HSP Life in the Age of Covid-19

These are strange days in which we live!

Of course, I can only speak for myself, but I can't help but think that there are ways in which the current state of the world weighs heavily on us HSPs... if nothing else, simply because we tend to spend a lot of time "thinking about things."

From a personal angle, I have to admit that the "shelter-in-place" mandates and limited mobility has not exactly been a hardship around here. I tend to shelter-in-place anyway, and I go out as little as possible at the best of times. 

I have been using the past few months to catch up on a lot of reading and organizing around the house, and we found ourselves having the time to work extensively in our garden, and we grew a record amount of our own food, from our little patch of land. 

Those are definitely positives!

On the other hand, this thing the mental health profession is increasingly referring to as "Covid Fatigue" does feel like a very real thing.

It seems to be the result of the new reality that no matter what we do or think, we now "filter" pretty much every decision and action through the lens of being aware of the potential impact this "pandemic" has on what we find ourselves in the middle of.

Often, the effects are quite indirect. A letter to relatives in Europe suddenly taking two weeks to get there, rather than five days. Not being able to get certain things. One of your favorite stores being closed. The simple fact that grocery shopping often takes twice as long as it used to, because of all the preparations and precautions we now take. The realization that it has become unwise to do certain things.

At our house, we feel it more directly, as well. I make substantially most of my living from online sales, and — due to people feeling uncertain about their jobs and incomes — my income (which wasn't much to start with) has been slowly declining all year. 

The other mental/emotional "weight" I feel a lot comes from the simple realization that we really don't know how long this "thing" is going to be with us... and that leads to the next realization that there most likely will be no "return to normal." If there ever was a "normal" it's long gone, and all we can likely look forward to at this point is an entirely new paradigm for human existence. 

Not sure how I feel about that... because I find myself really struggling to visualize a positive outcome.

Meanwhile, the entire "energetic feel" of the greater world seems to have taken on a gray filter... reflected by the broader subtext of frustration, anxiety, despair and sadness so many people are experiencing, these days. And anger. There seem to be abnormally many public flareups of anger.

Here in the US, it's not made any "lighter" by the fact that we are running into the final weeks of a Presidential election campaign... something that often brings out the worst in people, even at the best of times!

I have never been big on "Rah-Rah Positivity Parties," particularly when there's no objective reason to have one. Meaning... that I have no great advice to offer on how to magically "feel better about everything." If anything, I'd encourage everyone to simply allow themselves to "feel their feels" honestly, rather than sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is A-OK. 

Because, quite honestly, everything is not A-OK...

What has helped me most has been to do my best to not dwell excessively on things I have no control over. I try to direct my energies where I do have some influence: Getting long-postponed projects at home done, working on things I do enjoy — like my art, my photography and my writing — and making sure that I get outside. We HSPs benefit a lot from the healing power of nature, even if that "nature" is nothing more than sitting and looking at the flowers in our apartment complex grounds. 

In the meantime, stay safe and healthy, wherever you may be!

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High Sensitivity is not an "Illness:" Framing our lives in a more positive fashion

Being a Highly Sensitive Person "means" a number of different things in our lives.

Fundamentally, it means that we feel more, and we feel more deeply. In a sense we're more acutely "tuned in" to life and everything in it. As a result, it's easy for HSPs to get to a point of feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated.

Dr. Elaine Aron (author of "The Highly Sensitive Person) repeatedly emphasizes that high sensitivity-- as the inborn trait that it is... is a neutral trait. It has its pluses and minuses... but they all average out to being neutral. Unfortunately, many HSPs don't perceive themselves thus... they see themselves, how they are, and everything around them in a very negative light, often to their own detriment.

The rock of Gibraltar, from a beach in southern Spain

Much of my inspiration for this blog comes from hearing and reading what others say-- in their blogs, on web message boards, in email lists as well as in person. Recently, I have been noticing just how many HSPs see the trait as a distinct drawback, something they wish they were without, or could "cure"... and I wanted to examine that, and hopefully offer a gentle suggestion to adopt a different approach.

Some things I have heard/read recently include HSPs wanting to "be on disability" because they are highly sensitive. Others claim that the reason they can't "make a living" is because they are highly sensitive. Some insist their depression exists solely because they are HSPs. Similar claims can be applied to a variety of conditions, from shyness to being Bipolar, to ADHD.

Yet another group is made up of those who openly ask for support and help to-- allegedly-- be more capable of dealing with their sensitivities. That's certainly an excellent idea-- we can all use a little help and guidance-- but sometimes that's not exactly everything that's going on. Many workable suggestions are offered-- tips successfully used by other HSPs to make their lives easier-- but the people in question categorically reject everything that's suggested. No matter what, none of the suggestions "will work" or are "good enough."

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the person asking for help to deal with their sensitivity is actually asking for ways to get RID of their sensitivity. Which, of course, is not possible.

Much has been written about "creating our own reality," in the self-development and metaphysics industries. Whether you believe in creating reality, or the power of intent, or "positive affirmations," experience has taught me that it is just as easy to "create" a negative outcome as a positive one. It's all a matter of where you choose to focus your energy. Sadly, the HSPs who always seem to focus on the negative aspects of being highly sensitive also seem to get caught in a cycle of things "going badly" for them.

How do you make things turn out better... when everything feels so gloomy and depressing?

I'll be the first to admit that overstimulation, and feeling like life is just "too much" is not a lot of fun. Nor is criticism from those around you that you are "too this..." and "too that..." However, we have to start digging ourselves out of our (frequently) self-made holes of misery, somewhere. And since it's very unlikely to start with other people, it has to start with us.

Hillside water tank, near California Hot Springs

A good place to begin is with taking a completely honest inventory of what being a Highly Sensitive Person "means," in our lives-- and becoming fully accountable for what is ailing us. And along with that, recognizing what it doesn't mean to be an HSP-- including a number of illnesses and conditions-- even though we may be "attributing" such things to sensitivity.

Such honesty is not easy-- but it's important, when we truly want to heal and become strong and empowered individuals. We must reframe our negative self-perceptions... and work towards addressing and healing the actual issues at hand. For example:

You are not depressed because you are an HSP. You're depressed because something bad happened/is happening in your life... or because you have a chemical imbalance. Being an HSP may cause you to feel it more, but it didn't cause the depression.

You are not unable to make a living because you are an HSP. You're unable to make a living perhaps because you repeatedly choose jobs that suit you poorly, perhaps because you are trying to live up to other people's expectations, not your own, perhaps for some other reason. Being an HSP didn't cause you to be broke, but it may have made you more aware of your negative feelings towards work.

You are not shy or socially anxious because you are an HSP. Those are learned conditions that happened as a result of some negative social interactions you experienced in your past. Perhaps you're not either of those things, at all-- just aware that people easily overstimulate you, so you desire more time by yourself. Either way, being highly sensitive didn't cause your shyness, although it may have made you more tuned into feeling uncomfortable in certain situations.

One of the pieces of advice I most often offer my fellow HSPs is to "avoid comparisons," and to avoid letting other people define what's normal or not-normal... for YOU. The root word in "self-definition" is self. If you get overstimulated after two hours at a noisy party, then that's YOUR limit, and it's nobody else's business to define whether or not that makes you "abnormal" or not. It's not easy to shut out other people's opinions, and HSPs do tend to be very sensitive to criticism... but ultimately, we'll experience nothing but pain if we try to live by what other people think we "should" be able to do/handle/cope with or whatever.

In a sense, we must declare our own independence!

Once we separate out what our sensitivity truly is and stop trying to "repair" that part of us (which is futile, anyway!), we can attend to healing those parts of us that can be healed... whether it's "social anxiety" or a toxic relationship with work. And the beauty is... because we are HSPs, we'll experience the healing more strongly, as well!

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Talk Back! Do you-- or have you-- "blamed" high sensitivity (which is not "fixable") for "causing" problems or conditions in your life (which are fixable)? Do you have a clear sense of where your sensitivity ends, and other "issues" begin? Have you ever tried to "cure" your sensitivity? If so, what did you learn? Share with others-- please leave a comment!

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Article: Of Giftedness, ADD, Depression, and being an HSP

Follow-up to what I wrote yesterday: Originally written April 26, 2002, as a post to an online message board (edited slightly for typos and to add a couple of factual corrections).

In my recent "hiatus" from this forum, I have been spending some time researching connections between some things that might be of interest and relevance to many HSPs.

Looking through old threads here, I have noticed that we fairly frequently "cry out in pain" over one thing or another-- anguished screams in the night over the difficulty of it all. Most of the cries relate to feeling misunderstood, for a great number of reasons. BTW's recent posts come to mind, but there have been others. From time to time, we have discussions about depression, ADD, counseling and meds.

Like many HSPs, I have spent much of my life in a "caretaker" situation, helping others. I suppose one of the biproducts of this is that you learn a thing or two along the way.... and often a thing or two your basic psychologist/therapist doesn't pick up on.

As awareness of the HSP concept continues to spread (we've gone from fewer than 150 to more than 1100 members here, since I've been posting) I feel a growing concern that many HSPs who are being treated for (or have self-diagnosed with) "depression" or "ADD" or "Bipolar disorder" may be struggling with a mis-diagnosis on top of their already complex issues. Maybe you'll read this and say "Yeah, well, DUH!"-- but maybe not.

Bear with me for a moment, because some background is relevant here.

We have periodically touched-- albeit very briefly-- on the topics of IQ and "giftedness." However, we have all (HSPs and non-HSPs alike) been well trained that "giftedness" is not an "acceptable" topic for anyone to concern themselves with, except in passing. We tend to wring our hands and back away a bit like our dog did something nasty on the carpet.... after all, we're not "supposed to" think we're "anything" the rest of the world isn't....

Now, we can come from the opposite end of the spectrum and be "developmentally challenged," and a host of people immediately jump to our aid. Not so with giftedness. After all, it's a "positive," not a "negative."

For the purposes of this post, please understand that I am NOT talking specifically about "IQ" here, I am talking about "abilities" that somehow make a person "different" because of their insights, intuitions and talents in one or more areas.

On a very broad level, there is a pretty good support network in place for "gifted children." Likewise, there is a broad support network in place for "special needs children." But guess what? When you turn 16, 18 or 21, whatever.... the support system for the "gifted" end of the spectrum completely falls away. If you are 40 (or older) odds are there never was one, for you. At best, you were perhaps recognized as someone who could tutor those struggling in the class. Mostly, you're on your own. In fact, society penalizes you a bit with "less-than-supportive" comments such as "If you're so smart, why do you need help?"

OK, so what does this have to do with being an HSP?

The few PhDs out there actively doing research on "Adult Giftedness" (Silverman, Webb, et.al.) have found that there is an extremely strong correlation between extreme sensitivity (in childhood, and as an adult) and giftedness. Understand that while this does mean that the majority of "gifted" people are probably HSPs, it does not mean that HSPs are by definition "gifted." But there are certainly proportionately more gifted HSPs than gifted people in the general population. And much like with being HSP, 60-70% of "highly gifted" adults are introverts, vs. 25-30% of the general population.

Next step....

"Gifted" adults (many of whom are HSPs, remember) have "problems" just like the rest of the world. Except they are not like the rest of the world, just like HSPs are not like the rest of the world. As a (partial, anyway) result of this, there is an alarming degree of misdiagnosis of Depression, ADD and Bipolar Disorder in gifted adults.

How so?

Someone presents for treatment with "scattered" thoughts and a hyperactive mind that's constantly thinking "crazy thoughts" all over the place, as well as hypersensitivity and hyperexitablility. So they get chemical treatment for ADD. Except..... this hyperactive mind is actually a natural consequence of giftedness and sensitivity, not a "fault" in need of "repair." Yet, with a little pharmaceutical help, a brilliant mind that actually just needed guidance is instead "put to sleep" with drugs and its gifts lost to society.

But getting back to depression. The danger with depression in the gifted (and HSP) adult is that to 99% of the psychological profession "depression is depression is depression." Thus someone who presents with "depression" is (drugged and) treated for "depression."

Sorry! Wrong! But thank you for playing.....

Many of us recognize psychological clinical depression, either from having it, or from knowing someone who has it-- or just from reading. There are a bajillion web sites that will let you self-test, or read definitions from the "Holy Book Of The DSM-IV." In general something happens in our lives that jolts us, disappoints us, and we feel like we've failed somehow, and we become depressed. Things feel bleak and hopeless, but eventually a counselor helps us find the cause, which is then localized, defined and treated, and we go about our lives, armed with new "tools," "magic pills" and a new direction.

But there are many people for whom this standard "treatment of depression" really doesn't do anything. They seek treatment, but end up feeling no improvement, leading to feeling even more as if nobody understands them, and then might even devleop a belief that the psychology profession "can't help them" because they "don't GET it." More often than not, these people are HSPs who are also highly gifted.

The "good" news is that the reason you don't feel any different as a result of the treatment you're getting... is that you're being treated for something you don't actually have.

Existential Depression is often little more than a footnote in most writings and research on depression. It's not exactly a "household concept" since it generally doesn't affect many people, except in a very fleeting and vague manner. However, it is extremely prevalent among highly gifted sensitive adults. It's pervasive, non-specific, numbing and immobolizing-- in some cases causing the sufferer to reach a very logical conclusion that it makes most sense to just kill themselves. It does not respond to drugs or "conventional" therapies for depression; it cannot be "cured," only "managed" and the appropriate "management skills" generally have to be learned through Existential Psychotherapy-- which was "Chapter 4 in college" for most therapists, but a specialty for painfully few.

I just bring this up as "food for thought" for those who struggle with Depression and/or ADD/ADHD and feel "out of step." I bring this up, because maybe all that is "wrong" with you is that you have a special brain that's actually functioning normally-- for you. I bring it up because the type of depression felt by many on this board may not be as straightforward as they think. This will by no means apply to everyone, but if it "clicks" with even one or two, this post will have been worthwhile.