I seem to often end up here, wondering what I am going to write about. And if I spend too much time wondering, I often end up just leaving, without writing anything.
So I was thinking that it might be a good idea to take some of my "more noteworthy" posts I send to the various HSP listservs, or post on the "big" HSP Community messageboard, and turn them into blog posts here. Not only would it create a collection of "relevant" topics, it would also enable me to gather up all my best writings and ideas on the HSP topic... in one place.
It doesn't mean that I won't occasionally come up with "original" material here.
Not sure why I am writing this, now-- as I don't think anyone has ever read these pages.
Saturday, January 11, 2003
Thursday, January 09, 2003
HSPs, Introversion and Meeting People
I am an INFJ, HSP, enneatype 9 and assorted other things that add up to my being not the most "social animal" in the world. In general, I'd say that I have relatively little interest in "group activities" with strangers, although I must confess that I very much enjoy the company of a close friend, on a one-on-one basis. You could say that I don't much like people in a "global" sense, but am very fond of people on a case-by-case basis.
Having said, it may surprise you to know that in my 10+ years of being online, I have met in excess of 100 people, face-to-face, whom I originally "met" through some kind of Internet connection. "How is that POSSIBLE?" you might ask. For starters, let's not forget that this adds up to only about 10 people a year, and many of them were met as part of a group. My point, however, is that 90+% of these encounters have been very positive and non-overwhelming experiences.
I have met an occasional introvert who didn't mind (and even liked) groups-- as long as the group interaction was of a finite period of time, and not too long. In certain circumstances-- which I'll get to-- I belong to that latter group. There's an interesting dynamic, when you get predominately introverts together in a group setting-- they'll find a "comfort zone" very quickly-- usually meaning that a group (for example) of 12 introverts will pair up into six one-on-one conversations-- maybe changing partners, now and then. 12 extraverts would be more likely to have one big free-for-all.
Of course, there are also extraverted HSPs-- but this entry is not about you. But I didn't want you to think that I thought all HSPs are introverts.
But back to how this introverted HSP could go about voluntarily meeting so many people.
There is no parallel in our daily lives that compares to what it is like to "meet" a group of people "you already know" from some kind of online connection. Meeting a group of people (HSPs, for example) you have been emailing with for 6 months or more is completely different from going to a support group (of strangers) you signed up for at the local health center. When you do meet in person, there is a strange camraderie I cannot really describe. Although you are meeting for the "first" time, these people are not "strangers;" and not only are they "not strangers," they are people (thanks to the strange sense of closeness this medium gives us) you have probably shared more openly of your life with than the majority of your "real" friends.
I have been to a total of 7 "group gatherings" which were based on some "common interest." All have been highly positive experiences; I have made some wonderful friends in the process. It seems to me that when you get together (as a group) around a "common bond" it doesn't feel like you're "in a group." It feels like you're in a supportive and non-judgmental meeting of dear friends.
Although I have only been to one "event" that was based on the HSP trait as the "common factor," this meeting of HSPs was no different. And Dr. Aron writes of the importance of HSPs making friends with other HSPs-- so the effort is well worth it.
Having said, it may surprise you to know that in my 10+ years of being online, I have met in excess of 100 people, face-to-face, whom I originally "met" through some kind of Internet connection. "How is that POSSIBLE?" you might ask. For starters, let's not forget that this adds up to only about 10 people a year, and many of them were met as part of a group. My point, however, is that 90+% of these encounters have been very positive and non-overwhelming experiences.
I have met an occasional introvert who didn't mind (and even liked) groups-- as long as the group interaction was of a finite period of time, and not too long. In certain circumstances-- which I'll get to-- I belong to that latter group. There's an interesting dynamic, when you get predominately introverts together in a group setting-- they'll find a "comfort zone" very quickly-- usually meaning that a group (for example) of 12 introverts will pair up into six one-on-one conversations-- maybe changing partners, now and then. 12 extraverts would be more likely to have one big free-for-all.
Of course, there are also extraverted HSPs-- but this entry is not about you. But I didn't want you to think that I thought all HSPs are introverts.
But back to how this introverted HSP could go about voluntarily meeting so many people.
There is no parallel in our daily lives that compares to what it is like to "meet" a group of people "you already know" from some kind of online connection. Meeting a group of people (HSPs, for example) you have been emailing with for 6 months or more is completely different from going to a support group (of strangers) you signed up for at the local health center. When you do meet in person, there is a strange camraderie I cannot really describe. Although you are meeting for the "first" time, these people are not "strangers;" and not only are they "not strangers," they are people (thanks to the strange sense of closeness this medium gives us) you have probably shared more openly of your life with than the majority of your "real" friends.
I have been to a total of 7 "group gatherings" which were based on some "common interest." All have been highly positive experiences; I have made some wonderful friends in the process. It seems to me that when you get together (as a group) around a "common bond" it doesn't feel like you're "in a group." It feels like you're in a supportive and non-judgmental meeting of dear friends.
Although I have only been to one "event" that was based on the HSP trait as the "common factor," this meeting of HSPs was no different. And Dr. Aron writes of the importance of HSPs making friends with other HSPs-- so the effort is well worth it.
Saturday, January 04, 2003
HSPs and Unhealthy Relationships
One of the online HSP groups recently had a discussion about the way HSPs often seem to get embroiled in unhealthy or "toxic" relationships with far greater regularity than the population at large. Sometimes I am not convinced that we really get involved with more toxic people than others-- instead it may merely be a case of us not knowing how to detach ourselves from a bad situation.
I was married to a Borderline personality for 13 years. I will certainly say that it was a "learning experience." I am well beyond being mad as *&$*#, and can now say that "everything happens for a reason." Thanks to her, I got more seriously involved in psychology, and was forced to take a long hard look at the reality of myself and my upbringing. But the 13 years really should only have been 6 or 7. In some ways, that marriage should never have happened, in the first place.
As HSPs, we tend to be empaths-- and I think many of us are drawn to the pain some people have in their lives. Unfortunately some of us have early life models that draw us to the "unhealthy" versions of sharing our healing touch. One of the things I learned in post-divorce counseling (and through self-study) is that there is really nothing wrong with wanting to help people. But you don't have to be married to (or in a relationship with) those people whose lives seem to be a perpetual mess. However, it's not always easy-- I know I have an almost uncanny "radar" when it comes to finding what I have come to call "woman improvement projects."
Maybe that sounds arrogant, on some level-- like I consider myself some kind of "superior being." Well, I don't. The desire to "help" those in need doesn't automatically mean that the helper is "all that."
However, it should be a warning sign when you find yourself drawn into some situation where the person is sad because "they have never had a good relationship" and "all men/women misunderstand me" and "if someone would only give me a chance." RUN for the hills! There is usually a reason why these people "have never had a good relationship:" They are destructive/self-destructive, and people who "misunderstood" them and left them in the past did so because they are impossible to live with. There's usually a reason why these people might be 40 years old and "have never been interested enough in a job to stay there more than 6 months," and have a history of chronic firings/unemployment-- and lament that they are always broke. Those may sound like harsh words... and indeed there may be a "diamond in the rough" somewhere, and I do feel genuinely sorry for that "diamond".... but are you really ready to "shoot yourself in the foot" 20 times before you welcome that person who "needs" your nurturing powers in a healthy way?
Personally, I am very tired of narcissistic chaos-mongers who eat up all my energy while offering very little in return-- because they are too "damaged" to share healthy love.
I was married to a Borderline personality for 13 years. I will certainly say that it was a "learning experience." I am well beyond being mad as *&$*#, and can now say that "everything happens for a reason." Thanks to her, I got more seriously involved in psychology, and was forced to take a long hard look at the reality of myself and my upbringing. But the 13 years really should only have been 6 or 7. In some ways, that marriage should never have happened, in the first place.
As HSPs, we tend to be empaths-- and I think many of us are drawn to the pain some people have in their lives. Unfortunately some of us have early life models that draw us to the "unhealthy" versions of sharing our healing touch. One of the things I learned in post-divorce counseling (and through self-study) is that there is really nothing wrong with wanting to help people. But you don't have to be married to (or in a relationship with) those people whose lives seem to be a perpetual mess. However, it's not always easy-- I know I have an almost uncanny "radar" when it comes to finding what I have come to call "woman improvement projects."
Maybe that sounds arrogant, on some level-- like I consider myself some kind of "superior being." Well, I don't. The desire to "help" those in need doesn't automatically mean that the helper is "all that."
However, it should be a warning sign when you find yourself drawn into some situation where the person is sad because "they have never had a good relationship" and "all men/women misunderstand me" and "if someone would only give me a chance." RUN for the hills! There is usually a reason why these people "have never had a good relationship:" They are destructive/self-destructive, and people who "misunderstood" them and left them in the past did so because they are impossible to live with. There's usually a reason why these people might be 40 years old and "have never been interested enough in a job to stay there more than 6 months," and have a history of chronic firings/unemployment-- and lament that they are always broke. Those may sound like harsh words... and indeed there may be a "diamond in the rough" somewhere, and I do feel genuinely sorry for that "diamond".... but are you really ready to "shoot yourself in the foot" 20 times before you welcome that person who "needs" your nurturing powers in a healthy way?
Personally, I am very tired of narcissistic chaos-mongers who eat up all my energy while offering very little in return-- because they are too "damaged" to share healthy love.
Saturday, December 28, 2002
Time Flies
It seems that I have "done it again."
I started a blog, but found myself unable to keep up with it. It's not really that I lost interest, because I am still participating in the HSP groups and other activities. But I just lost focus. And all of a sudden, the calendar changed from "before Thanksgiving" to "after Christmas."
And now it will soon be 2003.
I had intended to write at least one entry about HSPs and the Holidays-- since Holiday stress seems to be something many of us deal with. And not that successfully, when tense family dynamics come into play. But it has become too late for that.
I am not going to make any New Year's resolutions, because I don't need to build artificial reasons to beat myself up for failing to live up to my own expectations. In fact, I am not even going to resolve that I will "write regularly" on these pages. Instead, I am just going to acknowledge this as my last entry of the old year, and then wish the world a Happy New Year. Into the void. As if anyone besides myself ever reads this...
I started a blog, but found myself unable to keep up with it. It's not really that I lost interest, because I am still participating in the HSP groups and other activities. But I just lost focus. And all of a sudden, the calendar changed from "before Thanksgiving" to "after Christmas."
And now it will soon be 2003.
I had intended to write at least one entry about HSPs and the Holidays-- since Holiday stress seems to be something many of us deal with. And not that successfully, when tense family dynamics come into play. But it has become too late for that.
I am not going to make any New Year's resolutions, because I don't need to build artificial reasons to beat myself up for failing to live up to my own expectations. In fact, I am not even going to resolve that I will "write regularly" on these pages. Instead, I am just going to acknowledge this as my last entry of the old year, and then wish the world a Happy New Year. Into the void. As if anyone besides myself ever reads this...
Thursday, November 21, 2002
Coping and Direction of energy
As much as I have studied people and personality.... there is one thing that often seems to hold true-- people fall into one of two "categories:" People who "move towards" and people who "move away from."
Often these are off-setting variants of seemingly identical behavior. For example, it's the difference between "moving away from pain" and "moving towards pleasure." The end result ("goal") appears the same (or very similar), but the underlying philosophy to reach the end goal differs. Some of it, I believe, has to do with whether we are driven by our fears, or by our desires. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, by any means-- but it seems we have a dominant function.
Thus people also have different approaches to coping with the challenges that go with being an HSP. The ultimate goal is "coping with being an HSP"-- but to "get there" might mean some kind of "fix" for one person, and simple "self-acceptance" for another. Nothing wrong with either method, as far as I can see.....
In my own case, the approach has changed over time. And much of it seems related to my sense of self-esteem, or self-worth. The lower my self-esteem, the more I tend to "move away from" things I don't want, while when my self-esteem is high, I move directly towards those things I do want.
Often these are off-setting variants of seemingly identical behavior. For example, it's the difference between "moving away from pain" and "moving towards pleasure." The end result ("goal") appears the same (or very similar), but the underlying philosophy to reach the end goal differs. Some of it, I believe, has to do with whether we are driven by our fears, or by our desires. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, by any means-- but it seems we have a dominant function.
Thus people also have different approaches to coping with the challenges that go with being an HSP. The ultimate goal is "coping with being an HSP"-- but to "get there" might mean some kind of "fix" for one person, and simple "self-acceptance" for another. Nothing wrong with either method, as far as I can see.....
In my own case, the approach has changed over time. And much of it seems related to my sense of self-esteem, or self-worth. The lower my self-esteem, the more I tend to "move away from" things I don't want, while when my self-esteem is high, I move directly towards those things I do want.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
HSPs, Relocation, and the Power of Place
An HSP "Virtual Friend" recently asked me if I had much experience with major relocations, and with choosing a place by "intuitive feel," just because it seemed right. The discussion was interesting, so I'd like to share some of it here.
I have more experience in this area than I care to think about-- I don't know precisely how many times I have moved, but I have lived in 10+ countries on three continents; as well as several places in Texas; AZ, OR and WA. My guess is that I have moved (from locally to internationally) 30-40 times in my 42 years. My "overall" account name here on Blogger was established under the moniker "GlobalNomad," which should tell you a thing or two.
If there is any "wisdom" I have gathered from this nomadic lifestyle, it is that there is a huge difference between going to a place because you want to, purely for the sake of the place itself, and going to a place for the sake of another person, or because you "have to" (i.e. job move, family emergency move). Personally, I see the chance to freely sit down and choose "the perfect place" as a great-- and quite rare-- opportunity, rather than something to be feared. That's not to imply that a cross country move might not overwhelm, by the way.
If you have no major commitments-- job, family, dating, marriage, business-- you are actually at an ideal crossroads to decide "Where would I really LIKE to live?" Very few people ever have this chance. It is still scary (especially for an HSP) to consider a major move across the country-- but if you're "unencumbered" (so to speak) you have eliminated a great deal of the inner turmoil and stress that often goes with leaving a place behind.
The task, then, becomes the challenge of taking "inventory" of yourself in terms of what makes you like (and DISlike) any specific geographic location. You have to figure out what makes you happy. Is it nature? Is it city culture? Is it a certain climate? The quality of education (obviously relevant, if you're a parent)? Cost of living? The arts? Do you like being near mountains, or the ocean? A certain lifestyle? Do you need public transit? Access to continuing education? Can you readily "replace" your current stress free job? Is your work experience specialized, requiring the presence of certain employers? There are any number of "if only I had this!" criteria that we build up in our minds, over the years-- and those would be what I would look at first.
Once you have a very clear idea of what is important to you-- then I'd suggest you start trying to match your desires to a place. Allow yourself plenty of time to figure out the pluses and minuses of different locations.... alas, I have heard too many sad stories on people who moved to a new city on a whim... because they had seen a cool program on the Travel Channel, or had visited once for a 5-day vacation... and used that as the only thing to go on. Also, be open to the idea that your current "home" may actually be the best location for you. However, if you're feeling restless and rootless, that's somewhat unlikely.
Ultimately, you have to go visit the place you're contemplating. Take your vacation there, but don't be a tourist. Go be a "local." Book yourself into an "extended stay hotel" with a kitchen. Make yourself go to the grocery, the bank and other stuff you do on a daily basis. Drive through neighborhoods to get a feel for them. Listen to your intuition. Does the place "feel" right, to you?
Listening to your inner wisdom is also important when it comes to your overall decision for moving-- at least in terms of trying to figure out the true nature of your "restlessness." If the desire to move is inspired by a feeling of wanting to "run away from being by myself," you may want to examine that, as well. And I'm not saying that it IS, by any means-- just understand your own motivations for wanting to move.
A change of location affords us a "clean slate" in some ways-- it's an opportunity to start again, in a place where nobody has any preconceived notions about who we are, and what we do. As such-- scary moments aside-- it can be very cathartic. Although I am "deeply HSP" in many respects, the idea of packing my stuff and moving cross country does not scare me... except as a concern about choosing the wrong place.
I have more experience in this area than I care to think about-- I don't know precisely how many times I have moved, but I have lived in 10+ countries on three continents; as well as several places in Texas; AZ, OR and WA. My guess is that I have moved (from locally to internationally) 30-40 times in my 42 years. My "overall" account name here on Blogger was established under the moniker "GlobalNomad," which should tell you a thing or two.
If there is any "wisdom" I have gathered from this nomadic lifestyle, it is that there is a huge difference between going to a place because you want to, purely for the sake of the place itself, and going to a place for the sake of another person, or because you "have to" (i.e. job move, family emergency move). Personally, I see the chance to freely sit down and choose "the perfect place" as a great-- and quite rare-- opportunity, rather than something to be feared. That's not to imply that a cross country move might not overwhelm, by the way.
If you have no major commitments-- job, family, dating, marriage, business-- you are actually at an ideal crossroads to decide "Where would I really LIKE to live?" Very few people ever have this chance. It is still scary (especially for an HSP) to consider a major move across the country-- but if you're "unencumbered" (so to speak) you have eliminated a great deal of the inner turmoil and stress that often goes with leaving a place behind.
The task, then, becomes the challenge of taking "inventory" of yourself in terms of what makes you like (and DISlike) any specific geographic location. You have to figure out what makes you happy. Is it nature? Is it city culture? Is it a certain climate? The quality of education (obviously relevant, if you're a parent)? Cost of living? The arts? Do you like being near mountains, or the ocean? A certain lifestyle? Do you need public transit? Access to continuing education? Can you readily "replace" your current stress free job? Is your work experience specialized, requiring the presence of certain employers? There are any number of "if only I had this!" criteria that we build up in our minds, over the years-- and those would be what I would look at first.
Once you have a very clear idea of what is important to you-- then I'd suggest you start trying to match your desires to a place. Allow yourself plenty of time to figure out the pluses and minuses of different locations.... alas, I have heard too many sad stories on people who moved to a new city on a whim... because they had seen a cool program on the Travel Channel, or had visited once for a 5-day vacation... and used that as the only thing to go on. Also, be open to the idea that your current "home" may actually be the best location for you. However, if you're feeling restless and rootless, that's somewhat unlikely.
Ultimately, you have to go visit the place you're contemplating. Take your vacation there, but don't be a tourist. Go be a "local." Book yourself into an "extended stay hotel" with a kitchen. Make yourself go to the grocery, the bank and other stuff you do on a daily basis. Drive through neighborhoods to get a feel for them. Listen to your intuition. Does the place "feel" right, to you?
Listening to your inner wisdom is also important when it comes to your overall decision for moving-- at least in terms of trying to figure out the true nature of your "restlessness." If the desire to move is inspired by a feeling of wanting to "run away from being by myself," you may want to examine that, as well. And I'm not saying that it IS, by any means-- just understand your own motivations for wanting to move.
A change of location affords us a "clean slate" in some ways-- it's an opportunity to start again, in a place where nobody has any preconceived notions about who we are, and what we do. As such-- scary moments aside-- it can be very cathartic. Although I am "deeply HSP" in many respects, the idea of packing my stuff and moving cross country does not scare me... except as a concern about choosing the wrong place.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
Work, Money and HSPs
There seems to be a trend (in terms of work) that plagues many HSP-- that of being "chronically underemployed." In the HSP Workbook, Elaine Aron mentions the fact that HSPs often gravitate towards fields/careers that are uncommonly poorly compensated-- such as art, writing, music, library science, etc. I know that I certainly fit into one of those categories (or several). Whenever I haven't labored in retail (well-compensated, I grant you, when I was a business owner), I have always "known" that I wanted to be a writer. Yet, I have never been able to earn much of a living wage from writing-- except when "selling out" to be a technical writer for hire.
At the same time, there is much "wisdom" out there, to the effect of "Do what you love, the money will follow." I am just wondering if we-- as HSPs-- have greater difficulty getting "the money to follow" than the rest of the world, given the particular kinds of things we "love?" And because we so often gravitate towards work that doesn't pay a whole lot-- we have very little to "fall back on" while trying to build up whatever vocation is our dream; our calling.
As an example, I used to run the aforementioned business-- which fit my personality very poorly. Lots of stress and anxiety, felt like a misfit, but I was very well paid. Now I am a writer, which I love. However, I have traded the stress of constant cacophony and "go! go! GO!" for the stress of not knowing how I'll pay for next month's rent. It is still stress.
My answer is increasingly becoming one that I notice other HSPs follow: Simplification. A smaller, less expensive lifestyle that is sustainable at the income level generated by whatever professions allow us to follow our bliss.
At the same time, there is much "wisdom" out there, to the effect of "Do what you love, the money will follow." I am just wondering if we-- as HSPs-- have greater difficulty getting "the money to follow" than the rest of the world, given the particular kinds of things we "love?" And because we so often gravitate towards work that doesn't pay a whole lot-- we have very little to "fall back on" while trying to build up whatever vocation is our dream; our calling.
As an example, I used to run the aforementioned business-- which fit my personality very poorly. Lots of stress and anxiety, felt like a misfit, but I was very well paid. Now I am a writer, which I love. However, I have traded the stress of constant cacophony and "go! go! GO!" for the stress of not knowing how I'll pay for next month's rent. It is still stress.
My answer is increasingly becoming one that I notice other HSPs follow: Simplification. A smaller, less expensive lifestyle that is sustainable at the income level generated by whatever professions allow us to follow our bliss.
Saturday, November 02, 2002
Friends, Chaos and Detachment
The new telephone directory arrived a few days ago. Whenever it arrives, I have this old habit of going through and finding friends and acquaintances; looking for people I've lost touch with, and so forth. I noticed this year that everyone has "gone." Almost everyone, anyway.
And then I got to thinking about who these people were, and what kinds of relationships we had. And why they ended, so easily, just sliding away into a state of neglect. As a result of this little exercise in analysis, I also came to the very difficult (or uncomfortable) conclusion that-- in many cases-- I "owned" part of the problem.
I deluded myself that these people were "friends," but really... they were there because they could "get" something from me, a "feed" of sorts, and when that "feed" stopped, so did their interest. I realize that I tend to come across as someone who has "the answers" and others often operate under the perception that I have my life together. Which is simply not true-- but perceptions are often more important than facts.
I don't want this to sound harsh, and it certainly doesn't make it EASIER to cope with losing someone.... but it really isn't "friendship" when people are just interested in me because I am "useful" to them. In my case, that "use" has often been my ability to act as a "guide" or "ship's counselor." Sometimes the use has been more practical-- often in a monetary sense. I can't deny that friendship certainly involves the process of "helping" a friend, but when the friendship is defined by my giving help-- it quickly becomes usuary. And in looking at this stuff, I have also come to realize that I have personally grown in a direction that makes the original "connection" with those people less relevant than it used to be.
A "real" friend recently sent me this web page link:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm
and I found it to be interestingly timely, mostly in the way it served as a reminder of many of the co-dependency issues I visited in therapy, many years ago. My travels through the online HSP Communities suggest that this is an issue that's relevent to many HSPs.
As an aside, coping.org is an enormous site with almost endless linked pages that allow you to meander and evaluate some of your own issues and struggles in life, and it also offers many (often "tough love" oriented, I grant you) solutions. Every underlined word is a link to yet another issue and level of "granularity." Many HSPs might find something useful there-- I know I certainly have.
And then I got to thinking about who these people were, and what kinds of relationships we had. And why they ended, so easily, just sliding away into a state of neglect. As a result of this little exercise in analysis, I also came to the very difficult (or uncomfortable) conclusion that-- in many cases-- I "owned" part of the problem.
I deluded myself that these people were "friends," but really... they were there because they could "get" something from me, a "feed" of sorts, and when that "feed" stopped, so did their interest. I realize that I tend to come across as someone who has "the answers" and others often operate under the perception that I have my life together. Which is simply not true-- but perceptions are often more important than facts.
I don't want this to sound harsh, and it certainly doesn't make it EASIER to cope with losing someone.... but it really isn't "friendship" when people are just interested in me because I am "useful" to them. In my case, that "use" has often been my ability to act as a "guide" or "ship's counselor." Sometimes the use has been more practical-- often in a monetary sense. I can't deny that friendship certainly involves the process of "helping" a friend, but when the friendship is defined by my giving help-- it quickly becomes usuary. And in looking at this stuff, I have also come to realize that I have personally grown in a direction that makes the original "connection" with those people less relevant than it used to be.
A "real" friend recently sent me this web page link:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm
and I found it to be interestingly timely, mostly in the way it served as a reminder of many of the co-dependency issues I visited in therapy, many years ago. My travels through the online HSP Communities suggest that this is an issue that's relevent to many HSPs.
As an aside, coping.org is an enormous site with almost endless linked pages that allow you to meander and evaluate some of your own issues and struggles in life, and it also offers many (often "tough love" oriented, I grant you) solutions. Every underlined word is a link to yet another issue and level of "granularity." Many HSPs might find something useful there-- I know I certainly have.
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