HSPs & Healing: 2012 White Light Express Conference

Taking a slight departure from my usual style of content today to talk a bit about something that's actually an interesting opportunity for HSPs.

Inspired in part my friend and fellow HSP blogger H.Elizabeth's recent post about choices, values and being true to ourselves, I came to realize that I don't often post about "personal projects" and things going on in my life on these pages... even though they are, in their own way, a representation of "an HSP's life," which is what "HSP Notes" is all about.

Those of you who visit from Facebook may have noticed that I have had an "unusual" cover photo on my page there, so here's a bit of an explanation of that: My wife-- who's also an HSP-- co-founded an organization called The White Light Express back in the spring of 2000. Here's an excerpt of its mission statement:

The Ultimate Goal of the White Light Express is to create a directory and healing center created by Spirit and directed by Spirit for those who are seeking clear and honest answers to their soul path, life purpose and issues with healing the Mind. The Body. The Spirit. Those who are brought to the White Light Express for healing will be gently advised and guided by a professional, spiritual team of deeply connected friends for your maximum health and benefit.

This year, The White Light Express is hosting it's first Annual Conference. These conferences are intended to offer a space where healers and teachers, and those seeking healing and learning can come together for workshops, fellowship and more, in a peaceful, sensitive, healing and non-judgmental setting.

This inaugural two-day event will take place in Port Townsend, Washington, on August 17-18, 2012. The Pacific Northwest is beautiful this time of the year, and the two presenters are exceptional teachers and healers whose workshops are very well suited for HSPs. Both as an HSP, and as co-organizer of the event, I encourage you to consider a visit here for this event. To learn more, please visit the web site:

2012 White Light Express Conference

I'd also like to invite you visit and "like" the White Light Express Facebook page to learn more and to get updates about future White Light Express events.

We are starting on a modest scale, but hope to turn these annual conferences into major events with teachers and healers from many fields. Our home-- Port Townsend-- is in a smaller town that happens to be blessed with a world class retreat center.

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Being an HSP... and the Intrusion of Noise

We are out "camping" this week. I put that in quotes because we have a cabin, so it's not exactly primitive camping, but it's still a way to get closer to nature, which has always felt very healing, to me.

Being out here where there is no man-made noise reminds me of just how "loud" our everyday lives have gotten. I am not talking about the obvious like the sound of trucks passing in the street, air conditioners humming and someone using a power lawn mower-- I am talking about "the little things."

The sound of velcro, being opened. The sound of "hard" cellophane packaging around the sugar box. The sound of a sliding door that is old and worn where it glides. The sound of a spoon, stirring coffee in a cup. Absent the backdrop of white noise, these sounds are suddenly very loud.

It would be an exaggeration to say that noise has always been my "enemy," but-- that said-- I can honestly say that I have sought "quiet spaces" since I was a small boy. Looking back on my early life, I can see how I responded to "noisy" activities and environments and conclude "Yes, I can now see how I was an HSP," during those early years. Back then, there was no such thing as "being highly sensitive," so I was generally regarded as "timid" and "fearful."

We lived near a busy train line, when I was little. My grandfather would walk me down to the end of the nearby field so I could see the trains go by... and he could never understand why I didn't want to, given that I professed a love of trains. In truth, I thought the trains were cool, but the sound of the engines and rail cars rolling by-- from 20 feet away-- was profoundly overwhelming. Everybody thought I was scared of the trains, but I really wasn't-- I was just completely "sensory overloaded" by the noise they made. The sound felt like... someone was stabbing me in the head/ears with sharp needles, straight into the part of my brain that processes sound.

My experience of "noise" remains the same, today. Noisiness-- of pretty much any form-- has a strong component of overwhelm for me... from raised voices, to loud music, to lawn mowers even down to the sound of cellophane packaging being opened on a quiet morning, or a door that can't be opened silently. When I cook or do home maintenance projects I generally avoid "power tools" (mixers, blenders, table saws) in favor of doing things "by hand..." NOT for "philosophical reasons" but because I loathe the noise of machinery.

Whether I call it an "ideosyncracy" or an "issue," my sensitive ears have occasionally led to feelings of alienation because I was never able to equate "loud" with "fun," as the majority of the world's people seem to. Of course, as I write these words, I realize that there are also those who are HSPs who don't mind noise. Or who can listen to music so loud their bones are rattling, but who are driven crazy by the faintest sound of fluorescent light fixtures buzzing. Ultimately, it may not be the sounds, themselves, that identify us as HSPs... but the fact that we are highly aware of noise. 

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Talk Back: How do YOU experience noise/sound? Do you find that you often notice sounds other people are not even aware of? Does ALL loud noise bother you, or is loudness not really an issue for you? Do certain sounds drive you crazy? Do you consider yourself a "silence seeker?" Do you feel that you have a "relationship" with noise that is shaped by the fact that you're an HSP? Please leave a comment and share your experiences with other HSPs.

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HSP Issues: How do YOU get overwhelmed?

It's no secret that one of the less pleasant aspects of being a Highly Sensitive Person is the periodic feeling of overwhelm (or "overstimulation," as Elaine Aron calls it) most of us endure. There isn't much we can do about it-- it's just part and parcel of being an HSP. As one HS friend once told me "When your flame burns really bright, it also tends to burn out faster."

As far as I can tell, there's not one single thing that causes an HSP to get overstimulated, although one thing I often hear is "I just had too much stuff on my plate."

Since we can't get rid of our propensity to become overstimulated, the next best thing is learning to "manage" it. This generally involves a combination of self-awareness and good time management with strong boundaries.

Self-awareness teaches us to stay "tuned in" to ourselves to such a degree that we can opt out of something we're doing, before we reach the point of getting totally frazzled. Self-awareness also allows us to stay on top of the specific things (or "triggers") that cause us to get overwound-- but since they tend to vary from person to person, I can't really offer a checklist you can start using.

From my own life, I know that crowded noisy events-- especially when combined with a longish journey to get to them-- tend to wear me out very quickly. The onslaught of noise, bright light, voices, people pushing and shoving and the energy of a crowd... at the end of a two-hour drive-- makes my head feel like it is going to explode. I also know that I can prepare myself for such events and do OK... BUT, if I have to participate at a time when I am already "really busy," then I know I am headed to a bad place

So, my "coping mechanism" (this is the time management part) isn't necessarily to opt out of the event, but to drive to the location the evening before, spend the night at a nearby motel, and then arrive at the event somewhat refreshed, at the end of a five minute drive. Does it cost more? Yes! But I'd rather enjoy one event at a leisurely pace than be frazzled by two.

On the surface, many may think "but I didn't have a CHOICE!" Indeed, sometimes we don't have a choice, but most of the time we can "create" choices by planning ahead, rather than just "letting life happen TO us." Unfortunately, many HSPs struggle with planning, as it tends to be a rather "left brain" (analytical) type of thinking process, where most HSPs prefer "right brain" (intuitive/subjective) thinking. However, in the interest of self-preservation, planning is one of those areas where we are well served by stepping outside our comfort zones.

Sometimes self-awareness, planning and time management for HSPs means that we may have to make choices we don't like. Sometimes we may choose to be part of something we know will cause overstimulation-- however, simply "being aware" (rather than "being taken by surprise") may help us deal with the situation. Sometimes we may want to be part of two things we like, but the intensity of doing both things will cause overwhelm... and we have to be willing to say "no" to one of them, in spite of perhaps feeling some peer pressure in the form of negative self-talk along the lines of "I should be able to do this-- any NORMAL person can." We must honor that we are HSPs... and we get to set our own defintion of "normal."

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Talk Back! How do you experience feeling overstimulated? Are you aware of specific situations that lead to overwhelm, or are you not aware till you're "in the middle of it?" Do you have coping tools for these situations? Do you plan ahead and manage your time and energy output, ahead of potentially challenging situations or events? Are there specific types of events you have learned to say no to? Have you found a balance between "avoiding" and "managed participation" in life's events? Please leave a comment!

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Of HSPs and "Sensitives"

How do we define ourselves?

Since I first learned there was such a thing as "being an HSP," I have been part of a lot of different groups, web forums, workshops, retreats and other venues specifically involving highly sensitive people. Once upon a time, I believed HSPs were a lot more "alike" than I do today. I now know that whereas we do share this trait, we are all very different and distinct individuals.

Dr. Elaine Aron's description of the trait has been around since the her book "The Highly Sensitive Person" was published in 1996, but it seems like the actual "meaning" of being a Highly Sensitive Person is often a rather fluid and changeable one. Granted, 95% of the world's HSPs are "self-defined," with only about 5% perhaps "identified" by a therapist or life coach. Besides, since being highly sensitive is NOT a "condition," there is also no "diagnosis," so I guess it would follow that our individual interpretations of "sensitive" is filtered through our personal lenses of perception.

As a demographic group, we HSPs have come a long way, since 1996. General awareness of the trait reaches new highs every year, as more and more articles about high sensitivity are included in mainstream media. Whether we agree with their approaches and "tone"-- or not-- it's hard to dispute that a lot more people know that there's such a thing as "being an HSP," thanks to these publications.

That said, there are also a fair number of misinterpretations and misidentifications out there.

One term I frequently run into is "Sensitives."

Sensitives, in this case, refers to people who are psychic or possess some form of ESP or Psi-abilities. It's a term that has been around much longer than "HSP" and it is NOT the same thing as being a Highly Sensitive Person. In fact, if you examine Elaine Aron's self-test for sensitivity, you'll find that maybe 3-4 of the 27 item questionnaire address anything remotely pertaining to Psi powers.

Being an HSP does not automatically mean you're a "Sensitive."
Being a "Sensitive" does not automatically make you an HSP.
Some HSPs are "Sensitives," and some "Sensitives" are HSPs.

You might be wondering why I even care about this.

One of the primary benefits of learning about the HSP trait-- including what is, and is NOT part of it-- is ultimately to enjoy a better quality of life in which we incorporate our sensitivities into our daily routines, rather than experience them as a hindrance. We are responsible-- to ourselves, and to others-- to know at least the basics of what we're talking about, and that includes the definitions of both high sensitivity and some it its "lookalikes." The more we know and understand, the more we can identify what "is-me" and what "is-not-me." If we mislabel ourselves-- or allow others to mislabel themselves, or us-- we're not being effective "ambassadors" in helping establish an accurate public awareness of High Sensitivity.

And that would just be a shame, given how many of us have spent lives feeling marginalized through misunderstanding.

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Talk Back! Do you feel like you have a strong sense of what it "means" to be an HSP? Have you understood "Sensitives" and "HSP" to be the same thing? Or has it never been an issue? Have you actually taken Elaine Aron's sensitivity quiz (link above)? Did the questions different from what you "thought" it would mean to be sensitive? Please leave a comment!

HSP Resources: Boston & New England Area Groups

From time to time, I like to take a few moments to encourage HSPs to "connect locally."

Why should HSPs connect with their peers? Most HSPs find it very healing to spend time with others, even if they are somewhat reclusive and solitary in nature... after all, nobody "gets" what it's like to be a highly sensitive person more than a fellow HSP.

How and where do you connect? There are online groups and local regional meetup groups and support groups. Today's focus is on the Boston area and the surrounding New England states, in general.

This post is by no means exhaustive, but at least it offers a starting point for HSPs in the region.

The HSP Boston & New England group is an online discussion group on YahooGroups. It has been around since 2003 and has about 80 members. It's a "moderated" group, meaning that memberships are approved by a real live person in order to maintain an "HSP friendly" environment.

Highly Sensitive Persons-- Boston/Cambridge is part of the meetup organization. Active since December 2010, this is a group with an online web page, but the group schedules regular "flesh space" get togethers.

A "good bet" for HSPs in the Boston area is the "Nerd Fun" meetup group, although it is not specifically an HSP group. Originally started by an HSP, this activity group has grown to almost 5000 members and organizes many smaller individual events, quite a few of which would appeal to HSPs-- museum trips, exhibits, outings and so forth.

Naturally, more groups may exist around the New England states. Good places to check for announcements might be the bulletin board at your local food coop, or bulletin boards at holistic healing centers. In some cases, you might be able to find lectures about the HSP trait offered through your local learning annex, and these may also be a good way to make contact. Keep in mind, however, that these free lectures are sometimes used by counselors and therapists as a tool to drum up new business.

If you are interested in some more "serious" HSP learning, Dr. Elaine Aron occasionally teaches 3-day workshops at the Kripalu Center in the Berkshires. Check the center's workshop schedule for information-- and keep in mind that Elaine Aron's workshops are only offered maybe once every year or two.

HSPs, Boundaries, Feeling Good, and Finding Balance

Sometimes it pays to pause to consider why you do what you're doing.

What motivates your choices?

There are lots of things we choose to do, in life. Often we are motivated to do things because they make us feel good. Of course, sometimes we're also motivated to do things because they are "good for us." Although it doesn't always hold true, we can at least hope that these two overlap, most of the time.

In a simplified and ideal world, the above would be the primary motivations behind what we choose to do. Alas, that's not the reality of life, especially for a Highly Sensitive Person. We make choices that hurt us, often based on fear and choices that are definitely not good for us. If "bad" choices seem to be a persistent pattern in our lives, we often become very adept at abandoning our accountability for them, instead creating an intricate web of rationalizations for why our choices were actually something that "happened TO us."

Many HSPs are very "compliant" by nature. Confrontation either frightens us, or we are "OK" with confrontation but still avoid it because it feels terribly overstimulating and we end up feeling "out of sorts" for days and hours after the actual confrontational event happened.

However, unless we are willing to stand up for ourselves-- and how we feel about a situation-- our personal boundaries tend to get overstepped or even completely ignored. It's no secret that setting healthy personal boundaries can be very challenging for HSPs. That said, we really cannot assume (and, unfortunately, many HSPs do) that the rest of the world will somehow "intuit" our needs, the way we might be able to, about them. Life just doesn't work that way!

I have met many HSPs for whom simply stating their opinion and "taking a stance" on something they believe in  (especially if it seems counter to "popular" or "majority" viewpoints) feels like "fighting" or "being difficult" in a way they find very unpleasant.

Even... if they clearly have the best idea in a group, meeting, family gathering, or whatever.

It can become a bit of a paradox, because asserting ourselves "doesn't feel good," but being ignored also "doesn't feel good."

Sadly, many HSPs choose to circumvent the issue altogether by isolating themselves, instead. They conclude that the world "is too painful" and choose to avoid contact, altogether. On some level, that choice might (at least in the short term) "feel good," but on a greater scale, it's hardly "good for us." I can't even begin to estimate how many hundreds of HSPs I've encountered (usually in online forums) over the past 15 years who have gone down this path only to become deeply depressed because they feel "all alone in the world."

Suppressing our true nature because we are fearful of the consequences of "being our TRUE selves" can be very damaging to us; to our self-esteem.

HSPs have a lot to offer the world, but the world will not benefit if we don't bring those gifts to the world.

I'm not advocating that we should become "militantly outspoken assholes" in order to make our point-- we merely must find a healthy balance by finding the courage to share our perspectives and be heard, even if our ideas aren't necessarily adopted.

As I write these words, I'm reminded of this (quite famous) Dr. Seuss quote:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."

We can learn from that, and guide ourselves to better choices. When we share-- especially in a group setting-- some people are going to think our ideas are marvelous! Those are the people we should aline ourselves with, because they get where we're coming from. We must attempt to focus our attention on the fact that "Bob LOVED my idea!" rather than feeling crestfallen because "Sue didn't like my idea."

That does take a bit of practice-- many of us have "trained" ourselves to dwell on what is "wrong," rather than celebrate what is "right."

Something else we must remember is that in most cases, we're not obliged to do things that make us feel bad. Saying "no" to spending the day at a noisy theme park with a group of colleagues from work (which will make us feel overstimulated and stressed) is a much healthier choice than compliantly saying "yes" and having a day we hate. Sure we will encounter exceptions where we are "obligated" to participate in something we don't like, but those are generally few and far between. Establishing a healthy boundary and saying no to things that genuinely feel bad is not the same thing as "isolating."

Finally, we must remind ourselves that "NO is a complete sentence."

When our neighbor asks "Are you coming to my noisy cousin's surprise birthday party at Noise World tomorrow?" it's OK to simply say "No, I'm sorry, I won't be attending" without concocting 500 excuses and reasons for why we won't be attending. If pressed by the person asking, we need say no more than "Sorry, it just won't work out for me."

You'll feel much better when you do.

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Talk Back! Pause to consider what motivates your choices. How good (or bad) are you at setting boundaries? Do you do things that "feel bad," or are "bad for you," because you fear not going with the flow? Do you sometimes choose to not do things that feel good, for fear of being judged, for your choices? Consider how you set boundaries. Do you isolate yourself, as a way of setting "boundaries," or do you feel free to state your opinion? Does saying "no" to someone feel like a confrontation? Leave a comment and share your experiences!

New Monthly Feature on HSP Notes: HSP Portraits

Starting in the not too distant future, I will be adding a new (hopefully monthly) feature to the HSP Notes blog: "HSP Portraits."

HSP Portraits will be an ongoing series of (hopefully inspiring!) vignettes and interviews with HSPs from a wide range of backgrounds and walks of life-- all of whom have in common that they are empowered Highly Sensitive People, and they are making a difference in the world, in people's lives, and even in their own lives.

I won't necessarily just be featuring "famous" or "known" HSP personalities-- but also "the person next door" type who's quietly going about making the world a better place. What these folks will have in common (aside from being highly sensitive) is that they are examples of how to be in the world, and active agents in their own lives. Their stories are intended to showcase the positive sides of being a Highly Sensitive Person.

With this series, I also hope to share the vast array of different creative expression and talent HSPs bring to the world, from spiritual coaching to art to healing and to simply spreading general awareness of the HSP trait. We contribute in so many ways, but we're often quiet and soft-spoken, and feel challenged by-- and even uncomfortable with-- the idea of "tooting our own horns." Sometimes, it takes someone else to help us "shout the message from the rooftops."

The first HSP Portrait will appear on these pages sometimes in the fall of 2012, with subsequent installments on the second Monday of the month.

(Updated 05/20/2012: Due to current personal workload and other commitments, the start of this feature has been postponed from February to the fall. In typical HSP fashion, I'd rather "do it right" than merely "do it," on insufficient time!)

I hope you will find the HSP Portraits entertaining, interesting, enlightening and inspiring.

The Self-Employed HSP and the Importance of Planning

I am self-employed, and have been-- in one form or another-- for many years.

Even while I was working for various companies, I always had some kind of "sideline business" going.

Self-employment is quite common among HSPs, moreso that among the population at large. In her book "Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person," (highly recommended, by the way-- useful book for all HSPs!) Barrie Jaeger advocates self-employment as one of the better chances we have at getting involved in work that truly is our "calling."

It's not surprising: most HSPs find traditional workplaces oppressive and filled with rules that squash creativity, as well as excessively competitive and not friendly to someone sensitive. The physical environment of many workplaces-- noisy, cramped, windowless-- also does not bring out the best in us.

Whereas self-employment typically offers the best opportunity for creative expression and freedom, it is not without its challenges, especially for a Highly Sensitive Person. When I consult with HSPs about their one-person businesses, the greatest challenge seems to be the "business end" of having your own business. This is not surprising: With so many of us being intuitive/creative right-brain processors, we find it difficult to deal with the distinctly left-brain "nuts-and-bolts" aspects of business: planning, record-keeping, accounting, budgets, etc.

Some might even say "Oh, I can't DEAL with that sort of stuff! I'll just figure it out as I go along and everything will just work itself out."

Whoa.
Not so fast.

Typically, such an approach is a recipe for disaster.

Or, at least, a recipe for getting yourself immersed in a sea of chaos, leading to HSP-overstimulation, possibly leading to frustration with being in business for yourself.

First, let's tackle the "I can't" myth-- as in "I can't deal with that sort of stuff."

Even if you are a "creative" and "intuitive" and "right brain" type of person, let's remember that it's simply not true that you "can't" use the left (logical, number crunching) side of your brain. Unless you happen to have had a lobotomy, you can engage the left side of your brain-- it's just not your dominant function. And you may feel resistance because "left brain activities" feel difficult, restrictive and boring.

"I can't" is just a story we tell ourselves when faced with something we don't like.

As it is the beginning of the year, I recently finished doing my business planning for the year (and years) ahead. When you are self-employed, having a plan-- and actually formulating and writing it down-- is very important, because it helps us define what it is we're trying to do, and then gives us a road map of sorts helps gauge whether we're "making it," or not. Just having the plan "in your head" is not enough!

As an HSP and a veteran of "doing this," I can't overstate the importance of taking the time to have a business plan, both for the current year, and for the future.

Before you panic, business plans don't have to be elaborate, or contain 40 pages of numbers in little columns. At its root, a business plan is no more than a written statement of "where you are now," and where you want to be (by some date, like "December 31st," or "Five years from now"), and even the most rudimentary statements about "what that entails."

The main things a business plan does is force you to "quantify" what you're doing.

"I want to be a successful author by 2017" is NOT a business plan.

"I want to write and publish three books in my field of expertise by 2017" is a business plan.

And yes, it can be "just that simple."

If you're feeling resistance-- for whatever reasons-- to having a PLAN (it feels "restrictive," it "limits your creativity" or "plans involve numbers and I HATE numbers!"), her's something important to remember. Once you've made it, you don't have to become a slave to it!

All it's there to do, is help you define and think through the process that gets you from "right now" to your dream of (for example) "successful author." The level of detail you want to put into it-- when each book needs to be finished, or how much you need to write every month/week-- is completely up to you. Just get "the bones of the process" down on paper. Make a few rough estimates ("guess-stimates") of the time you need vs. the time you have, any major expenses you might encounter and how you're going to fund them, research what one actually gets paid each time a book sells.

But don't overthink it or overdo it... as HSPs we often get bogged down in details, which can lead to "analysis paralysis."

I'll close by bringing up the "map analogy" again.

Your business plan is your road map. Indeed, if you need to travel by car from one side of New York city to the other, you may well be able to do so, using your intuition and "figuring it out as you go along." But odds are it will take you much longer, and you'll get lost several times, and burn a lot more gas before reaching your destination... than if you'd had a map. Having the map doesn't mean you're going to sit with it in your lap, the entire time... you're just going to pull it out now and then when you're freaking out a little and thinking "now... where the hell AM I?"

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Talk Back! Are you self-employed? If you are, do you have a written plan? If not, why not?  If you are not self-employed, would you like to be? If the idea appeals to you, but you've chosen not to... what's holding you back? Thanks for reading, and please leave a comment!