Registration for the 2006 Annual California HSP Gathering & Retreat has now begun! The Gathering will take place on June 14th-18th, at Walker Creek Ranch in Marin County, north of San Francisco, CA.
As in previous years, Elaine Aron will give the keynote presentation; this year the topic will be:
"What's special about the HSP's brain and body-- scientific facts and theories."
In addition, there will be a number of other workshops offered, relating to various aspects of living as an HSP. However, as much as the Gatherings are an opportunity to learn, they are also an opportunity to meet and get to know other HSPs. The workshops are optional, allowing participants to "set their own pace," and there will be plenty of time to just relax in a supportive and validating environment.
Walker Creek Ranch has been the venue for several previous Gatherings, and is an HSP-friendly conference and educational facility located on 1700 fenced acres near Tomales Bay, with miles of hiking trails and opportunities to be outside in quiet natural surroundings.
If you have concerns about being an HSP and participating in a "group" event, or are merely curious about what it's like to be at a Gathering, please visit my online photojournal from the 2003 California Gathering, which also took place at Walker Creek Ranch. It will give you a good feel for both the location, as well as the "atmosphere" of an HSP Gathering.
The sooner you register the better! The conference fee is $225 until April 15th, $250 from April 16th to May 15th, and $275 thereafter. After June 1st, registration will be strictly on a "space-available" basis.
A variety of accomodations are available, ranging from "dormitory style" housing to private rooms. This year, for the first time, there will also be a "camping option," allowing you to bring your tent and sleeping bag, while having access to the central bathhouse and dining hall (11 meals, 4 nights).
For more HSP Gathering information, please visit Jacquelyn Strickland's web site. You can download a registration form online (requires Adobe Acrobat Reader), and payment can either be mailed in, or made through PayPal, a secure online payment facility that accepts "virtual checks" and credit cards. Here's a link to information about making secure online payment.
As a participant at several past HSP Gatherings, I highly recommend the experience. And yes, I am an introvert, and yes, I was very apprehensive about going to a "group thing," the first time I went. However, I fairly quickly learned that a group of HSPs is not at all like "a group," much the way our community here isn't like most other online communities.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Why is the HSP trait not better known?
I was recently asked this question, but someone who evidently thought I would know the answer, as a result of almost 10 years of "HSP awareness." The person was feeling a bit down, thinking that "nobody thinks HSPs are important," and expressed a wish that someone would get on Oprah and talk about it. I got to thinking a bit about this assertion, a couple of days ago.
On the most superficial of levels, Elaine Aron did us all a huge favor by taking this thing called "sensitivity" and removing it from the realm of "pathologies" and into the realm of a "neutral inborn trait." Personally, I am happy there is nothing "wrong" with me, and all I have to know is how to manage a trait that's sometimes a bit challenging. I can deal with that.
There's a downside to the HSP trait being classified as such, which is that because it is a "neutral trait" and NOT a "disease" or "pathology," it doesn't get the same attention a mental disorder might. Sure, we have certain "special needs," but so do people who are 6'6" tall. And they don't get a show on Oprah, either.
That's the "flip" and "easy" answer.
The term "HSP" has been around for only about a decade. Although there was research done on "hypersensitivities" and "hyperexcitabilities" in gifted individuals in the 70's (Kazimiercz Dabrowski, et.al) Elaine Aron was really the first to say "this is a natural trait, not a dysfunction." It takes a lot longer than ten years for something to gain mainstream recognition. It also takes independent research by a number of experts to confirm the original findings. The latter is currently happening both in Germany and in the Netherlands.
The good news is that awareness IS spreading. An increasing number of therapists have Elaine Aron's books on their shelves. Many people in the healing/helping professions not only know about the trait, they ARE HSPs. If you google "Highly Sensitive Person" you get over 100,000 hits. Just three years ago it was fewer than 10,000. There are counselors and life coaches who ONLY work with HSPs. There are dozens of HSP groups on the web, HSP web rings, support groups and blog rings. The annual HSP Gatherings, which started as an "experiment" in 2001, have grown to where there will now be Gatherings in four different locations this year, including the UK and Canada. When I learned about being an HSP, I found one online group with fewer than 30 members.
We are, in a sense, still the "pioneers" of this trait-- I suspect that 100 years from now the term "HSP" will raise no more eyebows than "left handed" does, today.
All we can really do be to be "good ambassadors" for what we are. And how we are. Tell those we meet who seem like they might be HSPs about the trait. Be "involved," rather than sit as passive observers. A couple of years ago, I was at a workshop on the enneagram and somehow "sensitivity" came up (not in an "HSP" context) and after mentioning the HSP book, it turned out that 6 of 30-odd people in the class had either read the book, or heard about the trait. I have three copies of the first book (because I lend it out a lot) and they were lent out and examined by a dozen people at the workshop, in the course of a week. In a receptive environment, people are grateful to have answers.
I think some HSPs get frustrated, and start directing their energies in a negative direction. Their focus becomes on getting respect and "special treatment" from a world they see as not supportive. Frankly, I think that energy could be better used to tell people who are HSPs, but don't know it as "a trait" that they are really not "nuts."
Maybe the day will come when we are on Oprah-- but in my opinion, being on Oprah would have to be all about pointing out the benefits and strengths of being an HSP, rather than reqesting "special treatment" from the world because we're sensitive. Wearing a mantle of "victimhood" will get us nowhere. And without greater awareness among those who are HSPs, but don't know it yet, we probably won't be on Oprah. The supporting numbers are simply too small. And whether Elaine would go on Oprah, if invited, I don't even know.
Thus, until that day comes, perhaps the best we can do may be to simply accept ourselves and set a good example.
On the most superficial of levels, Elaine Aron did us all a huge favor by taking this thing called "sensitivity" and removing it from the realm of "pathologies" and into the realm of a "neutral inborn trait." Personally, I am happy there is nothing "wrong" with me, and all I have to know is how to manage a trait that's sometimes a bit challenging. I can deal with that.
There's a downside to the HSP trait being classified as such, which is that because it is a "neutral trait" and NOT a "disease" or "pathology," it doesn't get the same attention a mental disorder might. Sure, we have certain "special needs," but so do people who are 6'6" tall. And they don't get a show on Oprah, either.
That's the "flip" and "easy" answer.
The term "HSP" has been around for only about a decade. Although there was research done on "hypersensitivities" and "hyperexcitabilities" in gifted individuals in the 70's (Kazimiercz Dabrowski, et.al) Elaine Aron was really the first to say "this is a natural trait, not a dysfunction." It takes a lot longer than ten years for something to gain mainstream recognition. It also takes independent research by a number of experts to confirm the original findings. The latter is currently happening both in Germany and in the Netherlands.
The good news is that awareness IS spreading. An increasing number of therapists have Elaine Aron's books on their shelves. Many people in the healing/helping professions not only know about the trait, they ARE HSPs. If you google "Highly Sensitive Person" you get over 100,000 hits. Just three years ago it was fewer than 10,000. There are counselors and life coaches who ONLY work with HSPs. There are dozens of HSP groups on the web, HSP web rings, support groups and blog rings. The annual HSP Gatherings, which started as an "experiment" in 2001, have grown to where there will now be Gatherings in four different locations this year, including the UK and Canada. When I learned about being an HSP, I found one online group with fewer than 30 members.
We are, in a sense, still the "pioneers" of this trait-- I suspect that 100 years from now the term "HSP" will raise no more eyebows than "left handed" does, today.
All we can really do be to be "good ambassadors" for what we are. And how we are. Tell those we meet who seem like they might be HSPs about the trait. Be "involved," rather than sit as passive observers. A couple of years ago, I was at a workshop on the enneagram and somehow "sensitivity" came up (not in an "HSP" context) and after mentioning the HSP book, it turned out that 6 of 30-odd people in the class had either read the book, or heard about the trait. I have three copies of the first book (because I lend it out a lot) and they were lent out and examined by a dozen people at the workshop, in the course of a week. In a receptive environment, people are grateful to have answers.
I think some HSPs get frustrated, and start directing their energies in a negative direction. Their focus becomes on getting respect and "special treatment" from a world they see as not supportive. Frankly, I think that energy could be better used to tell people who are HSPs, but don't know it as "a trait" that they are really not "nuts."
Maybe the day will come when we are on Oprah-- but in my opinion, being on Oprah would have to be all about pointing out the benefits and strengths of being an HSP, rather than reqesting "special treatment" from the world because we're sensitive. Wearing a mantle of "victimhood" will get us nowhere. And without greater awareness among those who are HSPs, but don't know it yet, we probably won't be on Oprah. The supporting numbers are simply too small. And whether Elaine would go on Oprah, if invited, I don't even know.
Thus, until that day comes, perhaps the best we can do may be to simply accept ourselves and set a good example.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The Giving Nature of HSPs
I believe many HSPs tend to have very giving and nurturing natures. This can be somewhat of a mixed blessing, as many HSPs I have met talk about the way they often end up "feeling used" by others. Personally, I like my giving nature, and I also like being around other HSPs for that exact same reason.
At the same time, I have also struggled considerably with the issues of "healthy boundaries" and "co-dependency." In the decade or so I have spent being "aware" of the HSP trait, I've noticed that these two issues are not uncommon among HSPs.
For me, the learning process has been one of understanding the difference between giving as "right action" (you simply help and give because it's what you want to do) and giving as a "transaction" (a sort of unhealthy "giving to get" dynamic), where you're expecting something back, as a result of what you have done. I've found that when I slip into attaching "expectations" to something I give, I invariably end up disappointed.
I used to give a lot to be "validated" as a "nice person;" here the "purpose" of my giving was clearly a desire to be "liked" and "accepted." I also used to give a lot because I was raised in an enviroment where "getting love" was contingent on what I could DO for people... I experienced no acceptance for "simply BE-ing me." Thus "giving" equated to receiving some form of "pseudo-love."
Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. But there'a also nothing wrong with being "selective" about what we give, and to whom. I've found a certain measure of inner peace as a result of "investing" my generosity in those who are genuinely appreciative of it, rather than people who are just looking for a (metaphorical) "free lunch."
Of course, it's not always easy to tell the difference, up front.... but I know I am never "obligated" to keep pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in it..... Ultimately, I have to ask myself how the relationship "feels." If the connection with another-- which could be a friend, colleague, lover, family member-- most leaves me feeling drained or exhausted, then an imbalance exists. I think of it as "1+1" adding up the less than 2. On the other hand, if I am giving, and I continue to feel energized and enriched, then a sort of "synergy" exists between me and the other person, in which "1+1" adds up to more than 2.
At the same time, I have also struggled considerably with the issues of "healthy boundaries" and "co-dependency." In the decade or so I have spent being "aware" of the HSP trait, I've noticed that these two issues are not uncommon among HSPs.
For me, the learning process has been one of understanding the difference between giving as "right action" (you simply help and give because it's what you want to do) and giving as a "transaction" (a sort of unhealthy "giving to get" dynamic), where you're expecting something back, as a result of what you have done. I've found that when I slip into attaching "expectations" to something I give, I invariably end up disappointed.
I used to give a lot to be "validated" as a "nice person;" here the "purpose" of my giving was clearly a desire to be "liked" and "accepted." I also used to give a lot because I was raised in an enviroment where "getting love" was contingent on what I could DO for people... I experienced no acceptance for "simply BE-ing me." Thus "giving" equated to receiving some form of "pseudo-love."
Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. But there'a also nothing wrong with being "selective" about what we give, and to whom. I've found a certain measure of inner peace as a result of "investing" my generosity in those who are genuinely appreciative of it, rather than people who are just looking for a (metaphorical) "free lunch."
Of course, it's not always easy to tell the difference, up front.... but I know I am never "obligated" to keep pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in it..... Ultimately, I have to ask myself how the relationship "feels." If the connection with another-- which could be a friend, colleague, lover, family member-- most leaves me feeling drained or exhausted, then an imbalance exists. I think of it as "1+1" adding up the less than 2. On the other hand, if I am giving, and I continue to feel energized and enriched, then a sort of "synergy" exists between me and the other person, in which "1+1" adds up to more than 2.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
HSP Topics: Love, dating and finding "The One"
In my near-decade of knowing about the HSP trait, and HSPs, the issue of "love and mating" appears to be one that causes an especially large number of headaches and heartaches for Highly Sensitive People.
On the surface, this is perhaps not so surprising. Looking at it logically, HSPs tend to struggle immensely with feeling "accepted" in the world, and they often struggle with self-acceptance, as well. Hence it doesn't take a degree in rocket science to figure out that these difficulties would readily transfer to the process of "finding love," as well.
Elaine Aron and other "experts" on the HSP trait speculate that many HSPs tend to "fall into" relationships. There can be a variety of reasons for this, ranging from simply accepting a connection that feels "somewhat good" (because it feels so much "better" than what we're used to), to getting "pushed" into a relationship with someone who moves "quickly," while we HSPs like to take time to process and deliberate, before making a decision.
In one of the online HSP discussion groups, the issue of dating and mating recently seemed to approach "boiling point" when someone posted an article about a woman who was previously very selective, but made a conscious decision to say "yes" to every single man who asked her on a date. In the final outcome, she dated some 150 people, but did end up finding "The One," as a result of her change in approach.
Now, whether you subscribe to such a notion as a love relationship with a person who's "The One," or not, is an individual matter that's not for me to decide. I happen to be a hopeless idealist who does believe in such a thing, but that's neither here nor there. I think the general ideas here can be applied to pretty much any situation.
As I read the many opinions offered by dozens of HSPs, I started to think about some issues I have observed as "obstacles," both for myself and for others. I'd thought about these before, but only in a "separate" sort of way. Now I suddenly realized how interrelated they all were.
Many HSPs tend to fall into a (frequently unhealthy) pattern of "waiting for life to come TO them." For whatever reasons-- but often the desire to avoid pain-- we gravitate towards taking a rather "passive" role; in life, and in love as well. Hence the "falling into" relationships. After all, if you're going to "take" whatever life brings you, you'd better be prepared to accept "whatever" life throws your way. Even if it turns out to be rather less than we had hoped for.
Some years ago, a friend told me something she'd learned during a discussion at a self-growth workshop. Over lunch, they were talking about self-actualization, and finding peace, and finding Self. Somehow, the discussion turned to "partnering," and one of the Teachers pointed out something I found to be particularly insightful and relevant:
The more "aware" and self-actualized a person becomes, the fewer truly compatible potential partners exist-- that is, people who can "meet you" at the same level of awareness and mental health. Beyond that, the more "special" your set of "life traits" (for example, being an HSP, or being 6'9" tall, or in the top 1% of being "gifted") the more "specialized" your desired partner's traits becomes. And the more specialized the partner who finds your particular basket of traits attractive. In other words, your potential "pool" of mates goes from maybe 1-in-25 to 1-in-1000, or worse. Those are just arbitrary numbers, by the way, used for example's sake. But my point is, "extraordinary" people more often seem like they have "settled" in their relationships.
"Extraordinary" may seem like an uncommonly arrogant and self-important term for an HSP to use. But I don't mean it in a self-congratulatory or inflated way. After all, who benefits when someone with "uncommon" traits pretends to be "common?"
At a completely different workshop I went to, some years back, a different conversation about "mating" took place. Again it related to the process of healthy self-love, and "finding self," with the eventual point made that the "brighter your light," the more (generally unhealthy) people will be attracted to it, in order to feel illuminated by it. The less "healthy" a person is, the more likely they are to gravitate towards someone who has the characteristics they perceive to be lacking in themselves.
The "consequence," of course, being that self-aware people tend to get far greater exposure to others who want to be "with" them, and those others often have dubious qualities and questionable mental health. So now you may be asking "What does this have to do with being an HSP?" HSPs, being generally introspective and interested in self-development tend to be fairly self-aware people. This can set up an interesting (and very challenging) dynamic in which we are often "attractors" for those who have a load of "psychic baggage," but our kind natures and discomfort around rejection "pushes" us into situations that are not healthy for us.
Getting back to the woman who dated 150 men, I am not suggesting that this is necessarily an appropriate strategy for HSPs. What I am suggesting is that HSPs may have a more difficult time finding someone they "click" and, as such, we really need to be more willing to give ourselves "lots of exposure." Which may feel scary to most, since we tend to be rather private and reclusive people. I suppose the "bottom line" here, is that if you're looking for someone who's "one-in-a-million," you also have to be willing to take the steps and action to (potentially) expose yourself to a million people.
Then I realized that for any of this to "make sense," we have to start with self-love and self-acceptance. Several years ago, Elaine Aron gave a talk entitled "Healing ourselves so we can heal the world." The phrase has stuck with me, in the sense of how important it is that we look to ourselves first, to come to terms with what we want in life. Nobody is going to "ride in on a fine white charger" to rescue us from ourselves and solve our problems for us, especially our love problems.
Which brings me up to the present time, and to this morning, as I was reading a huge backlog of HSP group emails.
In reading the many words, I suddenly "touched" self-love. What I mean is, I felt it, rather than just being able to intellectually describe it. Self-love in its purest form, I realized, is what happens when you openly allow yourself to be "100% yourself," with yourself, and with another. It's not about looking in the mirror and repeating the mantra "I love myself," 100 times every morning. It's about simply accepting What Is; and if you find something you don't like, simply accepting it, saying "this doesn't feel right," and then taking a step towards something you do like.
And those "amazing" relationships we sometimes see, and wish we had.... I think they tend to be the product of two people-- in a state of self-love-- occupying the same space, while their states of being "100% themselves" happen to be exactly what "feels right" to the other.
Now, I can already hear the "Peanut Gallery" going; the words of "Yeah, like that's gonna happen!" raining down from the balcony. To which I reply "Certainly not if you're leaving your life up to random chance! And certainly not if you don't believe it is possible!"
I suppose it's not merely an issue for HSPs, but I believe we have to truly "know ourselves" before we can hope to know what it is we want in another. And the self-love I mentioned before, is largely a product of knowing ourselves, because until we truly know what "ourselves" means, we can't be ourselves. Alas, it's a step we often "conveniently" overlook, as we set forth in the world with great hopes that "the right person" will make our lives whole and perfect. Whereas I believe there may be a half-truth there, I also don't believe that perfection with another can exist till we have created it (to whatever degree possible) in ourselves.
Here's something I personally believe to be true. Regardless of whether you're looking for romance, work or happiness, everything you put out in the world is a "beacon" containing information about you. What you say, what you write, where you write it, what you wear, where you go. They work like a "universal energy signature," and others in the world "interact" with them, much as we might "interact" with the produce at the grocery store. Some we like, some we don't some we feel indifferent towards. In "combination" some might be horrible, and some might be nigh onto perfect. If you have few beacons, few people will find you. If you "edit" your beacons, you will send a false image, and draw people to something that isn't true. If you put your beacons in the "wrong" places, you will draw the wrong people. If your beacons are "non-specific," you will draw "no-one in particular."
Hence the importance of putting out the energy that we truly want to "represent" us. Which is only possible through knowing who we truly are, and accepting that "100% me."
One final observation concerns the issue of "adaptability." HSPs tend to be extremely "pliable," and almost "chameleon-like," often to our detriment. Because we often have histories of being thought of as "oddballs" and "a bit strange," many of us grow "adept at adapting," and becoming whatever it is that's needed in a given moment, in order for us to fit in. Maybe that's allright in small doses and to accomplish specific short-term objectives in the world. However, in partnering it has serious consequences, when we choose to "make ourselves compatible" with people with whom we are definitely not compatible. I know broader pop-psychology teaches that compromise is an important part of relationships. But, in my opinion, that can only be "healthily" applied to such things as "which movie we're watching," or "where we'll vacation this summer." It was never meant to mean compromising our core values and basic sense of self.
I once heard someone describe the "measure" of love this way: "Ask yourself, do I love myself more, when I am around this person?" Genuinely, on a deep core level. If you cannot authentically answer "yes," move along to the next person.
Of course, these are just my opinions. That doesn't mean they are "right" for anyone else....
On the surface, this is perhaps not so surprising. Looking at it logically, HSPs tend to struggle immensely with feeling "accepted" in the world, and they often struggle with self-acceptance, as well. Hence it doesn't take a degree in rocket science to figure out that these difficulties would readily transfer to the process of "finding love," as well.
Elaine Aron and other "experts" on the HSP trait speculate that many HSPs tend to "fall into" relationships. There can be a variety of reasons for this, ranging from simply accepting a connection that feels "somewhat good" (because it feels so much "better" than what we're used to), to getting "pushed" into a relationship with someone who moves "quickly," while we HSPs like to take time to process and deliberate, before making a decision.
In one of the online HSP discussion groups, the issue of dating and mating recently seemed to approach "boiling point" when someone posted an article about a woman who was previously very selective, but made a conscious decision to say "yes" to every single man who asked her on a date. In the final outcome, she dated some 150 people, but did end up finding "The One," as a result of her change in approach.
Now, whether you subscribe to such a notion as a love relationship with a person who's "The One," or not, is an individual matter that's not for me to decide. I happen to be a hopeless idealist who does believe in such a thing, but that's neither here nor there. I think the general ideas here can be applied to pretty much any situation.
As I read the many opinions offered by dozens of HSPs, I started to think about some issues I have observed as "obstacles," both for myself and for others. I'd thought about these before, but only in a "separate" sort of way. Now I suddenly realized how interrelated they all were.
Many HSPs tend to fall into a (frequently unhealthy) pattern of "waiting for life to come TO them." For whatever reasons-- but often the desire to avoid pain-- we gravitate towards taking a rather "passive" role; in life, and in love as well. Hence the "falling into" relationships. After all, if you're going to "take" whatever life brings you, you'd better be prepared to accept "whatever" life throws your way. Even if it turns out to be rather less than we had hoped for.
Some years ago, a friend told me something she'd learned during a discussion at a self-growth workshop. Over lunch, they were talking about self-actualization, and finding peace, and finding Self. Somehow, the discussion turned to "partnering," and one of the Teachers pointed out something I found to be particularly insightful and relevant:
The more "aware" and self-actualized a person becomes, the fewer truly compatible potential partners exist-- that is, people who can "meet you" at the same level of awareness and mental health. Beyond that, the more "special" your set of "life traits" (for example, being an HSP, or being 6'9" tall, or in the top 1% of being "gifted") the more "specialized" your desired partner's traits becomes. And the more specialized the partner who finds your particular basket of traits attractive. In other words, your potential "pool" of mates goes from maybe 1-in-25 to 1-in-1000, or worse. Those are just arbitrary numbers, by the way, used for example's sake. But my point is, "extraordinary" people more often seem like they have "settled" in their relationships.
"Extraordinary" may seem like an uncommonly arrogant and self-important term for an HSP to use. But I don't mean it in a self-congratulatory or inflated way. After all, who benefits when someone with "uncommon" traits pretends to be "common?"
At a completely different workshop I went to, some years back, a different conversation about "mating" took place. Again it related to the process of healthy self-love, and "finding self," with the eventual point made that the "brighter your light," the more (generally unhealthy) people will be attracted to it, in order to feel illuminated by it. The less "healthy" a person is, the more likely they are to gravitate towards someone who has the characteristics they perceive to be lacking in themselves.
The "consequence," of course, being that self-aware people tend to get far greater exposure to others who want to be "with" them, and those others often have dubious qualities and questionable mental health. So now you may be asking "What does this have to do with being an HSP?" HSPs, being generally introspective and interested in self-development tend to be fairly self-aware people. This can set up an interesting (and very challenging) dynamic in which we are often "attractors" for those who have a load of "psychic baggage," but our kind natures and discomfort around rejection "pushes" us into situations that are not healthy for us.
Getting back to the woman who dated 150 men, I am not suggesting that this is necessarily an appropriate strategy for HSPs. What I am suggesting is that HSPs may have a more difficult time finding someone they "click" and, as such, we really need to be more willing to give ourselves "lots of exposure." Which may feel scary to most, since we tend to be rather private and reclusive people. I suppose the "bottom line" here, is that if you're looking for someone who's "one-in-a-million," you also have to be willing to take the steps and action to (potentially) expose yourself to a million people.
Then I realized that for any of this to "make sense," we have to start with self-love and self-acceptance. Several years ago, Elaine Aron gave a talk entitled "Healing ourselves so we can heal the world." The phrase has stuck with me, in the sense of how important it is that we look to ourselves first, to come to terms with what we want in life. Nobody is going to "ride in on a fine white charger" to rescue us from ourselves and solve our problems for us, especially our love problems.
Which brings me up to the present time, and to this morning, as I was reading a huge backlog of HSP group emails.
In reading the many words, I suddenly "touched" self-love. What I mean is, I felt it, rather than just being able to intellectually describe it. Self-love in its purest form, I realized, is what happens when you openly allow yourself to be "100% yourself," with yourself, and with another. It's not about looking in the mirror and repeating the mantra "I love myself," 100 times every morning. It's about simply accepting What Is; and if you find something you don't like, simply accepting it, saying "this doesn't feel right," and then taking a step towards something you do like.
And those "amazing" relationships we sometimes see, and wish we had.... I think they tend to be the product of two people-- in a state of self-love-- occupying the same space, while their states of being "100% themselves" happen to be exactly what "feels right" to the other.
Now, I can already hear the "Peanut Gallery" going; the words of "Yeah, like that's gonna happen!" raining down from the balcony. To which I reply "Certainly not if you're leaving your life up to random chance! And certainly not if you don't believe it is possible!"
I suppose it's not merely an issue for HSPs, but I believe we have to truly "know ourselves" before we can hope to know what it is we want in another. And the self-love I mentioned before, is largely a product of knowing ourselves, because until we truly know what "ourselves" means, we can't be ourselves. Alas, it's a step we often "conveniently" overlook, as we set forth in the world with great hopes that "the right person" will make our lives whole and perfect. Whereas I believe there may be a half-truth there, I also don't believe that perfection with another can exist till we have created it (to whatever degree possible) in ourselves.
Here's something I personally believe to be true. Regardless of whether you're looking for romance, work or happiness, everything you put out in the world is a "beacon" containing information about you. What you say, what you write, where you write it, what you wear, where you go. They work like a "universal energy signature," and others in the world "interact" with them, much as we might "interact" with the produce at the grocery store. Some we like, some we don't some we feel indifferent towards. In "combination" some might be horrible, and some might be nigh onto perfect. If you have few beacons, few people will find you. If you "edit" your beacons, you will send a false image, and draw people to something that isn't true. If you put your beacons in the "wrong" places, you will draw the wrong people. If your beacons are "non-specific," you will draw "no-one in particular."
Hence the importance of putting out the energy that we truly want to "represent" us. Which is only possible through knowing who we truly are, and accepting that "100% me."
One final observation concerns the issue of "adaptability." HSPs tend to be extremely "pliable," and almost "chameleon-like," often to our detriment. Because we often have histories of being thought of as "oddballs" and "a bit strange," many of us grow "adept at adapting," and becoming whatever it is that's needed in a given moment, in order for us to fit in. Maybe that's allright in small doses and to accomplish specific short-term objectives in the world. However, in partnering it has serious consequences, when we choose to "make ourselves compatible" with people with whom we are definitely not compatible. I know broader pop-psychology teaches that compromise is an important part of relationships. But, in my opinion, that can only be "healthily" applied to such things as "which movie we're watching," or "where we'll vacation this summer." It was never meant to mean compromising our core values and basic sense of self.
I once heard someone describe the "measure" of love this way: "Ask yourself, do I love myself more, when I am around this person?" Genuinely, on a deep core level. If you cannot authentically answer "yes," move along to the next person.
Of course, these are just my opinions. That doesn't mean they are "right" for anyone else....
Friday, January 27, 2006
HSPs and Being a "Passenger" in your own life
I'll be the first to admit that the world can be a "grating" sort of place, and much of the time, I'd prefer to just stay at home with my books and my cats, over being "out there" in a big way.
However, when does liking "quiet time" turn from something we enjoy, and which helps us stay balanced and sane... into a form of "unhealthy isolation?" I have seen this, quite a bit, in an alarmingly large proportion of the many many HSPs I have met, over the past 8-10 years.
Along with that, I've observed another somewhat disturbing "habit" or trend. Most HSPs want to be participants in life, and what it has to offer. They even have a clear sense of what that participation entails. But that's pretty much where things end; participation remains a wish or dream, but never a reality.
As an example, I have met many who recognized their desire to be part of a local discussion/support group. Some even living in a city where a group had already formed. Yet, in spite of the desire to meet other HSPs, these people were almost completely unwilling to make the effort to become part of the group. It almost felt to me as if they expected the group leader to magically show up on their doorstep with an invitation. And then to come and personally pick them up, and drive them home again, on the days of meetings.
Which begs the question: "How can we honestly expect our lives to change for the better, if we're not willing to put in the effort to change our lives for the better?"
I guess the point I am trying to make, here, is that if you're waiting for the things you want in life to "just show up," you're allowing yourself to be little more than a "passenger" in your own life, rather than a participant. And, as a passenger-- I'm sad to tell you-- you don't get to have much say in where you end up. In a sense, most of those people who feel "victimized" by their life circumstances can also look within and notice how often they have often been "passengers."
I wonder how this plays out in your life? Do you recognize the places where you are limiting your experiences through expectations that whatever it is you want "should" not require effort and input from you? Do you recognize the places where you have "wished for" something, but never taken steps towards that something?
For me, it has been a matter of learning to stay alert to the gap between "wanting" and "having" something. Don't get me wrong, however. "Wanting" is fine, if you're happy with that, but "having" almost always requires effort, intent and an investment of emotional energy.
However, when does liking "quiet time" turn from something we enjoy, and which helps us stay balanced and sane... into a form of "unhealthy isolation?" I have seen this, quite a bit, in an alarmingly large proportion of the many many HSPs I have met, over the past 8-10 years.
Along with that, I've observed another somewhat disturbing "habit" or trend. Most HSPs want to be participants in life, and what it has to offer. They even have a clear sense of what that participation entails. But that's pretty much where things end; participation remains a wish or dream, but never a reality.
As an example, I have met many who recognized their desire to be part of a local discussion/support group. Some even living in a city where a group had already formed. Yet, in spite of the desire to meet other HSPs, these people were almost completely unwilling to make the effort to become part of the group. It almost felt to me as if they expected the group leader to magically show up on their doorstep with an invitation. And then to come and personally pick them up, and drive them home again, on the days of meetings.
Which begs the question: "How can we honestly expect our lives to change for the better, if we're not willing to put in the effort to change our lives for the better?"
I guess the point I am trying to make, here, is that if you're waiting for the things you want in life to "just show up," you're allowing yourself to be little more than a "passenger" in your own life, rather than a participant. And, as a passenger-- I'm sad to tell you-- you don't get to have much say in where you end up. In a sense, most of those people who feel "victimized" by their life circumstances can also look within and notice how often they have often been "passengers."
I wonder how this plays out in your life? Do you recognize the places where you are limiting your experiences through expectations that whatever it is you want "should" not require effort and input from you? Do you recognize the places where you have "wished for" something, but never taken steps towards that something?
For me, it has been a matter of learning to stay alert to the gap between "wanting" and "having" something. Don't get me wrong, however. "Wanting" is fine, if you're happy with that, but "having" almost always requires effort, intent and an investment of emotional energy.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
"Afterbirth?"
Sometimes things just don't quite turn out as simply as I'd hope.
All old entries from this blog's former life have now been "recovered" and "republished" so the archive links actually work. It was more work than I had expected. The "links" sections (at right) have also been updated and "dead" links killed.
In the process of this update, all comments under the "old" format were lost. When I started this blog, commenting wasn't part of the blogging interface-- we had to "import and install" a commenting utility from a third-party provider. Evidently, those comments didn't "translate" to the current format. Not as if there were ever more than a couple of comments per post... but still.
Anyway, if it's your first visit here, welcome! If you are here, reading these words, odds are you clicked on a link in my HSPBook signature line, or perhaps my aimoo HSP forum signature line, or maybe from a link at "Inner Reflections" or "HSP Connections." In any case, thanks for visiting!
If you have the time and inclination, there's some reasonably good "HSP life" info buried in the archives.
And I'd appreciate you leaving a comment to say hi, just so I know you've been here!
All old entries from this blog's former life have now been "recovered" and "republished" so the archive links actually work. It was more work than I had expected. The "links" sections (at right) have also been updated and "dead" links killed.
In the process of this update, all comments under the "old" format were lost. When I started this blog, commenting wasn't part of the blogging interface-- we had to "import and install" a commenting utility from a third-party provider. Evidently, those comments didn't "translate" to the current format. Not as if there were ever more than a couple of comments per post... but still.
Anyway, if it's your first visit here, welcome! If you are here, reading these words, odds are you clicked on a link in my HSPBook signature line, or perhaps my aimoo HSP forum signature line, or maybe from a link at "Inner Reflections" or "HSP Connections." In any case, thanks for visiting!
If you have the time and inclination, there's some reasonably good "HSP life" info buried in the archives.
And I'd appreciate you leaving a comment to say hi, just so I know you've been here!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Rebirth
I have decided to revive this old blog, which I somewhat abandoned when I started the "Inner Reflections" blog on a different site. "Something" in my soul told me I needed to, and that it was time. I suppose, in part, because I have remained fairly involved in the HSP Community, and it would seem like a nice extension of the "HSP Connections" web site and resource guide.
Unfortunately, this is turning out to be more work than I had expected. I was using a very old template-- heavily customized-- from the early days of "blogger," and when I went to edit it the source code was no longer accessible. So I chose this nifty new template. Only... there was a problem. The problem was that every single old entry could no longer be seen... I could see them all from within the post editor, but from "public view" all that could be seen was a series of "404-Not Found" messages.
As a result of this, I have to open every post with the editor and save it again... which evidently "republishes" it with a valid URL, instead of the old one that leads nowhere. Remind me not to overcustomize this template....
Unfortunately, this is turning out to be more work than I had expected. I was using a very old template-- heavily customized-- from the early days of "blogger," and when I went to edit it the source code was no longer accessible. So I chose this nifty new template. Only... there was a problem. The problem was that every single old entry could no longer be seen... I could see them all from within the post editor, but from "public view" all that could be seen was a series of "404-Not Found" messages.
As a result of this, I have to open every post with the editor and save it again... which evidently "republishes" it with a valid URL, instead of the old one that leads nowhere. Remind me not to overcustomize this template....
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
It's Challenging to have Groups for HSPs
I am learning that it is quite difficult to organize groups and support systems for HSPs.
Even with online forums, many seem to want to really be part of something, but once they have signed up there is no participation. I started several groups on Yahoo after going to several HSP Gatherings, but it inevitably turns out that unless I am there all the time asking questions and starting conversations, nobody says anything.
And even when direct and relevant questions are asked, people seem hesitant to speak up and let their opinions be heard. For example, in a group with over 70 people, there are usually only 2-3 who participate.
I'm not entirely sure what to do about that. I wish I had an answer, but I really don't. But I am still going to go forward with the groups, and maybe when the memberships reach a certain level, there will be more activity.
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