HSP Topics: "Lowered Expectations" vs "Attainable Goals"

Recently, I've been thinking about how many HSPs struggle to put themselves "in the world" in order to achieve their goals or reach their dreams. A common subtext when this discussion comes up among HSPs often involves a lament that we feel like we have to "lower our expectations" in life because we're highly sensitive.

I just can't agree with the rather negative approach that brings to mind.

My Beloved often talks of how we must learn to view challenges and obstacles in terms of their highest possible interpretation and potential... and this happens to be a philosophy I strongly agree with. I'm by no means a Pollyanna, but let's pause and think, for a moment:

Wouldn't it make you feel better about yourself if you dropped the term "lowered expectations" and instead reframed what you were considering as setting an "attainable goal?"

If you take that a step further, consider this: Wouldn't it be depressing, in the long run, to always go in pursuit of an UNattainable goal?

As HSPs, we have a tendency to fall into patterns of negative self-talk. Part of this is often a result of taking a situation and spinning it as either "better than" or "worse than," rather than simply sticking to a more basic truth that our needs and talents are "DIFFERENT from" those of most people around us. Comparing ourselves to a "Type A" overachieving workaholic and feeling "less than" is hardly productive. Our task, in incorporating our sensitivity into our daily lives, is in understanding ourselves... and then making the most of that, rather than aspiring to "be like others."

As I once heard said at an HSP Gathering: "Comparisons are deadly. My life is MY life."

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Talk Back: Have you changed your goal setting, since learning you were an HSP? Are your goals attainable? Do you feel like you have "lowered" your expecations? Do you catch yourself going into a pattern of "comparing yourself" where comparisons actually do not make sense?

HSP Topics: How "out" are you, about being an HSP?

I've been thinking about some of the topics that often are "of concern" to HSPs, as we make our way through life. The following-- along with the related "How do I tell someone about the trait?" is a common topic of conversation at many HSP Gatherings, as well as in online forums.

How "out" are you, about being a Highly Sensitive Person?

Is it something you completely keep to yourself?

At the opposite end of the spectrum, is it something you openly tell people who ask (for example) why you're so bothered by noise, or finicky about your environment, or so sensitive to criticism, or whatever?

It seems that approaches very considerably.

I've gone through a whole series of ups and downs in the 13+ years I've been aware that I was an HSP. When I first read "The Highly Sensitive Person" (in 1997) I was both relieved, and seriously bummed. Relieved, because I realize that "it wasn't JUST me," but bummed because.... "highly sensitive???" I didn't want to be that, even though I was quite aware that it was my truth. There a difference between "being aware" that something is up, and facing the reality in print, in front of you.

So I pretty much "ignored" it, but continued learning by "observing myself" when various overwhelming situations would affect me. My girlfriend at the time knew. She thought it was "cute," if a bit annoying and slightly offensive.

I swung in the opposite direction once I learned enough to "phrase it" as a neurological trait. I used a couple of analogies a lot, to explain high sensitivity without calling myself "highly sensitive."

Sometimes I'd ask people if the lights of oncoming cars blinded them at night. They do affect most people, so it's a common reference point. Then I'd say "Now imagine going through life with everything you see 10 times as bright, and everything you hear 10 times as loud. That's how I experience life... and that's why I get tired and frazzled really easily." Or I'd use the "radio" analogy: You can tune a radio to the station of your choice, and set the volume where you want it. That's how most people "receive" life. "Now imagine a radio where ALL stations are a jumble on top of each other, and all are playing at full volume. That's how much of life feels to me, and that's why I often need to be alone, and very quiet."

I learned that most people either didn't really care, or still looked at me like I was a freak. A freak they now somewhat understood, but a freak, nonetheless.

So I went through another phase of "this is mine, and for me alone to know about and deal with."

During this same time, I started going to the national HSP Gatherings, and interacting "live" with other HSPs. The question of "how do you tell people?" and "DO you tell people?" was often hotly debated.

There was generally a consensus that "charging into life" waving an "I'm an HSP!" banner is pretty counterproductive. It just annoys people, just like it annoys people to be around someone whose primary topic of conversation is some "condition" they have, or how amazing they think they are because they quit smoking.

And yet, there was also consensus that (A) being highly sensitive is a very REAL thing, and therefore (B) we do have some sort of obligation to spread awareness of it, even if not through flag waving.

I guess these days I am "open, but selective." That is, I'll tell somebody if I genuinely think it will make a difference, or if I can intuit that they are genuinely interested.

I was coming back from the 2004 California Gathering, and the other person in the Super Shuttle from the airport back to Round Rock was making small talk about where we'd come from. And I said "a retreat in California." Well, she'd been to a Yoga workshop. So I took a chance when she wanted to know "what kind" of retreat, and said "A retreat for highly sensitive people" instead of "neuropsychology" (which, by the way, is ALSO true). And we actually ended up having a nice conversation because this was someone who was "somewhat alternative" in her own interests. Odds are she later looked for a copy of Elaine's book.

Bottom line is that whether I tell-- and what I tell-- depends on the person and the situation. No matter what, I try to take "baby steps" in ferreting out whether someone will be receptive, or not. And take it from there. My approach will also be quite different, if I am trying to tell someone who most likely is an HSP, themselves... but not aware that such a thing exists.

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Talk Back: How open are you about being an HSP? Do you feel comfortable telling people about the trait, or do you avoid doing so? Are you concerned about how it will be received? Do you have a good "elevator speech" about being an HSP, that you typically use?

Staying True to What Matters (part II)

I'd like to continue to explore the importance of "staying true to what matters to you," especially as it applies to HSPs.

Before I get started, though, I want to address a couple of private comments that arrived in my in-box as a result of my last post-- mostly relating to my being chided for taking the "Pink Fluffy Bunny Self-Growth Movement" to task.

If you re-read what I wrote, you'll see that I did NOT dismiss the "sweet and eternally sunny" approach to healing-- I merely suggested that it might be best suited to the neophyte, both with respect to learning about being an HSP, and subsequently entering a period of meaningful self-growth. The problem is that as the "student" advances, he or she runs an increased risk of getting "stuck" as more difficult questions-- NOT suited to being "lightfooted" over-- arise.

The second thing I'd like to say concerns the misconception that HSPs are-- by definition-- "all sweetness and light." Whereas it may make HSPs feel nice, warm and fuzzy to hold this belief about being sensitive, such an idea has little basis in truth and actually does us a great disservice... in a way it creates a false pressure to conform to something that is not real, like (for example) societal messages about "ideal body type." "Sensitive" does NOT equal "nice." Sensitive equals... well, sensitive. And I'm not even sure what the word "nice" means.

But I digress.

I believe that Staying True to What Matters is an enormously important concept. I say this not merely from personal experience, but from what I observe in those around me. On the whole, the most content people I come across are those who are pursuing their True Callings-- be it in work, in Love, spiritually, intellectually or whatever. As I said last time, HSPs are all about finding authenticity. What is also often true is that those in their Calling are willing to make certain sacrifices to BE in such a place.

Turning our backs on our authentic selves can have disastrous results. On the whole, the most depressed people I know are NOT the ones who are "drifting aimlessly," but the ones who have a good idea of "what they want most," and then erect a carefully crafted "Mountain of Reasons" why they "can't" follow their bliss.

"Yeah, that's easy for YOU to say. It's just not that simple. You have no idea how hard my life is."

"I have no idea who I am, nor any idea how I'd go about finding out."

"I can't just do that, because I have family, obligations, job, children, image, anxieties, fill in the blank."

All of the above are absolutely true! At the same time, they are also "not true," in the sense that they are ultimately excuses and rationalizations. And they tend to be firmly anchored in a world of absolutes ("Either/Or thinking") with no room for nuance, and sometimes even in a toxic pattern of compulsively "being the martyr" who wants something but "just can't HAVE it."

When you scrape beneath the surface, what often reveals itself is that we realize that we do have choices and free will, and that choices have consequences... and we're simply not willing (or ready, or we're fearful of) to face unpleasant consequences and negative feedback when we make certain choices. We're so deeply anchored in "what the world thinks about us" that we completely forget to consider what WE "think about us."

Allow me to share a favorite quote, by American writer Rita Mae Brown:

"The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself"

When you fail to respond to something your inner wisdom knows to be true, you are-- in essence-- conforming to some kind of outside influence. You are giving up your right to speak for yourself, instead allowing "the world" to speak for you.

If what you want to do is climb mountains, don't say "I can't do that!" and throw up a bunch of rationalizations. At the same time, nobody expects you to selfishly abandon your family and job and run off to climb a mountain. Instead, find a way to gradually incorporate mountain climbing into your existence. But don't lose sight of you want!

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Talk Back: Do you know that there is something you truly want in life? Are you making sure it "matters" in your life? Are you making excuses and rationalizations to NOT reach for what matters most to you? What are your reasons?

Staying True to What Matters (Part I)

I was never a big follower of the "Pink Fluffy Bunny New Age Spiritual and Personal Enlightenment Movement."

Let me explain. I have been a thorough part of it, and I have learned much about the world from it. And I'd go so far as to suggest that it has definite value in the world, especially for those who are feeling fragile after being brought face-to-face with questions about the meaning of their life after some kind of massive personal crisis and meltdown. Seriously? Such are times when we can use some hand holding, affirmation, hugs and validation... and maybe sitting around saying "I'm worthy!" over and over while smelling rose essences helps lead us through the darkness.

I believe it's also an excellent "entry point" for those who are just starting to examine self-exploration and personal growth. Let's face it, when we're poking at "new territory," we probably don't want to hear someone say "Stop whining, it doesn't matter, you don't matter, get over yourself!" At least it would discourage many-- especially HSPs with easily hurt feelings-- from seeking deeper and more meaningful answers.

In the long run, though, it's my opinion that a "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" approach sells us a bag of goods, on the greater scale of self-development. Why? Because of a myopic tendency to take serious life problems and window dress them with pink chiffon, delicate flowers, dancing unicorns and positive affirmations... after which people "leave the scene" with the impression they are "healed," even while the original wounds fester below, unaddressed.

Over the years, a large segment of the HSP "community" has developed an unfortunate tendency to get mired down in toothless "happy making" (there are exceptions) as the path to personal growth-- but I don't feel like it serves us well. Or maybe it serves us marginally and temporarily, but without helping us make real and permanent positive changes in our lives.

In a sense, we're choosing to substitute "validation" for "healing."

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the underlying premise: HSPs most often arrive into adult life feeling marginalized, unheard, unseen, judged and put upon (goodness knows, I did!) by a world that not only doesn't seem to "get" them, but doesn't seem to want to get them. As a result, the knee-jerk therapeutic ("helping") response swings the pendulum in the extreme opposite direction with a "Let's validate everything you say, support all your psychoses as 'normal' and heal you through never disagreeing with you" approach.

Not so good.

Instead of healing the wounds resulting from marginalization and low self-esteem, they are glossed over while we create a new set of wounds centered around a false sense of "OK-ness" that results in hurt feelings every time something doesn't turn out the way we "think it should."

Newsflash: Life doesn't turn out that way for ANYone. Rarely, anyway.

Maybe I'm pissing you off, with these words. That's OK... really, it is. I write this because I am a "concerned citizen" of the HSP community. As the year turned and it became 2010, I realized that it is my 13th year of playing this gig; my 13th year since I learned there was a neuroscientific label for the stranger aspects of "being me."

Why am I concerned?

Because it saddens me to see fellow HSPs "get stuck" in their lives. Get stuck, because they allow themselves to use a blanket "because I'm an HSP" excuse to avoid facing a myriad situations that could actually lead to a richer more fulfilling life. And... especially... situations that involve looking at some dirty, nasty and unpleasant insight and personal growth issues.

Franky? We deserve better!

HSPs are all about authenticity, and about finding deeper meaning in life. As such, we owe it to the world, and to ourselves, to stay True to what really matters to us... and as long as gloss over our deeper natures with platitudes, niceties and excessively affirmational therapies we will tend to stray from that course.

And if you think about it... usually we learn the most from those who tell us things we really would rather not hear.

More to come, on the topic of HSPs and "Staying True to What Matters."

HSPs and the Season of Giving: Reprise

This month, many of my thoughts have been dedicated to the concepts of giving and making a difference. You've seen several posts here, related to giving and charity.

I've forsaken my annual "advice column" on dealing with the stress of the holidays in favor of looking at core values, and what this time of the year really means... or could mean.

Part of my focus here, has been a bit of an examination of apathy. A deeper look at our tendency to readily "be concerned" (and even "horrified") by events and needs around us, and yet we sit passively as spectators and observers... heartily agreeing that something that's going on in the moment is "horrible," yet we do not even the simplest thing to make a difference.

I have written-- in the past-- about our tendency to get trapped by "all-or-nothing" thinking, when it comes to making a difference in the world. We don't take the time to make "little differences" because we perceive them as being insignificant, and not making a difference. Yet, when we look at the history of social change and general life improvement for all, it is extremely evident that far more "massive changes" are the result of "millions, each doing a little" than "a few, each doing a lot."

There are some interesting dichotomies associated with this HSP trait of ours. The one I find most noteworthy, is the strange and conflicted intersection of a deep sense of idealism and wanting to better the world and right wrongs... crossed with a hesitancy of being "in the world" that leaves many choosing the sidelines, from where they observe, rather than participate.

Well, it is Christmas Eve. I wish a Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and Happy Holidays, to all others.

As for the charity that was part of recent entries here... in spite of much publicity, and concerted effort by those who did get involved, we did not come up with enough votes to reach the final stage of the grant process. But... we gave it a good try!

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Talk Back! When you are honest with yourself, do you find that you often chose to "observe" rather than "participate?" Is your idealism more of an "idea" than a "reality?" What do you feel would have to change, in order for you to be more actively involved?

If this were Porn, we'd have 100,000 votes....

At the end of my last post about "Giving and Apathy," I promised I'd come back and update on the cause I'd gotten involved with.

A week has passed, and I'm sad to report that the apathy of the world continues to reign supreme.

Perhaps the most poignant comment I received came from a friend (who DID participate, and thank you for that!) who observed the following:

"If this were porn, we'd have 100,000 votes already!"

Sad, but probably true.

His observation-- along with some of the feedback I received directly-- made me feel sad and disturbed about the broader state of the Human Condition, regardless of whether we're HSPs, or not.

What matters?
What do we MAKE matter?
Where do we place our priorities?

Perhaps what made me feel MOST sad was the sheer number of responses (by email, or direct message) I got, offering me reasons, rationalizations and excuses to NOT participate. My point being that these people had anywhere from five to thirty minutes of "spare" time to write me an explanation (about feeling overwhelmed, about it not being "their" charity, about not supporting anything "corporate" you name it), but NOT one minute of time to just harmlessly participate, at no expense or exposure to them.

I suddenly became aware that "excuses" actually outnumbered "votes."

It reminded me of something I recently witnessed.

Back in October, I was standing in my local Safeway grocery store, waiting for the Customer Service Counter staff to figure something out with the Grocery Manager, as to whether or not a particular product could be ordered. As a result, I stood outside the busy checkstands for about 15 minutes.

At that time, the local high school was having a fundraising drive. They evidently had found a sponsor who'd donate the equivalent of 5% of the "value" of all grocery receipts they could collect and turn in to the sponsor, to get cash to build a "haunted house" for Halloween, or something like that. The short of it was, that if you (the grocery shopper) gave the kid your $100 grocery receipt, they'd be able to turn it over for a $5 cash donation.

ALL they had to do was collect grocery receipts from patrons who'd finished shopping. Grocery receipts that most likely would be thrown away, 15 minutes later.

I watched in amazement as these high school kids would approach departing customers (and this was WITH Safeway's blessing, I should add), explain what they were doing, and politely ask if they could have that person's grocery receipt. What stunned me was that probably 80% (or more) of the patrons asked to give up their receipt said "no," or looked the other way and hurried out of the store.

I share this, because it was another example of people being broadly unwilling (in my opinion, "apathetic") to make a free contribution that would take five seconds of their time. So often-- it seems-- we just automatically get defensive and bark "no!" without even hearing what something is actually about; just assuming that it will "cost" us.

Allow me to bring some more "global" threads into this-- let's back off and take the "50,000-foot view."

This morning Sarah (my honey) commented on a Rolling Stone article she'd read about global warming, and just how hosed we're getting. Global warming-- a MUCH bigger issue than a community charity-- is yet another example (in the "meta pattern" sense) of apathy, and not caring.

Her words, in turn, reminded me of a TED talk I watched yesterday, about a man who spent 17 years in silence, in support of environmental change. You can watch the video here-- it ALSO won't cost you anything, aside from twenty minutes of your time. Or I can just share that MY primary "takeaway" was that ultimately WE are "the environment." And our surroundings are largely a reflection of how we treat each other, and what we make important, in our lives.

Do we care?
Do we help?
Do we act from a place of being aware and mindful?

Then, in that lovely way of synchronicities, an HSP friend wrote a powerful piece on the importance of stepping up and being seen, as HSPs. Again, a highly recommended read-- won't cost you a dime, just a little time. If you don't subscribe to her blog, you should.

Anyway, to bring this full circle, we have two days left to go in adding votes for the cause I mentioned in my last post. If you want to participate, we appreciate it-- just click on the banner, which will open a Facebook page (you may have to register) where you follow simple instructions to vote. No cost. No salesman will call. If you get lost (I can't imagine you would) you can come back here and try again. The deal ends December 11th.




If you don't vote, I forgive you. What I DO ask of you is that you pause and consider "what matters" to you, and whether or not you're actively engaged in what matters to you... in your community, in your life. Because the problem (and solutions) begins with YOU, and "intending to" is not enough.

To quote Yoda: "Do. Do not. There is no TRY."

HSPs, the Season of Giving, Doing Good and Apathy

One of the things I like most about HSPs is that we tend to have a more giving and compassionate nature than most people out there. One of the things I don't like about HSPs is our tendency to be tentative and even apathetic, when it comes to making a difference.

I've been told-- by more than a few readers of this blog-- that part of the reason they read is that I don't tend to sugar coat life as a sensitive person, and I don't feel compelled to characterize HSPs as pink fluffy bunnies dancing through the meadows. Not that pink fluffy bunnies don't have a place in the world, mind you. Sometimes, I even rattle a few people's cages... so let me rattle yours, for a moment.

We're entering the holiday season, and I have been pausing to ponder the true meaning of this time of the year, apart from the general explosion of overconsumption that otherwise dominates the landscape and airwaves.

This is the season of giving.

Not "giving" in the sense of fancy baubles purchased from the store, but giving of ourselves; giving from the heart. Doing things to make the world a better place.

What have you GIVEN, lately?

Sometimes I am stunned by the apathy of the world. Someone near and dear to me (who happens to be an HSP) is trying to rally support for a cause she really believes in. She was sharing with me how she'd contacted all manners of people she knew and had gotten what-- at least in my opinion-- is a very apathetic response.

Now I can appreciate the fact that we all get bombarded with requests for donations to charity during the holidays-- and times a tight. However, that completely misses the point of my friend's story.

You see, she wasn't asking for money. She wasn't asking for people to do work. She wasn't asking for hours of time. She wasn't contacting strangers, she was contacting people she already knew. All she did was ask people to use a few moments of their online time to visit a web site and VOTE for her cause in a contest, so that they might have a chance at winning $25,000 someone ELSE is already committed to donate.

100's of emails, yet hardly anyone could find two minutes of their time to make a few clicks to cast a vote online. My cynical side says "and these are the same people who have 30 minutes handy to play solitaire on their computer, or spend hours cultivating the cornucopia of apps on Facebook, or tweeting the content of their last sandwich to the twitterverse."

The story was interesting enough to me that I decided to pick it up for this blog, and for my other web presences... and to write a sort of "challenge" to people. How apathetic ARE we, really? We like to SAY that we "care," but do our actions match those words?

Someone you know asks you (during the "season of giving," remember?) for two minutes of your time, no cost involved, so that a greater good can be served. Do you just sit on your hands? Or do you say "yes, I CAN do that for you" and help out?

Perhaps I should add that the cause in question wasn't "weird" or "controversial." It's a community theatre in Carmel, CA, which helps 1000s of kids every year. As much as HSPs tend to enjoy the arts, it's a natural "fit" as something HSPs would be supportive of... hence my additional surprise at the very "modest" response my friend received.

So, what's wrong with this picture?

Maybe people were put off by the fact that the host site where the voting takes place works through the Facebook social network.

"I don't want to be part of that. I don't trust them. I don't want a Facebook account. It's just for kids. They'll steal my identity."

I've heard those excuses for years, especially from the HSP community. Fact is that Facebook wouldn't have gotten to have 350 MILLION members by being untrustworthy and being "just for kids." Ever see a facebook ad on TV? Or in a magazine? Or in a newspaper? Neither have I.. because it's completely "viral," as a result of friends telling friends... and when you recommend something to friend, it's usually because it's GOOD, right?

"An HSP would never be part of a social network!"

Malarkey!

Many of the HSPs I have met personally, or know through web groups are on Facebook. Guess what? I actually got ON Facebook to stay in touch with HSPs I'd met at HSP Gatherings! Guess what else? There are two HSP groups on Facebook, and both are among the five largest online HSP Communities in the world.

Anyway, what's the point of this article?

I was asked if I would do something simple-- go to a web site, register, and vote for someone's charity to receive someone ELSE's money. And so I did... a few minutes of my time, a worthy cause; no cost to me.

Then I heard the feedback from my friend, and became ashamed at how apathetic the world is. So, I decided to make this MY cause, as well-- as a bit of a "social experiment." I took the next step: help spread the word.

Now I'm asking YOU.

Would you give a few minutes of your web time to help a good cause, at no cost to you?

If the answer is yes, click the small blue banner below. And follow the instructions. If you get lost, I've made it so the link opens a new tab in your browser. You can just come back here and click on the banner again, to get back to where you were.




And yes, I'll come back and update. And I'd appreciate it if YOU came back and commented on what YOU did, too.

HSPs and the Power of Saying "No"

Over the years, I have written a number of posts here, about various aspects of "boundary setting," as it relates specifically to HSPs.

As a group of people, HSPs probably have more issues with poorly defined (or completely lacking) personal boundaries than the population at large. One of the great challenges for the HSP is using the word "no." Of course, many non-HSPs also struggle with saying no, and with a sense of "guilt" when they do say no.

"No" is a simple little word, and yet it's extremely powerful in terms of helping us establish personal boundaries, keep our sanity, and prevent us from becoming horribly overwhelmed by the "stuff of life."

So why are we so afraid to use it?

Based on talking to hundreds of HSPs over the past decade, the underlying reasons and rationalizations are many and varied. Perhaps you know some of them.

Top of the list is the basic fear that people won't like us (or won't love us) if we tell them no. Someone comes to us with some kind of request or problem... and some small (and sometimes LARGE) demon on our shoulder tells us we can't say no, even though we already have 372 things to accomplish during the coming week. Ultimately, this is a self-esteem issue-- the core fear being that we (falsely) perceive that we're only lovable as human DOINGS not as human BEINGS, and that our friends, family and other acquaintances will reject us, unless we do their bidding.

The irony of the above scenario is that it often contains an element of truth: Those who are overly accommodating often draw to themselves people who are looking for a free ride... people who will, indeed, "reject us," should we sudenly not serve their needs, at all times. And so, part of the challenge becomes to step back and ask ourselves if we really want these people in our lives.

This "fear of rejection" can be especially strong in family situations where the choice "to end the relationship" is off the table. Perhaps we are taught to "obey our parents" and so we perceive it unthinkable to say "no" when they "tell" us we should become a lawyer, when we really want to be an artist. Conversely, parents may fear their children will "reject" them for saying "no," in any number of scenarios. And yet... unless the child learns to say no, they will grow up to question nothing in life; if the parent never says no, the child remains "a child" and eternally dependent.

Another common reason HSPs don't say "no" has to do with the fact that we are often highly capable, conscientious and responsible individuals. Because we tend to introspect and have an interest in self-development and learning, we're often more educated and better informed than many. In the simplest terms, we often are "the best person for the job" when something comes up.

A few years ago, I led a small workgroup on "HSPs and work" at an HSP retreat. As I recall, there were nine people in our group... and an interesting commonality we uncovered was that every single one of us had repeatedly found ourselves in the position of being "manager, by default." That is, some project came along, and even though we had NO interest in leading it and were basically minding our own business, we somehow ended up as "the person in charge." Someone said (for example) "You know, Peter knows more about this stuff than ANYone else here-- HE should really lead the project."

Sometimes these situations unfold subtly and indirectly... nobody actually forces us. We look at something and decide/realize that it will "never get done" unless we take it on... and next thing we know, a simple desire to "help out a bit" has resulted in our becoming "in charge of everything." Either way, we forget to back away and consider the possibility that it is simply not our job to be in charge of something, simply because we happen to be "the best" at it. And if someone pushes the leadership baton towards us, we are within our rights to say "no thank you."

Loosely tied to the above is a general fear or avoidance of confrontation, common in HSPs. Many of us don't like to "cause waves" or "stir the pot," and we are generally extremely sensitive to causing others discomfort and annoyance. And so, rather than standing our ground and saying no, we go along with the flow... often to our detriment.

Something else I've frequently come across, in talking to HSPs, is that we have a tendency to obsess a bit, about "what others are thinking of us." Although we may not like to look at this less-than-pretty aspect of our HSP-ness, we often have an ego attachment to what others think of us. Specifically, we develop a self-image as "helpful" and/or "nice people." And then we project onto this reality that "nice people don't say no, when asked to help."

Of course, being able to set boundaries and say "no" has little to do with being nice, and a lot to do with unhealthy co-dependency.

"No" is a standalone word. It doesn't need to be extensively "window dressed" with rationalizations, explanations, excuses and justifications. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn... and from the people I've spoken to about this topic, I am not alone. Even when we DO use the word "no," our tendency is to provide all this excess "wrapping" in order to feel less guilty about turning someone down.

Some person we don't really like says "I'm having a party next week, can you come?" and we go off on a really long song and dance about all the things we need to get done, and visiting our parents out-of-town the day before, and getting in late, and... and... maybe we end up at a non-committal "Well, I'll TRY to come," even though we know perfectly well that we have no intention of going.

Seriously? There is no such thing as "trying" to go to a party. What is going to happen? "Well, I was driving down the street to your house, but every time I got the the four-way stop, my car mysteriously kept turning left all by itself, and just couldn't get all the way down the street. I tried fourteen times, before I gave up and went home. Sorry."

All that's needed is a neutral "No, I won't be able to come."

Some might tell me "but they'll ask WHY!"

The follow-up would be "I'm really not comfortably discussing that."

Some person asks you to help them with computer troubles, and you already don't know how you're going to make it through the week. Maybe they are a good friend... but you must prioritize. Again, the song and dance of the 100 reasons why you're busy is not necessary.

A simple "No, I'm really busy this week" will suffice.

"But then my project will be late!"

Whereas that may be true, it's not your responsibility, because it is not your project. If it's an extreme priority for them, they CAN call "Nerds to Go," or someone else who fixes computers for a living.

In these cases, the "boundary issue" is also about assuming responsibility for the outcome of someone else's life. That may be appropriate if we have children, or the person in question is working for us and their outcome does affect our life. But otherwise? Not so much.

As a business consultant, writer and newsletter creator/editor some years back, one of the issues I had to deal with was no longer doing the extensive "pro bono" work I was doing for friends, and "barely friends." I'd get asked (constantly!) if I could create a newsletter for someone's business or organization, or give them advice on starting their own business. Asking your friends for a free consult is akin to asking the doctor you befriend at the dinner party if she'll examine the wart in your ear, over cocktails.

Now, I'm not someone who's just going to coldly "blow off" my friends. So I had to develop a compromise. What I eventually settled on was recognizing my friends who asked for advice as "special," by inviting them to set up an appointment, and giving them 50% off my normal rates for an initial consult... and then offered a "sliding scale" rate (but NEVER less than 50% off) if they wanted to have follow-up advice/work done. It made THEM feel like I cared, and ME feel like I was still getting paid... and it mostly allowed me to skirt the "outright no" issue.

Whereas "no" tends to be a very definitive and clear-cut word, it doesn't have to be "absolute." We can always choose to create a situation based around "mostly no, but with conditions."

"No" is a very important word, especially for HSPs. It helps us establish boundaries, and it also helps us "map" our priorities. As long as we never say no, everything ends up having equal priority, no matter what we think.

As I close this out, it occurs to me that I ought to address the fact that learning to say "no" (and standing by our no's) is not easy. It may feel wrong to you, for a while. You may feel like your self-image is being challenged. You may feel shaky and anxious, the first few times you tell that pushy co-worker that no, you will NOT file their report, as well as their own, because they want to leave early for happy hour. You may get your feelings hurt when certain people decide they no longer want to be your friend. Then you may get your feelings hurt a second time, when you realize that those same "friends" only were hanging around to "get your free stuff."

As a final side note, I'd like to add that it often holds true that the most rewarding relationships we have, with emotionally healthy people tend to be the result of having healthy boundaries, not the result of indiscriminately agreeing to what everyone else wants us to be, do, or say.

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Talk Back: Do you have a difficult time saying no? Do you often find that you are carrying other people's workload, because you set inadequate boundaries? DO you often feel like your "good nature" is being taken advantage of? Are you afraid that "people won't love you" if you say no? Or they'll think you're a "bad person?" Alternately, have you successfully learned to set healthy boundaries? Please share your experiences and leave a comment!