I found that my frame of reference became almost exclusively "external." I got virtually all my "energy" from the people around me. I actively sought out people, rather than solitude.Of course, I can easily associate this with the fact that I had a feeling of being "included," rather than "excluded," as I am used to. However, that experience raises so questions-- for me, anyway-- about how we define introversion vs. extraversion. To what degree does our environment push us to "falsify" our type? Am I really an HSP-extravert whose history of "negative feedback" from interactions ("The environment") has caused me to seek energy internally? Or does the "safe environment" that made me feel momentarily extraverted actually represent a "false echo," since it is-- really-- not a "real life environment?"

California HSP Gathering recap, Part II

In the morning, I awake early-- and decide to hike to Wildcat Ridge, so as to get an overview of the site. I love California; I love the West Coast-- it's cool in the morning, warm in the afternoon. It's been a long time since I've been there, other than just "passing through," on a road trip. Wildcat Ridge is about a mile, with an 800 foot elevation gain-- on the way, I meet deer, jackrabbits, quail, and any number of birds on the way up. As well as the herd of cows that go with the ranch. It is incredibly peaceful at the top-- although it is only 6:30, I see someone else has also made the trek up. The view is great; I take pictures.

And so it begins, in earnest, on Friday morning. People start to feel that it really IS safe to be "authentically themselves" and they open up. And Jacquelyn is right-- we slowly become "extraverts" of a sort. I really thought I had a "thick shell" against the world. And I thought others would, too. Instead I find that we are incredibly "in touch" with ourselves-- in a matter of less than a day, all the "shields" we put up to protect us against the world are down.

A bunch of different words come to mind, but they seem hopelessly inadequate. In shamanic practice, altered states are often referred to as "non-ordinary reality"-- and that's close to how I would characterize what I experienced, except the physical body I inhabit in "ordinary reality" actually went along. I visited a "place" I had really only thought about in "conceptual" terms.

I am in a bit of a "thought daze," still running the internal "films" from those four days. I really have nothing but good to say about it-- except that it was over too soon. As for descriptors, I like the sound of "resonance." And "reciprocity." And kinship and fellowship. Acceptance. Safety. Openness. Non-judgmental. As one participant tearfully said, during the closing moments: "I have spent a lifetime giving, giving, giving-- and for the first time ever, it was reciprocated back to me." I feel a mixture of awe, joy and sadness... sadness, at the fact that I got to live 42 years before having the opportunity to experience true "connectedness" in a completely supportive and safe group setting; awe and joy at the fact that it actually did happen. Not just I, but so many of the other participants shared that same feeling, by their words and their reactions.

It was like we found "our tribe," in a world where we might have otherwise felt destined to walk all alone, and misunderstood. It was amazing to be in a group where nearly everyone "got" nearly everyone else. I expect we each took something different away from there-- having already known about being an HSP for some years, I mostly went for the purpose of finding fellowship-- and I came away with 20+ new friends. Contrast this with the fact that I am someone who might make one new friend, in a year. I have been to many seminars and retreats, but never... never... have I experienced 30+ people spending four days together without a raised voice, without power struggles, without regularly hurt feelings, without arguments and otherwise nothing but kindness and compassion. Instead of feeling "odd" and "alienated," we felt ourselves reflected back in the faces of everyone around us-- and so, the "shields" we all have grown so accustomed to wearing, as protection against our surroundings, just melted away... and underneath, a group of profoundly powerful and compassionate human beings emerged; the very best of our human species.

And for the first time in my life, I have sat with a group of men in a room where there was no "ranking," no "one-up and one-down" (I feel like I have gained a year's allotment of buzzwords!) and no male posturing-- just the honest cores of the men who were there, talking about the truths and essences of their lives. That one brings tears to my eyes. As does the overall fellowship I found-- as I said, I went to "find" the people, not to "be at a seminar," and that is precisely what I found. During the closing remarks, it was as if we all realized the enormous impact and implication of what we had just been a part of-- and emotions freely came to the surface and were released... and to all those who have been told they were "too sensitive" on account of choking up during "goodbyes," here they found only acceptance. It was all OK. And even the most timid and introverted of HSPs found the "safety" to become an active participant. "WE" are all "OK."

Elaine came and spoke on Saturday, to an extended crowd that included a number of "weekend-only commuters." I spoke to her only very briefly, although I contributed a bit to a discussion on "attachment styles." She struck me as intensely private, intensely introverted, and intensely intellectual. She was almost like a shadow that suddenly showed up, was their, and then vanished again.

All I can say is that I highly recommend going to a Gathering, if you ever get the chance.