HSPs and Defining Ourselves

"Unless you know who you ARE, how can you possibly know what you WANT?"

"Unless you know who YOU are, how can you possibly hope to know what you want in someone ELSE?"

Recently, I was tidying up in the basement, looking for some documents in old boxes, and basically being involved in "digging around in old stuff." It was also a somewhat mindless process, which "triggered"-- and then allowed for-- my walking around and "digging around in" old thinking/emotional "stuff."

I found myself feeling grateful about how many ghosts of my past have already been "processed" and neatly packed away. I think it is true of our ostensible "baggage" (to use a pop culture buzzword), that it never actually "goes away." But we do learn to incorporate it into our lives, and subsequently to be awake and cognizant of it, and perhaps to rearrange it into a small "carry-on" that stows neatly in the overhead bin, or under the seat in front of us. That said, there's a never-ending process of self-discovery, and often when you find and deal with some old "pothole," a new one seems to manifest itself.

The two phrases up top were spoken by Eli, one of my spiritual Teachers of many, many moons ago. As I suddenly recalled them, I ended up pondering the way HSPs are often predisposed to seek "external answers" to "internal troubles."

Because we are sensitive, we spend a lot of time in "reactionary mode," reacting to things that are coming from outside us. Then we internalize these things, often assigning ourselves blame for something that happened, or something someone did. Sometimes we assign blame outwardly-- someone did something TO us, and it becomes "their fault" that we have pain. Often these things cause us some kind of mental/emotional/psychic pain (which is internal, to us) and then we go off in search of external "fixes" to get rid of the pain. The second quote is a reflection of where we often do ourselves the most damage: we go in search of "someone else" through whom "our" pain will somehow go away. Often, this is a love relationship, but it can also be friendships, or jobs, or hobbies... pursued with a subtle subtext "If only I have X,Y and Z, my life will be better/perfect, and my pain will be gone."

Not so much...

"Know who you are."

I've had a lot of HSPs respond to this assertion with phrases like "Yeah, that's easy for YOU to say! I have NO idea who I am, nor do I even know how to find out."

Let me state for the record: Personal work is NOT easy.
Let me rephrase that: Personal work of sufficient depth that it leads to authentic insight, healing and lasting change is extraordinarily challenging and can be extremely painful.

I can also assure you that there is no "magic pill," and nobody is going to drive up to your front door and deliver "your perfect life," in a box from FedEx.

You may be reading this and going "Well... DUH!" but when I look around me, at the many HSPs I personally know, I see relatively little evidence that folks-- even quite "evolved" folks-- truly grok this at a deeper level.

A lot of people want to argue with me. They say "Yeah, but if I won the lottery, these problems would go away."

The only thing that would be "true" is that you would "have a lot of money"... and the SAME problems you had before winning the lottery. You would not stop being depressed, loveless, chemically sensitive, ADHD, sensory defensive and suffering from PTSD from an abusive childhood, just because your bills are paid. And you know what? If "money" were your primary issue, odds are that you'd blow through those lottery winnings, because the "underlying issue" isn't money, but the fact that you don't know how to manage money. See the problem? Trust me, on this one.

"Yeah, but if I was in a relationship instead of being alone...."

This is one of the most common "arguments" I hear from HSPs-- especially HSPs who struggle extensively with relationships. This may sound rude and insensitive, but please pause and entertain the possibility that your long string of failed relationships that you rationalize as having failed because something was always "wrong" with the other person may just have happened because YOU are an insufferable cloud of insecure clingy neediness and low self-esteem. My point being that healthy relationships are typically created by healthy people.

I believe many HSPs struggle with the issue of "who they are," because in-depth self-definition is-- ultimately-- a SELF-ish process. And we tend to be "all about OTHER people." It's not that we don't "self-examine" (because we DO, and in spades), but we tend to excessively frame said self-examination in the context of "what others think about us." Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against caring for/about others. I just have a problem when we allow others to "define us" and "create us" in an image that really doesn't match who we are, in our souls. When we allow "the world" to define us, we give away our personal power.

Those who have followed my ramblings here since their inception might remember how I struggled with the issue of going from "a paid job" to self-employment. And how I struggled with my reasoning for "moving from Texas to Washington." And how I have struggled with relationships.

Now, we probably ALL struggle with these at various times... but just where do our struggles lead us? My realization, last week, was that my overall "personal growth paradigm" has changed, over the past ten years. It has changed from "recognizing that something was wrong, and seeking something different," to "recognizing that something was wrong, pausing to examine what would be right, and then focusing purely on seeking IT."

Phrased a little differently, it was a subtle shift from "running away from" (what I didn't like) to "running towards" (what I did like).

It's easy to recognize "pain."
It's easy to recognize "fear."
It's easy to realize that we "don't like it."
It's relatively easy to "run away" from it.
"Running away" is generally "reactive."
"Reacting" does not require us to know ourselves well.
To "run towards" joy, gratitude, pleasure and Love, we must first know ourselves.
What gives us Joy?
What leads to gratitude?
What gives us pleasure?
What does Love feel like?
"Running towards" is generally "responsive."
It asks us to be Aware, and to be Mindful.
It asks us to look forward towards something we have consciously identified, and we feel safe in doing so, because our path is not shaped by concern about a demon gaining on us, from behind.

In the course of the change process, I have also given up most of my dependence on external factors and people, as determinants in what I do. That is, I hear what (advice) others have to offer, but I don't so much let it rule me as if it were "superior to my own inner knowing." And it's NOT easy when you encounter situations where almost everyone, and almost ALL "conventional advice" says "You can't DO that!"

There have been many and diverse steps in this process. Maybe you'll recognize some of them in a global sense-- either as a "been there, done that" reminder, or as a realization that you really need to examine them because you're actually "stuck," even though you may be afraid to admit that.

Some examples:

I "redefined" WORK. Multiple times.

I went from having "a job" to working as a contractor (You shouldn't do that! It's risky! You have bills!), then I went from contract work to being self-employed, at home (You can't do that! 90% of the self-employed fail! You have bills and obligations, and people who depend on you!).

I "redefined" work, again.

I went from doing something people perceived as "real" (technical writing, online test design) to "playing with my hobbies." I trade in rare stamps for stamp collectors, and I am a beach comber, selling "found objects" to 100s of jewelers, artists and crafts people around the world (That's not a REAL job! With your talents, you should be doing something more important! You can't make a living, doing that!).

What I do for a living, today, bears little resemblance to what 99% of the population would consider "working."

I redefined "success."

I largely abandoned the whole issue that "success" somehow is about "stuff" and what we have. Success, for me, amounts to primarily having a roof over my head, utilities paid, food on the table, a high-speed Internet connection, a working vehicle, money enough for travel and books and Love in my life. I was never happy because I had an expensive new car. I was never happy as a result of wearing a $2000 "status" watch. These were trinkets other people (and society) told me "should" make me happy... I also brought some "consistency" to my thinking. If I'm going to "preach" importance of living a sustainable life with a small carbon footprint, I must LIVE that life, not just TALK about it.

I should insert, here, that I absolutely am not advocating some kind of ascetic lifestyle. Far from it! Money is a nifty thing, and having some makes life a lot easier to live, and there's absolutely no shame in liking to have a cushion in your bank account and the ability to buy a $100 dinner when you feel like it. Feeling worthy of having-- and embracing-- financial comfort and being ruled by a driving need to accumulate material wealth are two very different things.

As HSPs we're highly intuitive and empathic and even psychic. We have these amazing "inner barometers of truth" that are right, 95% of the time. And yet? So often we assign far more value and importance to the words, advice and "wisdom" of people "outside us" who-- by their own admission-- "don't understand" who we are!

This.
Does.
Not.
Make.
Sense!

Nobody "owes" you anything. The only person who "owes" you, is YOU. What you get from others-- lovely as it may be-- is a "bonus," not an "entitlement." The Universe doesn't "owe" you a good job, true love or kind and just treatment. These are things you choose or create for yourself. Life doesn't "happen TO you," you "MAKE" life happen.

"Defining" ourselves is an inherently SELF-ish process. We aren't who other people tell us we are. Our self-definition doesn't have to make sense to other people, it has to make sense to US.

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Talk Back: Do you know who you really are? Do you know what you really want? Do your definitions come from yourself, or from others? Do you feel awkward/worried that your true self would be misunderstood? Or have you completely embraced it?

HSP Comfort Zones and Who We Are

I have been thinking, recently, about the notion of "Comfort Zones" and who we are, inside and outside our comfort zones.

Much has been written in the popular press-- and especially in self-help books-- about the need to "push the envelope" and "step outside our comfort zone" but I feel increasingly compelled to examine this notion, in the specific context of being an HSP.

Where does "complacency" and "learned (self-imposed) helplessness" end, and simply "managing our energy in a self-caring way" begin? I can certainly see how always choosing to stay safe might lead to stagnation, but isn't it also true that much of our greatest creative output happens when we're "in our (comfort) zone?"

A while back, I was talking to a friend about comfort zones and knowing where we are OK and "within limits," and where we're not. Personally, I'm an introvert, and definitely do not possess the well-documented "thrill seeker" gene. Many would consider me rather reclusive and not particularly people-oriented. I'd agree with that assessment-- the psychic energy of crowds can be very exhausting, so I tend to avoid them. That said, I do like people, and I am not socially anxious or avoidant-- it's just that my preference is for spending my time with one person at a time, and I give myself permission to be quite selective about who gets my energy.

My point being, I have certain "limits." My choice of limited social interaction is not a thinly veiled cover for social anxiety, shyness or some other kind of avoidance-- it's a response to the fact that being "on" in a group of ten people for six hours is absolutely and totally exhausting to me. What I would like to add to that statement, is that I may actually have a really good time, with those ten people... that's not what's in question..

I feel that when we consider "Comfort Zones," especially as HSPs, we must pause to consider the deeper "whys" that draw us to staying in them. Staying within our comfort zone because we are fearful of leaving it is a very different situation from choosing to mostly stay in it because experience has taught us that it's simply wise self-management.

There are those who would argue that we can "train ourselves" to overcome things that are difficult for us. Sure. I can also train myself to hit myself in the head with a ball peen hammer every morning... but why would I want to? What are our motivations? Simply pushing outside our comfort zones "for its own sake" is just plain idiocy, and surely almost as toxic as feeling trapped inside by fear. To use a simple metaphor, if you know you're going to throw up every time you ride a rollercoaster, don't keep riding rollercoasters just because "it's outside your comfort zone!"

It should also be remembered that comfort zones are not a "one size fits all" proposition. Although it's a nice ideal-- heavily perpetuated by the "New Age" movement-- that we are all one and the same, the truth of our lives in this three-dimensional plane of existence is that we are NOT all equal, and NOT all the same. We may be the same in the eyes of Spirit, but not in terms of biology! Let's just start with the very fact that we are sitting here, and have "differentiated ourselves" as HSPs. What could be a clearer statement that "we are not the same" than that?

Anyway, to conclude this train of thought, I believe we must pause and question not so much the "that" we have Comfort Zones, but the "why" being in them. A Comfort Zone is a healthy self-preserving space which shouldn't be regarded negatively unless we become pathological about never leaving it.

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Talk Back: How aware are you of your Comfort Zones? When you are completely honest with yourself, do you use them as a way to retreat from (or avoid) life, or just as a safe haven that gives you the strength to make "excursions?" Do you feel like you are in balance, with your "in" and "out" time?

HSPs and the delicate exercise of “Jumping to Conclusions.”

As HSPs, I think we sometimes just “read too much” into situations. Last month, I wrote a bit about "taking things too personally." This explores a related issue.

Most of us are empaths, and certainly intuitives. Many are somewhat to very psychic, even. I'm suggesting we sometimes become/are so dependent on intuition and “vibes” and feelings and hunches that we run the risk of reading everything that’s “between the lines,” while completely ignoring the actual WORDS of the message.

What exactly do I mean?

Let me offer a fictional example:

We’re in a conversation with Bob, and he says “I just LOVE the color blue!”

We’re wearing a green sweater, and “extrapolate” from Bob’s statement and the fact that he seems a little tense and doesn't make eye contact that he “hates green.” And that his declaration of love for the color blue, combined with the fact that he didn’t also give accolades to green, is actually a latently hostile statement that he can’t stand our green sweater.

Whoa!
STOP!

Let’s examine this, for a moment. Bob simply stated that he loves blue. No more, no less. We may accurately have picked up his fidgety vibe, but failed to know that he had a big fight with his wife earlier and was avoiding eye-contact to try to avoid a conversation in which he'd have to confess that he'd been the guilty one in causing the fight. I think it behooves to not lose sight of what was really said in a dialogue, and not to assume that some disaster or slight was intended, until we actually have clear evidence of it.

Furthermore, if we often “catch ourselves” assuming malicious intent in seemingly harmless messages, there’s actually an invitation there to examine our own “baggage,” to look at why we believe people are “out to get us.” We might also look at the deeper question of why we rather selfishly believe other people's neutral statements are actually about us. I have observed this kind of "persecution complex" in a number of HSP web groups, where someone will interpret a completely neutral message as "hate mail," after which a huge brou-ha-ha ensues.

To use a saying my Beloved often uses: "Sometimes crows eating crawfish are JUST crows eating crawfish."

To add my own commentary... situations such as the above tend to not just be about "being highly sensitive" but about deeper issues inviting further exploration.

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Talk Back: So… have you caught yourself “jumping to conclusions?” And later finding out it was to your detriment? Or does it not apply to you? Have you ever been in this pattern? If you were, and moved past it, what was helpful to you in moving on?

Reflections on The “Size” of Life, energy management, and being an HSP

I live a fairly small life.

It didn’t always used to be so. For many years, I did the whole “striving” thing, living on the treadmill of always trying to get “more” of whatever it is society teaches us we “should” want more of.

The primary thing that originally motivated me to "reinvent" myself was the realization that-- as an HSP-- I have very finite "bandwidth" in terms of dealing with life. I find myself getting especially exhausted around "chaos" and people whose lives seem dominated by chaos and "drah-mah"... typically of their own making. Yet, no matter how much said chaos may be of their making, it falls down like a particularly toxic form of psychic acid rain on everyone else in their vicinity. Perhaps you can relate to this?

Some 15 years later, my life (by choice) is much smaller. Less "stuff," less action, fewer demands, almost a complete "turnover" of the group of people I once considered acquaintances-to-friends, much lower cost of living, much less effort needed to sustain myself.

The upside to all this is that much more of the "content of life" is in my life because I choose it, rather than as a result of having it "forced on me," by the inevitability of a chaotic life I have little or no control over. Or if not exactly “forced” on me, at least as a result of trying to maintain a life that left me feeling like I “had no choice” but to keep running insanely.

Now there are those who'd say I'm "in denial" and "out of touch" with real life... and that I have retreated too far inside my comfort zone. Whereas there may be aspects of truth to such allegations, I keep coming back to the fact that my current lifestyle was a very thoroughly planned and consciously chosen one. At the heart of that is the knowing that I didn't "run away" from my old life, I "ran towards" my new one... I was not trying to "avoid stress," I was trying to "gain peace."

In any case, as nice as all that may sound, I still struggle to "manage my energy." After some years of living in a rather “self contained” manner, I am now faced with many things I want to take on (as opposed to have to take on) but I continue to struggle with making wise choices. As some of you (who have been "with" me from "times of old") know, every time I end up "going away" for a while, it's the result of life having "become bigger" than my capacity to deal with it.

At the moment, I have several projects "simmering," but I find myself cautious about launching myself into them... concerned that I'll just end up "getting absorbed" again, and crashing, usually at a time when a bunch of other people are "depending" on me to be "the strong one" in a situation. Once again, everything becomes about sound "energy management."

So this is really a long-winded way of wanting to explore the topic of how we-- as HSPs-- best "manage our available energy," walking that fine line between getting overwhelmed and overstimulated, and completely isolating ourselves from "the stuff of life" in order to preserve our energy "at all costs."

I know that certain things are different, in my life, from how they used to be. The last few years have been very healing for me, and I now "come at life" from a place where I feel strong and healthy, rather than from a place where I feel frazzled and overwhelmed. I work for myself, I'm making a living doing something I truly enjoy; I'm debt free; I live in a place of my choosing, which I feel like I "belong to," on a very deep level; I'm in a beautiful and deeply loving and reciprocal love relationship; life is good! And after these years of healing, I am ready to approach the world again... but it has to be from a place of deliberate choices and conscious mindful actions.

I'm at a point in my life where "grin and bear it" is not an acceptable option, anymore. Without getting overly dramatic about it, I have worked pretty damned hard to get to the place where I am, now... and I'm not willing to just "give it up again."

"The middle way" seems like an ideal... but what does the middle way look like, in a practical sense? How do you fully commit to something, without also going overboard on it, allowing it to control you and spinning out? Boundaries, yes... but it's hard to know, ahead of time, where boundaries need to be when you're not sure how demanding (or not) something is going to be.

I have found—and increasingly find—that a large part of the answer lies in making prudent and informed choices. And a central part of what makes a choice prudent for me, is feeling a strong sense of “rightness,” when I make the choice. On a general level, that translates as “choose only the things you are MOST passionate about. Leave the rest in the background.” Maybe that sounds simplistic, and I can certainly hear “voices” in the background, saying “Oh, it’s just NOT that simple!”

I’m not denying that there are aspects of life we “have to” deal with, whether we like them, or not. That’s just a part of life, or of being human, or of being a responsible adult™. That said, we have a right to choose. And not only do we have a right to choose, we have the duty (to ourselves and others) to pause and examine the motivations behind our choices. When we feel “uneasy and pressured” about investing in our uncle Bob’s new restaurant—but feel “obligated” to do so, anyway—it’s worth pausing to examine not so much the investment, or our decision (itself) but the (for example) guilt that’s causing us to say “yes,” when we really want to say “HELL, NO!”

What are we afraid of, when we say "no" to Uncle Bob? That he will no longer speak to us? That telling him the simple truth that his restaurant will fail will cause a family rift? Let's say it's friends, instead. If we are afraid to tell them "no," what "leverage" is it they are holding over our heads? Furthermore, if these friends will "no longer speak to us" if we don't do their "bidding" (whatever that may be), what is the friendship really based on, in the first place?

So what’s really my point, here?

As an HSP, I can handle a lot, if what I am asked to handle is something I am truly “into” and believe in. Not so true of things that feel like an “obligation,” or a "manipulation," or that simply don’t interest me. And so “managing energy” is not merely about “how much,” but about “what” we get involved in. And it’s especially about mindfulness and prudent choices. And part of THAT revolves around setting good boundaries and adopting a willingness to enforce them. It’s OK to say “no” to your uncle. The comeback “but we’re FAMILY!” does not make something an appropriate investment. And with friends? It's also OK to say "no," and if the friendship cannot withstand a "no," then question not what is being asked, but the connection, itself.

Ultimately, we have to know ourselves, and honor our capabilities. Sometimes, that may seem a little selfish... but what good are we to others, if we are no good to ourselves?

Choose wisely.

HSPs and Taking Things too Personally

As HSPs it seems we can have a tendency to take things “too personally” sometimes-- that is, we "internalize" things that are not at all "about us." I know this has often often true for me, in various parts of my life.

Some HSPs get a bit defensive about this, stating that they are NOT taking things “too personally,” and that being sensitive is simply… well… part of being sensitive. Whereas I can agree to some extent, there’s a fine line between merely being sensitive, and then taking things “too personally” and “irrationally internalizing” them in ways that are out of proportion. Part of making peace with the trait is being mindful and awake, when we face challenging moments with other people.

Yes, I know. Some of you are going point out that we've been marginalized and picked on for being "too sensitive" all our lives... and now that we have a scientific explanation, we're allowed to empower ourselves by feeling our feelings freely... and "are you not now telling us we're the exact thing we're trying to get away from? Are you not calling us 'too sensitive,' all over again?"

Well, no. No I'm not.

But it requires a little explanation.

For example, where I most often find myself slipping into "taking it too personally" is when I am faced with someone assuring me they are "not an expert," and then they ask me about something that's one of my areas of some knowledge (or expertise, even). Then, as soon as I start sharing something about my opinion about that topic, they immediately start listing all the reasons why I really "don't know what I'm talking about." And typically I know for a fact that they are wrong. Usually, this kind of person is trying to "guide a response" that fits their reality (for example, they want me to tell them that NOTHING can be done to help them with some problem) rather than actually asking for help and facing that they do have a solvable problem. However, I find it really hard to handle the underlying implication that I'm an idiot, without taking it personally.

In most cases, I find it helpful to merely stop-- and ask myself whether I am "reacting to" or "responding to" the situation. Even if the pause is very brief, I usually find myself switching from "reactive" to "responsive" mode. And I realize that the person really doesn't have anything against me, personally... that feeling is a "creation" of my own making.

But let me offer a different-- and purely fictional-- example, although this is based on a number of real life incidents I recall:

Let's say you're at work. Something happens. Maybe you overhear a co-worker making some aside about you to a third party. And all of a sudden you start “talking to yourself” about it, in your mind. Within half an hour, you’ve managed to construct an anxiety-ridden scenario about how this person is scheming to get you fired.

Or maybe you were helping a friend with something that was weighing heavily upon them, and they just didn’t seem very appreciative. In fact, they were a bit “short” with you, a couple of times. After a couple of hours of thinking about it at home, you conclude that they hate you and want to break off the friendship.

HSPs—probably as a “side effect” of the part of the trait that’s associated with “processing deeply”—seem to have an uncanny (and often unhealthy, for us) “talent” for looking at little “incidents” and projecting the worst possible interpretation onto them. I know I have caught myself doing this, on many occasions. Last year, I had a “disaster scenario” revolved around a doctor’s visit I’d been putting off, and I had projected all manners of horrible hidden ailments onto the situation…. Even though nothing was wrong.

Truth is, in the previous scenarios, the first person may merely have been remarking to a co-worker that you “didn’t quite seem yourself, today.” In the second case, you friend may have been preoccupied because her mother has cancer, and her mind was elsewhere.

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Talk Back: Do you struggle with "taking it personally?" WHEN in particular is this true for you? What tends to trigger it? How do you respond, in the moment? Do you have any tricks that help you NOT to take things so personally? What do you wish you'd do differently? What sort of information/tips/training would really help you? Have you caught yourself “jumping to conclusions” about hidden messages in other people's actions? And later finding out that it was all a big ado about nothing? Or does it not apply to you? Have you ever been repeatedly stuck in this pattern? If you were, and moved past it, what was helpful to you?

HSP Topics: "Lowered Expectations" vs "Attainable Goals"

Recently, I've been thinking about how many HSPs struggle to put themselves "in the world" in order to achieve their goals or reach their dreams. A common subtext when this discussion comes up among HSPs often involves a lament that we feel like we have to "lower our expectations" in life because we're highly sensitive.

I just can't agree with the rather negative approach that brings to mind.

My Beloved often talks of how we must learn to view challenges and obstacles in terms of their highest possible interpretation and potential... and this happens to be a philosophy I strongly agree with. I'm by no means a Pollyanna, but let's pause and think, for a moment:

Wouldn't it make you feel better about yourself if you dropped the term "lowered expectations" and instead reframed what you were considering as setting an "attainable goal?"

If you take that a step further, consider this: Wouldn't it be depressing, in the long run, to always go in pursuit of an UNattainable goal?

As HSPs, we have a tendency to fall into patterns of negative self-talk. Part of this is often a result of taking a situation and spinning it as either "better than" or "worse than," rather than simply sticking to a more basic truth that our needs and talents are "DIFFERENT from" those of most people around us. Comparing ourselves to a "Type A" overachieving workaholic and feeling "less than" is hardly productive. Our task, in incorporating our sensitivity into our daily lives, is in understanding ourselves... and then making the most of that, rather than aspiring to "be like others."

As I once heard said at an HSP Gathering: "Comparisons are deadly. My life is MY life."

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Talk Back: Have you changed your goal setting, since learning you were an HSP? Are your goals attainable? Do you feel like you have "lowered" your expecations? Do you catch yourself going into a pattern of "comparing yourself" where comparisons actually do not make sense?

HSP Topics: How "out" are you, about being an HSP?

I've been thinking about some of the topics that often are "of concern" to HSPs, as we make our way through life. The following-- along with the related "How do I tell someone about the trait?" is a common topic of conversation at many HSP Gatherings, as well as in online forums.

How "out" are you, about being a Highly Sensitive Person?

Is it something you completely keep to yourself?

At the opposite end of the spectrum, is it something you openly tell people who ask (for example) why you're so bothered by noise, or finicky about your environment, or so sensitive to criticism, or whatever?

It seems that approaches very considerably.

I've gone through a whole series of ups and downs in the 13+ years I've been aware that I was an HSP. When I first read "The Highly Sensitive Person" (in 1997) I was both relieved, and seriously bummed. Relieved, because I realize that "it wasn't JUST me," but bummed because.... "highly sensitive???" I didn't want to be that, even though I was quite aware that it was my truth. There a difference between "being aware" that something is up, and facing the reality in print, in front of you.

So I pretty much "ignored" it, but continued learning by "observing myself" when various overwhelming situations would affect me. My girlfriend at the time knew. She thought it was "cute," if a bit annoying and slightly offensive.

I swung in the opposite direction once I learned enough to "phrase it" as a neurological trait. I used a couple of analogies a lot, to explain high sensitivity without calling myself "highly sensitive."

Sometimes I'd ask people if the lights of oncoming cars blinded them at night. They do affect most people, so it's a common reference point. Then I'd say "Now imagine going through life with everything you see 10 times as bright, and everything you hear 10 times as loud. That's how I experience life... and that's why I get tired and frazzled really easily." Or I'd use the "radio" analogy: You can tune a radio to the station of your choice, and set the volume where you want it. That's how most people "receive" life. "Now imagine a radio where ALL stations are a jumble on top of each other, and all are playing at full volume. That's how much of life feels to me, and that's why I often need to be alone, and very quiet."

I learned that most people either didn't really care, or still looked at me like I was a freak. A freak they now somewhat understood, but a freak, nonetheless.

So I went through another phase of "this is mine, and for me alone to know about and deal with."

During this same time, I started going to the national HSP Gatherings, and interacting "live" with other HSPs. The question of "how do you tell people?" and "DO you tell people?" was often hotly debated.

There was generally a consensus that "charging into life" waving an "I'm an HSP!" banner is pretty counterproductive. It just annoys people, just like it annoys people to be around someone whose primary topic of conversation is some "condition" they have, or how amazing they think they are because they quit smoking.

And yet, there was also consensus that (A) being highly sensitive is a very REAL thing, and therefore (B) we do have some sort of obligation to spread awareness of it, even if not through flag waving.

I guess these days I am "open, but selective." That is, I'll tell somebody if I genuinely think it will make a difference, or if I can intuit that they are genuinely interested.

I was coming back from the 2004 California Gathering, and the other person in the Super Shuttle from the airport back to Round Rock was making small talk about where we'd come from. And I said "a retreat in California." Well, she'd been to a Yoga workshop. So I took a chance when she wanted to know "what kind" of retreat, and said "A retreat for highly sensitive people" instead of "neuropsychology" (which, by the way, is ALSO true). And we actually ended up having a nice conversation because this was someone who was "somewhat alternative" in her own interests. Odds are she later looked for a copy of Elaine's book.

Bottom line is that whether I tell-- and what I tell-- depends on the person and the situation. No matter what, I try to take "baby steps" in ferreting out whether someone will be receptive, or not. And take it from there. My approach will also be quite different, if I am trying to tell someone who most likely is an HSP, themselves... but not aware that such a thing exists.

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Talk Back: How open are you about being an HSP? Do you feel comfortable telling people about the trait, or do you avoid doing so? Are you concerned about how it will be received? Do you have a good "elevator speech" about being an HSP, that you typically use?

Staying True to What Matters (part II)

I'd like to continue to explore the importance of "staying true to what matters to you," especially as it applies to HSPs.

Before I get started, though, I want to address a couple of private comments that arrived in my in-box as a result of my last post-- mostly relating to my being chided for taking the "Pink Fluffy Bunny Self-Growth Movement" to task.

If you re-read what I wrote, you'll see that I did NOT dismiss the "sweet and eternally sunny" approach to healing-- I merely suggested that it might be best suited to the neophyte, both with respect to learning about being an HSP, and subsequently entering a period of meaningful self-growth. The problem is that as the "student" advances, he or she runs an increased risk of getting "stuck" as more difficult questions-- NOT suited to being "lightfooted" over-- arise.

The second thing I'd like to say concerns the misconception that HSPs are-- by definition-- "all sweetness and light." Whereas it may make HSPs feel nice, warm and fuzzy to hold this belief about being sensitive, such an idea has little basis in truth and actually does us a great disservice... in a way it creates a false pressure to conform to something that is not real, like (for example) societal messages about "ideal body type." "Sensitive" does NOT equal "nice." Sensitive equals... well, sensitive. And I'm not even sure what the word "nice" means.

But I digress.

I believe that Staying True to What Matters is an enormously important concept. I say this not merely from personal experience, but from what I observe in those around me. On the whole, the most content people I come across are those who are pursuing their True Callings-- be it in work, in Love, spiritually, intellectually or whatever. As I said last time, HSPs are all about finding authenticity. What is also often true is that those in their Calling are willing to make certain sacrifices to BE in such a place.

Turning our backs on our authentic selves can have disastrous results. On the whole, the most depressed people I know are NOT the ones who are "drifting aimlessly," but the ones who have a good idea of "what they want most," and then erect a carefully crafted "Mountain of Reasons" why they "can't" follow their bliss.

"Yeah, that's easy for YOU to say. It's just not that simple. You have no idea how hard my life is."

"I have no idea who I am, nor any idea how I'd go about finding out."

"I can't just do that, because I have family, obligations, job, children, image, anxieties, fill in the blank."

All of the above are absolutely true! At the same time, they are also "not true," in the sense that they are ultimately excuses and rationalizations. And they tend to be firmly anchored in a world of absolutes ("Either/Or thinking") with no room for nuance, and sometimes even in a toxic pattern of compulsively "being the martyr" who wants something but "just can't HAVE it."

When you scrape beneath the surface, what often reveals itself is that we realize that we do have choices and free will, and that choices have consequences... and we're simply not willing (or ready, or we're fearful of) to face unpleasant consequences and negative feedback when we make certain choices. We're so deeply anchored in "what the world thinks about us" that we completely forget to consider what WE "think about us."

Allow me to share a favorite quote, by American writer Rita Mae Brown:

"The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself"

When you fail to respond to something your inner wisdom knows to be true, you are-- in essence-- conforming to some kind of outside influence. You are giving up your right to speak for yourself, instead allowing "the world" to speak for you.

If what you want to do is climb mountains, don't say "I can't do that!" and throw up a bunch of rationalizations. At the same time, nobody expects you to selfishly abandon your family and job and run off to climb a mountain. Instead, find a way to gradually incorporate mountain climbing into your existence. But don't lose sight of you want!

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Talk Back: Do you know that there is something you truly want in life? Are you making sure it "matters" in your life? Are you making excuses and rationalizations to NOT reach for what matters most to you? What are your reasons?