HSPs, Choices and the "Chaotic" People in Our Lives

I have been spending a few days among the red rocks of Sedona, Arizona-- one of my favorite places on the planet. Although it's really a "working" vacation-- Sarah was giving a workshop here, and we had some people to see-- being away from home and familiar surroundings is always a good time to pause and reflect... and to generally think about the deeper issues in our world.

In the course of being part of the HSP community for many years, it has often struck me how often HSPs seem to become "embroiled in drama," often involving abusive, needy, usary or outright crazy people.

Bell Rock in Sedona, up close and personal

Although most vehemently will defend their own "innocence" in these chaotic relationships, it has also struck me how often chaotic and hurtful situations arise not "because of other people," but as a result of our own choices, needs and the way we feel about ourselves.

What is really going on, when we have a "chaos monger" in our lives? Why do we choose them? And I'm sorry, but NO... we're not just "innocent bystanders," at least most of the time.

There are typically two really common dynamics at play... both of which are related to our senses of self... and, by extension, dubious self-esteem.

In one scenario, an almost compulsive "need to help" drives us to-- basically-- to surround ourselves with people who need "help." Many would argue that it's "compassionate" and "the right thing" to help those who are struggling... and that's a valid point. However... there is a price to pay (overstimulation, exhaustion, frustration) for being the perpetual "caretaker" for someone who doesn't attempt to solve their own issues and expects us to be eternally accountable for their issues.

Red rocks of Sedona, AZ

Many would say "But I didn't CHOOSE these people!" and maybe that's true, in an "active" sense... as in, we don't go out there and openly advertise "I want to look after life's hopeless needy nutballs," but what does happen is that we don't start saying "no" as their obvious-- as well as subtle and subconscious-- demands start to manifest and increasingly ramp up. In the longer term... we HSPs end up "holding the bag" where someone with healthier boundaries (and less "investment" in being perceived as compassionate) would long since have said "sorry, you're a drain on my life, get lost!"

But how is it that we are actually accountable, here? Usually the problem is that we feel like we have no "personal value," aside from how it's measured by our capacity to "take care of" others... and "help them when they are troubled." In other word, we don't perceive ourselves being valuable as human beings, if we're not "caretaking." Think about it, for a moment... not on the "surface," but at its deepest level... who would you be, if you were not always taking care of your needy friend's latest crisis? Who would you be, if you were not lamenting that all your time and bandwidth was being used up, by someone else?

These are not intended as "blaming" questions... merely as a deeper line of self-inquiry.

The above, of course, is a fear based response... often learned in childhood and youth, from our families of origin who perhaps marginalized and diminished us unless we were "useful."

Closely related is a second scenario, also fear based: It is a general fear of "strong" people who have their lives together. We fear we are "small and inadequate" in their company, and that they couldn't possibly be interested in spending time with us, because their lives seem so much more successful and "together" than our own... and so we fear they would "abandon" us, once they discover the "truth" about how small and seemingly insignificant and boring our lives are. In short, we lack a sense of "worthiness," in their company.

So, when we put the two together (as sometimes happens), not only to we choose to "hang onto" people who are using us and causing us grief, but we also end up feeling afraid to choose the company of those who would actually be good for us, because we fell like we are "less than" they are.

There is not an "easy fix" here... but the road to healing and moving to a better place with ourselves starts with simple awareness of our own patterns; of the choices that are causing us grief.

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What do YOU think? Do you often feel like you're surrounded by people who need to be "taken care of?" Does their presence exhaust you? Does it feel like they just have "insinuated themselves" there? Have you ever considered that you-- by your direct or indirect actions-- INVITED them to be there? Does it sometimes feel like you wish you had "more together" friends... yet you feel intimidated by people who seem to "have it all together?" Please leave a comment and share your experiences!

If You're an HSP-- It's Time to Stand up and be Counted!

There are a great many traits, characteristics, interests, behaviors, conditions and preferences that influence our lives.

Maybe we are HSP's-- Highly Sensitive Persons. Maybe we are "introverts." Maybe we have "allergies." Maybe we identify with a Myers-Briggs type preference like "INFJ" or we prefer an enneagram type like "Type Nine." Maybe we're "ADHD" or have "CFS" or are prone to "anxiety." Maybe we are "gifted" or "empaths." Whatever the identifiers might be, it all adds up to some kind of "acronym soup."

Don't misunderstand-- I have nothing against "acronym soup;" I actually believe all these different labels can offer us very useful insights that help us navigate life. They only become an "issue" if we reach a point where we substitute "the label" for "who we truly ARE."

Which bring me to a particular statistic I like to send through my twitter account on a regular basis:

HSP factoid: If HSPs are truly 15% of the population, there are over ONE BILLION of us on the planet!

Pretty stunning piece of information, don't you think?

The above is based on Elaine Aron's original research which shows that 15-20% of the population are HSPs. I'm using the "conservative" lower number, here. As I write these words, the "population clock" on the U.S. Census web site estimates the world population to be 7,078,772,000 people. It estimates the population of the United States to be 315,673,000 people. If you use the 15% figure, that means:

There are an estimated 1,061,815,800 Highly Sensitive Persons on planet Earth.
There are an estimated 47,350,950 Highly Sensitive Persons in the United States.

Let that sink in, for a moment.

Pretty amazing, isn't it?

Now consider this: If there truly are so many HSPs... where on earth are they?

The other day, I was on a busy commuter time ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island. As I wandered around to pass the time on the 30-minute crossing, it occurred to me that since I was in close proximity to 2500-odd people, it also meant there were probably 400 HSPs within a few hundred feet of me.

It made me pause to consider a simple question: How many of them KNOW they are HSPs? Then the follow-up question: How would their lives be different, if they did know?

I spent the next 20 minutes sitting in the car, in my version of "deep thought." It occurred to me that there are lots and lots of "attributes" found in a significant percentage of the population, as well as some found in maybe only 1-2% and they all get lots more attention than "being an HSP." More people are aware of them, more people talk about them, and each of them have more to say about it.

I went looking for HSPs on the web, and considering how many of us there are and that the idea has been "in the public arena" for over 15 years, I was amazed at just how invisible we are. And in the few places where we are visible, how little we participate.

So I went on a longer "journey," trying to figure out where "we" are.

First I looked at HSPs as compared to other interests or attributes. I visited some INFJ Myers-Briggs/Jungian typology forums which were among my old haunts. It seemed relevant since the majority of INFJs are also HSPs. An INFJ forum I used to belong to currently has about 7400 members with hundreds of discussions every day.

This, for an "interest" that's present in less than 1.5% of the general population. By comparison, the largest and most active HSP group online is on Facebook and has about 2500 members.

To compare something different, I looked at introverts online. 70-75% of HSPs are introverts, and HSPs account for something on the order of half the world's introverts... so there's a lot of overlap, as well as some similarities and negative biases-- introverts are often seen as "too quiet" and "shy," by the world.

I found the introvert communities online to be thriving and active. I found it ironic that author Susan Cain's (she wrote the book "Quiet" and is also an HSP) forum just for her book is almost twice the size of the largest HSP forum.

So I decided to take a different approach-- looking at high sensitivity from the angle of being more of a "problem" than an "interest." Back in days long gone, I was part of an online community offering support for those suffering from social anxiety-- an issue more than a few HSPs report to be part of their lives.

Social Anxiety affects an estimated 5% of the population, compared to 15-20% HSPs. My reasoning for going this route was that maybe HSPs are quiet about the trait because of hesitance that it's seen negatively. Similarly, Social Anxiety carries a bit of a negative connotation and stigma.

I was surprised to find that the old SA community online now has 115,000 members who have contributed millions of discussions. And that's just one of many such forums. In a related sense, I looked at an ADHD forum I'm vaguely acquainted with. Again a condition affecting maybe 6-8% of the population... here the forum (one of numerous) had some 71,000 members and lots of active dialogue. So, clearly, "fears of being perceived negatively" does not prevent people from participating in online communities.

By now, this was getting increasingly puzzling to me. Being a Highly Sensitive Person is something that clearly affects people's lives, clearly suggests the need to educate oneself and develop good life management skills, and clearly is a trait whose members benefit greatly from "peer connections" to share ideas and information.

Not happy with what I was finding, I did a little further digging, this time using my experience as a webmaster, researcher and e-commerce marketer.

Here's what I found: On one hand, more people are looking for information about high sensitivity and HSPs than ever before-- a trend that has been in place for at least eight years. During the same period, search queries for both Social Anxiety and ADHD have actually declined somewhat, while search volume for INFJs and Introverts have both increased.

After finally examining the "raw numbers" of search queries for different terms, some of the issue became clearer: In spite of being in the public awareness since 1996, there just aren't that many of the world's billion+ HSPs who know the trait even exists. And those who do know? They generally avoid talking about it... like it's a "secret" attribute.

That also gave me pause for thought. People seem more willing to be open about having a sexually transmitted disease than about being highly sensitive??? That just does not make sense, when you back away and consider it in a "big picture" sense....

Getting a little more "personal" with what I discovered, a very rough estimate would suggest that maybe two percent of the 47 million HSPs in the US are even aware they are "HSPs." Of those two percent, I expect a majority are very hesitant about letting anyone "know" about it.

But that's not all the explanation. More can be found in the phrase "non-participation." As keeper of several dozen web sites, blogs and forums I get to look at a lot of site visitor logs. Ironically, my HSP related properties (as opposed to "business" or "writing" or "stamp collecting") are some of the most visited, while at the same time being the least interactive.

I recently experimented a bit with this by installing a couple of totally anonymous interactive polls on a couple of HSP-related articles I have online. Sure enough, as long as anonymity was assured, participation shot up... with something like one-in-three visitors answering a couple of questions where before one-in-about-500 had chosen to make even a short comment, or click the Facebook "like" button.

What does this all mean to us, as highly sensitive people; as a growing global "community?"

From 15-odd years of following the dialogue and trends of HSP forums around the world, one of our overriding core concerns is having those around us recognize that we're "not crazy," and that our sensitivity is "not all in our heads." Ideally we'd like to be able to say "I'm an HSP" and not have the ensuing explanation turn into someone rolling their eyes at us.

Basically, we want to "be seen" as highly sensitive individuals, without negative judgments or cultural biases. We want our medical and mental health professionals to be aware of-- and acknowledge-- the trait, so we can get care that fits our sensitive nervous systems, rather than ignores them. We don't ask for "special treatment," just validation.

These are reasonable and honorable aspirations.

But... to be perfectly blunt... how the HELL do we expect that to happen if we're constantly "hiding" the fact that we're highly sensitive? How can things possibly change if we're not telling anyone, and not becoming members of-- and active participants in-- virtual and real life groups and communities??? How are the 46 million HSPs in the US who don't know about the trait ever going to escape from being misdiagnosed and drugged into oblivion for an ever-increasing basket of "disorders" and "syndromes" when we're not willing to be "visible examples" to them? How are they going to get off the "pathologization treadmill" and live fulfilling lives that are true representations of their essential selves... if we're going to persist in hiding our sensitive "lights" under a bushel?

Yes, the world is sometimes a harsh and scary place for the highly sensitive among us. And yes, it hurts when people judge us and marginalize us. But how can we expect things to "change" as long as we approach sensitivity with more secrecy and reluctance than social anxiety and even warts on our privates? How will things ever change, if we're not willing to STAND UP AND BE COUNTED??

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Talk Back! Do you feel free to share (if asked) that you're highly sensitive, or do you have fears about others knowing you are an HSP? If you step back and take an objective look, are there "personal" things you share that are probably "worse" than being highly sensitive, yet seem easier to talk about? If you don't share the trait (especially if asked something like "what's wrong?"), what is your primary concern about sharing? Please share your experience and leave a comment!

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The Nuts and Bolts of being a Highly Sensitive Person

I haven't been writing much, as of late.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've actually been writing quite a lot... I just haven't been writing a lot of blog posts. Instead, I have been writing some "guest gigs" elsewhere, and I have been working on free-standing articles for various publications and web sites... things that are generally a little too deep and "involved" to fit into a blog post.

It's funny how our choices and actions in life sometimes are among our best "teachers" of what is important to us. I always knew that I wanted to write... but "just writing" was an obstacle for many years in the sense that I wasn't always very good about coming up with "something" to write about. I had no particular expertise or "niche focus," and my skills at writing fiction were a bit dodgy because I fairly broadly sucked in the area of character development. I could write dialogue, I could write descriptive prose, and I could "get from point A, to point B" with some skill. However, the people in my stories were rarely "interesting." In fact, they were mostly mousy, flat and two-dimensional... perhaps a reflection of the fact that I generally steered a wide course around "risky," "dangerous" and "psychotic" people.

Anyway, I never imagined that "being a Highly Sensitive Person" would find a place as the cornerstone that inspires much of my writing.

Most recently, what I have been working on is a fairly thorough article/web page to serve as a broad-based information resource for HSPs. My challenge was to create something that would not only offer a lot of information-- in ONE place-- to someone who had just discovered that they are highly sensitive, but also be useful to those who have been "on the path" for a while and want to learn more. Last-- but certainly not least-- I wanted to come up with something that might be "a useful link" people could send NON-HSP friends and acquaintances to, to tell them a little more about being an HSP.

So, I have created a page called "The Highly Sensitive Person or HSP: What Exactly IS that?" which I'd like to invite you to have a look at... let me know what you think-- either in comments here, or in comments at the end of the article. Don't worry, you won't be asked to pay anything, or become a "member" of something!

Someone on one of the HSP forums recently asked me if I ever write about things that are NOT about HSPs. And the answer to that is "yes," I definitely do. Sometimes I write about writing; sometimes I write about things I feel passionate about, or have expertise with. Sometimes I write about topics related to my various forms of work... and sometimes I write about running a business from home. It all depends.

HSPs & Overstimulation: Do your choices support a balanced life?

From time to time I like to check in with the online bookstores (Amazon, etc.) to see if there are any new books on the market about high sensitivity, Sensory Processing Sensitivity or other closely related subjects.

As I perused a few titles I hadn't come across before, I started noticing how many new books are made for Kindle (or other tablet readers), and how an increasing number are "Kindle ONLY."

Personally, I like books. Books made of paper, that is. It's not that I am a Luddite, or "technology phobic"-- I'm actually surrounded by a sea of recent technological innovation-- it's just the old fashioned books are "low tech," which also means they are "low stimulation," at least for me.

A book is... just a book. It can't "access the Internet," it can't suddenly "update itself" and it doesn't have a built-in dictionary or 47 different display options. A book isn't suddenly going to let me know (as some readers and tablets can) that I have an incoming phone call, or new email. A book doesn't come with any concerns that its battery is running low. With a book, I don't have to think about anything but "words on a page," and there are no "tempting sidetracks" to distract me... which, for someone with ADD-ish tendencies and a general propensity for simply being interested in lots of things, are features I'd just as well keep to a minimum.

As I said, I'm not a Luddite and I really like new technology... but I am also someone who remains constantly conscious of the "small trickles of stuff" in life that contribute-- when all added together-- to that this we HSPs know as "overstimulation" of basically getting overwhelmed by our environment.

Which got me to thinking about whether-- and to what degree-- HSPs really do make choices in support of "slowing down" and managing stimulation... or are (like most people) doing the many things that surround us, all of which are designed to "speed life up."

Normally we think of events that cause overstimulation as "big" things like traveling to a family gathering, planning someone's birthday party or spending an entire day at the mall. But are you aware of all the little things in your daily life? These are things we don't so often think about because they really don't cause overstimulation... they merely make a "small contribution" towards it, when added to a bunch of other "small contributions." Many are so subtle we don't even think about them...

Like reading books on an electronic device with "other feaures" than just the book. Or trying to catch up with the TV news while on a treadmill or exercise machine. There are lots of others... rather than list them, I ask you to consider taking a few minutes to sit down and think about where they are, in your life. You might be surprised.

Anyway, since this post is partly about books, I'd like to give a shout-out to Dr. Ted Zeff who has a new book out entitled "Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy: Save Your Son From the Violent Boy Culture." There has been a recent increase in the general "visibility" of highly sensitive men, as more and more are stepping forward and talking about their experiences with being male and highly sensitive-- a combination that's often "frowned upon" in our "tough guy" culture. Although this book isn't specifically about HSPs, it is highly relevant for HSPs... and is basically an extension of Zeff recent research and focus on highly sensitive males. If you have a son who is-- or whom you suspect might be-- an HSP, do consider getting your hands on this book!

Anyway, I hope this might inspire you to take a moment to consider your daily choices, and whether or not they support keeping your energies well balanced.

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Talk Back! Do you make an active effort to consider whether or not your daily choices help "manage" the stimulation level in your life... or do you just allow things to "unfold as they will" and hope for the best? Are there things you know you ought to change, because you'll feel calmer if you do? Please share your experience and leave a comment!

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Childhood Memory: A Highly Sensitive Boy's Relationship with "Excitement"

From time to time I get asked if I ever write "anything personal" on these pages.

"You know, like a memoir, or something that happened to you," they then add... perhaps since pretty much everything I write here is "personal." I did actually start in on some more "personal" stories a couple of years ago... and, in all fairness, my post "Perceptions and Reality: Childhood, Part I" was about my early life. I intended to write a series of such articles, but got bogged down after thinking it was a little too self-indulgent.

The other day I was reading an article about having the right amount of "excitement" in my life, which led me to another article about the issues of "boredom" which got me to thinking about my own life and reminiscing about myself as a boy and youth... and who this highly sensitive youth really was.

One of the things I realized was that one of the ways I always seemed like an oddball among my peers was that I really was never interested in doing "exciting" things. And that was true of me, from a very young age. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that "exciting things" simply didn't feel "exciting" to me; I didn't want to be any part of them, I wanted to do "safe and comforting" things. Or maybe it was more a case of the feeling we call "exciting" not actually feeling good/positive the way it does for many people.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't want to "do" things-- I just found almost all forms of (what I perceived to be) "risky" behavior to be stupid. I don't have all that many memories from being six or younger, but I do remember that I would almost always engage in "critical analysis" of things, back then. If someone said "let go do 'something'," I would  not only want to feel assured that this "something" have a high likelihood of a pleasant outcome, but I wanted to feel confident that any "collateral damage" resulting from the possibility of failure was minimal.

That's "fancy speak" for not engaging in risky things, and not being impulsive.

So when some of the other neighborhood kids would come along and say "let's jump over the fence, steal some apples and beat on the window so the neighbor's dog starts barking, and then run away really fast!" I was never onboard with it. And even if I hesitantly agreed to go along, I'd be so beset by anxiety that I had no possibility of enjoying the experience. All I could "see" was the potential trouble at the other end... there would be the neighbor's anger at us, then the phone call to my parents, followed by a lecture from my mom, then a different kind of lecture from my dad.

My mother's primary form of punishment was that she would sit me down and spend about an hour (at least that's what it felt like!) lecturing me about what it meant to be "good" and "obedient," and what shame I was bringing on the family with my actions, and how I must be ashamed of my ways... and she had a manner of forcing me to sit through an age of droning on about the same thing said 30 different ways. There were no beatings, no "time out," no grounding... just my mother talking, and asking sharp questions about once a minute-- which I'd better have the answer to-- or the lecture would just be prolonged because I "hadn't been paying attention."

Once my mom was done with me, odds were I'd be handed off to my father. His lecturing style was a bit more direct and threatening. His favorite thing to point out was that "parents of boys who disobey them end up with little choice but to call the police and have said disobedient little boys put in jail where they belong and can only have bread and water until they come to realize that they should behave properly." It was a fairly effective punishment tool-- the idea of going to prison scared me, and it really didn't occur to me that it was "a story" he told... till I was almost in my teens.

Yes, I was extremely gullible, as a child. In many ways, I still am.

Anyway, I literally did think like this, as a small boy and teenager, and my "risk-reward analyses" never came out in favor of "excitement." It's a way of thinking that has never left me. Some thirty years later, I learned about High Sensitivity... and deeply related to something Elaine Aron once said about HSPs being like the "cautious deer" observed among wild deer populations.

Of course, I didn't just think this way about "illicit" excitement-- I also thought this way about "endorsed" excitement, from riding rollercoasters to jumping in the water from a high springboard. If it looked like it could "go wrong" or "be painful" I wanted no part of it. I was never a candidate for "Stupid Human Tricks."

I have often been told that my reticence is fear-based. Whereas there might be a slight truth to that, there's more at play here. So-called exciting activities don't feel good. I feel "jangled" for an extremely long time, afterwards. Shaky, out of sorts. Like the shot of adrenaline we get in response to an "exciting event" stays with me for many hours, where it dissipates in minutes for most people. It's not a "good feeling" when I'm still "jittery" from the "thrill" of riding the rollercoaster... six hours "after the fact." Giving rise to the question of whether my avoidance of "excitement" is genuinely fear, or merely reasonable life management....

But here's an odd thing, as I wind this up: At the same time as being excitement avoidant, I was always very open to doing things that most others-- including my childhood peers-- rejected because they were "extremely/too difficult." From an early age, I excelled at accomplishing things many wouldn't even attempt, let alone succeed at. Need a giant tree cut down, and all you have is a steak knife? Give it to me, I'll get it done. Car has broken down at the summer cabin and someone needs to ride twenty miles on their bicycle to the store for milk and bread, and then twenty miles back? No problem, I'll go.

This strange marriage of extreme caution and extreme stick-to-it-iveness defined me until I became an adult... and remains with me, although in a milder form than 30+ years ago.

A past therapist once psychoanalyzed this as being a reflection of my self-perceived shortcomings at "outwitting" people made up for by "outlasting" them, instead.

Not sure I buy that. But it sounded plausible, at the time...

In retrospect, I feel increasingly sure that my pervasive childhood and teenage nickname "grandpa" was more earned as a result of my retiring nature and careful approach to life than from my mother's penchant for dressing her young son in clothes befitting a 60-year old. I used to blame being treated as a "weirdo" and "misfit" on my "grandpa pants" but I'm not so sure, anymore...

Caution and risk aversion is-- of course-- not in the nature of all HSPs, nor is a tightly controlled impulsivity. However, my years of introspection and self-inquiry tell me that in my case, it's more a reflection of my HSP nature, as opposed to "learned fears." Even when I was an infant in my crib, I had little interest in bright shiny objects, "noisemakers" and general interaction. From the anecdotal evidence I've gathered over the years, it wasn't that I was afraid, just that I seemed not interested.

That's my story, and I am sticking to it!

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Talk Back! What was your relationship with "excitement," as a kid and youngster? How is it, today? Have you-- and do you-- generally have a different perception than other people as to what "excitement" feels like? Do you consider yourself risk-averse? Share your experience-- leave a comment!

Sharing is Love! Use the buttons below to share this article with others, and be part of spreading general awareness of the HSP trait. Thank you!
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The HSP Journey To Understanding

A short while ago, I was browsing recent posts on a large and active HSP forum on Facebook. I was both amazed and moved by the vast array of questions, comments and experiences shared there.

As I kept reading-- and would occasionally come across a "pointed" opinion or two, it occurred to me that "where we are" on our individual journeys not only matters, but is extremely important.

In a group the size I was looking at-- almost 2000 fellow highly sensitive people-- some will have learned that they are this thing called "an HSP" just yesterday... while others might have been among the very first to pick up a copy of Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person" when it was published, in 1996.

I was part of the web's very first group of HSPs, back in the early days. We thought it was "amazing" that there were a couple of dozen of us! Imagine that! Today there are groups and forums-- multiples of them-- with more than 2000 members.

But belonging to that first group doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP." Having an old dog-eared copy of "The Highly Sensitive Person" from the first printing doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP." Having kept this blog for over ten years doesn't "make me" anything... other than "an HSP with a blog."

And yet? It is extremely important for me to always stay mindful of the fact whereas I don't have "the answers," I have spent 15+ years asking "the questions." And it's my responsibility to not roll my eyes and grow impatient when someone asks a question I have already heard 3,000 times. And I must remember that I don't have THE answers... only MY answers.

I see many questions about "what is" and "what is not" part of being an HSP... and I am reminded that not only will our experiences differ based on how long we've been working on integrating the trait into our daily lives... they will differ based on who we are, as individuals. My fellow HSPs think/believe different things about what it means to be Highly Sensitive.

Are some "facts?" Sure.
Are some "opinions and theories?" Sure.
Are some "wishful thinking?" Sure.
Are some "just plain wrong?" Sure.

But asking questions and seeking answers represent the central part of the "journey to ourselves." I may be able to share information, but I can't teach wisdom... actual wisdom comes from within the student.

Much as we sometimes tend to think otherwise, let us not lose sight of the fact that HSPs are "unique and different people" just like everyone else in the world. The assumption that others are going to be "just like us" for no reason other than their also being HSPs is... well... not only wrong, but potentially hurtful, because it throws boxes and limitations around people. We may have similar interests... or not. We may have similar tastes... or not. We may have similar preferences... or not.

Last-- but not least-- I'd encourage those who have been "playing this gig for a long time" to sometimes pause and remember how they felt, when they'd just learned there was such a thing as a "highly sensitive person." And keep that feeling front and center, when evaluating whether or not to send off a "snappy" or impatient response to someone asking a simple question about the trait... for the first time.

It's all good. And it's all part of learning and being who we are...

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Talk Back! Where are you, on your journey of exploring what it means to be an HSP? Are you learning things that surprised you?  Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSP Living: In defense of Comfort Zones

I've probably spent entirely too much of my life being involved in the "conscious community," the self-development industry and so-called "self-improvement."

That said, it seems to be a major part of most HSPs' lives. As a highly sensitive person, I am just drawn to these fields-- I'm just fascinated by the workings of the human species-- and if you're an HSP, you probably are, too.

Depending on one's perspective, I am alternately "blessed"-- or "cursed"-- with a brain that's equally content to meander around in the "right-brained" universe of creativity, intuitive leaps of faith and the abstract as it is taking a cruise in the "left-brained" world of numbers, logic and "the facts of life."

Bottom line: I really like studying vast amounts of data and extrapolating unexpected trends and patterns.

But I am digressing.
Let's just leave it at "I look at a LOT of this stuff."

Most people who have spent any time at all looking to "improve" themselves, or "find balance," or "find inner peace," or just trying to understand themselves will have run into the popular maxim that in order to develop yourself and "go anywhere" you simply must work outside your comfort zones.

In a sense, I feel that "comfort zones" have been given a really bad rap by mainstream psychology and self-improvement experts as the domain of the apathetic and unconscious; those who don't "care enough" to truly make themselves stronger and better.

But the more I think about it... the less I like this idea that our comfort zones are automatically judged, labeled and then executed as "the bad guy" in the greater equation of our evolving lives. And for the HSP, I believe comfort zones are actually an essential part of our well-being. And, let's face it, Elaine Aron (author of "The Highly Sensitive Person") even calls her own newsletter for HSPs "The Comfort Zone."

Odds are she wouldn't do that, if she thought we should avoid comfort zones.

For many HSPs, this perhaps isn't exactly new news. But given our broad-based interest in self-improvement, we're none-the-less surrounded by the constant meta-message that in order to "better ourselves" we must live outside our comfort zones. It feels both conflicting and counter-productive to me.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that falling into a complacent and apathetic stupor is not a good thing-- for HSPs, or for anyone else, for that matter. But I also believe there is such thing as finding happiness and contentment within our comfort zones... in a healthy and balanced sort of way. I have spent many years "working on myself" and as part of that, creating a comfort zone that fits me... and I am very happy here, thank you very much!

And maybe that's the key: "Happy." My comfort zone was an "active creation," not a place where I passively ended up in order to hide, or out of fear of life and the world.

Ultimately, it's all about finding your niche of happiness and contentment; about finding balance. If you like where you are, in your comfort zone, why is it you'd need to go somewhere else, to look for something else?

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Talk Back! Do you have a distinct comfort zone? Do you feel like you "spend too much time" in your comfort zone? Who tells you that? Do people tell you you need to move "outside your comfort zone? Are you in a comfort zone because you feel "at home" there, OR because you are fearful of being outside it? Share your experience-- leave a comment!

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HSPs and Work: The "Art" of Making a Living

Recently, I have been thinking (and writing) a lot about how we work, as HSPs. It's a complex issue, but one we pretty much all deal with.

When you're highly sensitive, you typically face a whole set of "issues" in work contexts; issues that are different enough from those faced by the rest of the world that most people don't "get it" when certain things cause us distress in work situations.

Often it boils down to other people not understanding why we are "bothered" by certain things-- the lighting, or noise, or people flowing in and out of our office or cubicle. At the same time, some people wonder why we "care" about some of the things we do; why we can't just "let things go" and simply be happy that we are "getting a pay check."

Work for the Highly Sensitive Person can be a delicate balancing act

Rather than just regurgitate (at considerable length...) what I have concluded about HSPs and working, I'd like to instead point you to three articles I ended up writing about this tricky subject, along with one written by fellow HSP writer Grace Kerina for the HSP Health web site. Each link will send you to another web site (perfectly safe, I promise!) where the articles are published. I hope you will get something useful from them!

Article One explores the nature of the many struggles we face in conventional work situations. It focuses on "identifying the issues" and talks a bit about how and why these are issues for HSPs. It is simply called "Work and the Highly Sensitive Person."

Article Two is a fairly in-depth look at what often turns out to be the "best answer" for the Highly Sensitive Person, when it comes to working... namely, Self-Employment. For some HSPs, self-employment is something they naturally reach for, knowing it's how they can best manifest their work ambitions. For others, it's more of a "defensive" strategy to get away from the drudgery of a "corporate" job. "The Highly Sensitive Person and Self-employment" takes a long-- and not always glamorous-- look at the ways working for your self can be both rewarding and challenging for HSPs.

Article Three examines the concept of pursuing our "true Calling" at work. You may have heard of the concept of having a "calling," but what does it really mean? But how do you identify it? And how do you turn something you truly love and thrive at doing into a profession? "Work and the Highly Sensitive Person: Identifying Your Calling" takes a deeper look at the issue of Callings-- what they are, how we identify them, and how we can develop them into an actual profession.

Grace Kerina's article about HSPs and work consists partly of sharing her own path to becoming a self-employed HSP and partly offers helpful suggestions on things to consider, when it comes to figuring out how we might pursue self-employment, as HSPs. Entitled "Highly Self Employed," it is definitely worth a read!

I realize that's a lot of reading, and I hope it doesn't feel too overwhelming! However, this is a very important topic, with many different facets to consider. If it seems like it might take a lot of time to get through, why not bookmark this page and come back for a later read?

Some of this information (but not all!) is also available in Barrie Jaeger's excellent book "Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person," which I highly recommend. If you're and HSP who's baffled, distressed, concerned or otherwise in a state of flux in your work life, DO please consider buying and reading her book for some more valuable insight about HSPs and work. Here's a nifty link-- why not do it right NOW?

I would also love to read your comments and feedback about YOUR work experience as an HSP! Please leave a comment in the "comments" area.