Yes, it's still the same blog!

HSP Notes got a facelift today.

I've had a few comments over the years that the blog was getting a bit "cluttered" with all the information here. I tried to tweak the template to "unclutter" it's appearance, but found that too much of the old format was stored as images on someone else's server and thus not tweakable.

So, now we have a new appearance, rather simpler and hopefully easier on the eye. I've tried to keep the general colors and layout about the same as it was before.

What do you think? Leave feedback in comments!

This little bit of updating made me pause to ponder the difficulties many HSPs have with "change." We often find "change" unsettling, and we take a while to get used to new things. Sometimes this is even true of "cosmetic changes" to existing things. The house on the corner-- which has always been white-- is painted sunflower yellow, and even though it has nothing directly to do with our lives, the change jars our sensitivities.

Of course, big changes-- like a move, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship-- tend to be jarring to ALL people, although especially so for HSPs.

Sometimes our hesitance about changes can result in stuckness. We avoid making a change for fear of dealing with the upsetting feelings the change will cause... whether it is our own overstimulation, OR our concerns that others will become upset with us, because we're choosing to be "different" from how we used to be.

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Talk Back: How well do you handle change? Do you find yourself AVOIDING changes, to avoid getting overstimulated? EVEN if those changes are necessary and overdue? Share your experiences-- leave a comment!

Growing: It Starts with Ourselves

I recently returned from a week in Europe, dealing with my late mother's estate, and settling her affairs. Although it was a busy and often emotionally challenging week, being there allowed me some time to reflect on life, and our choices... how we choose to live, and what the consequences of those choices are.

I don't remember exactly when-- maybe it was 2003?-- I was at an HSP Gathering, listening to Elaine Aron give a presentation.

One of the little snippets I took away, and which has stuck with me ever since, is the idea that we must "heal OURSELVES, before we can heal others."

Of course, that's a two way street.

Ultimately, just like we can't "make it OK" for anyone else, nobody else can "make it OK," for US.

As HSPs, we're very aware of other people's feelings, and we're also very aware of subtleties in people's energies. Many HSPs are "givers" and "healers" by nature (even if they are not aware of it) and I think we often busy ourselves trying to "make it OK" for others... in some hope (which is actually a bit passive-aggressive, if you think about it) that the other person(s) will magically turn around and "heal" us, as a reciprocal "thank you" for our "efforts."

Usually, such expectations will lead to disappointment.

If the above sounds a bit "accusatory" to you... pause, for a moment, and ponder whether you feel that way because I'm touching on an uncomfortable truth, in your life.

Long before I was aware there was such a thing as "being an HSP," one of my Teachers pointed out that it is not anyone else's job to "heal us," or "fix us."

AT BEST, the only thing "another" can do, is provide a "sacred space" in which we can sit and "tell stories." However, "The Other" (be it a therapist, God, the Beloved, a friend, spouse) can really only hold the hole of "listener;" they can never be the "fixer."

Expectations will "bite you" every single time. Expectations that the "fix" (and hence healing) is going to come from someplace "outside" ourselves... will come back to haunt us, every time. It has bitten me, every time I've noticed myself slide into that pattern. I watch it bite friends, and acquaintances. AND... below that... I watch people insist that "someone" made it OK for them... and a few months down the road, they come back and admit that it was just a "magic bandaid" whose effect wore off a few months/years down the road... because the underlying pain was never actually dealt with... just temporarily glossed over.

Maybe this sounds a bit "fatalistic," but actually I don't believe it IS. It's just about being ACCOUNTABLE, and about becoming "active agents" in our own lives, rather than trying to farm out accountability to external events.

I don't remember who said this, but it's a quote I often keep in mind: "Life isn't about what HAPPENS to you, it's about how you RESPOND to what happens."

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Talk Back: Do you find yourself sliding into a pattern of "blaming externals" for where you are in life? Do you recognize that you rely on the idea that "IF ONLY someone/something did this and that" your life would be better? Or are you more self-directed? Leave a comment!

Choices: Starting from HERE

I am getting back into writing-- here, and in other places.

"Starting" is a process, and it seems different for different people. Elaine Aron writes that HSPs tend to be uncommonly conscientious. I know this holds true for me, and I'll also be the first to admit that I have often had a tendency towards perfectionism.

This morning, I was contemplating this process of getting the HSP Notes blog going again. And I soon realized that I was starting down an old path of "spinning my wheels," which (to go by past history) could eventually lead to feeling overwhelmed... and then getting nothing done.

Perhaps you're familiar with this scenario (or something similar) when it comes to "starting" something:

I log into my account.
I'm immediately aware that I have neglected my blog for a year.
I feel some guilt over this-- this blog has a large readership, and IS (after all) the longest running HSP blog on the www.
I tell myself I must write "something important" to get started again.
I start thinking about the entries from my personal journal, from this past year, I want to write up and transfer here.
I start thinking about all the "peripheral" things I need to update, as I re-start here.
I think about new features I want to add.

No more than TEN MINUTES passed, since I "arrived" here to write an update... and I was at the edge of "feeling stuck," because the simple original intent of "writing a new entry" had turned into "a huge project." And the edges of overwhelm were creeping up on me.

In times past, I would have launched myself into hours of work to make sure "I did it properly."

Today... I stepped back, and reminded myself that sometimes we simply have to "start from HERE," even if what we're doing is part of some greater picture. If you're moving, step back from the HUGE project called "I'm moving," and just "pack ONE box." If you're getting back into exercising after a 5-year break, step back from the knowledge that you once ran marathons, and focus on "working out 10 minutes today."

Sometimes "the past" (and our history) is not only "not helpful" to our current situation... it can actually become "clutter" that impedes our progress.

Sometimes we simply have to Start From Here, and trust that the rest will get taken care of, as needed.

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Talk Back: How often do you find yourself "stuck" because you allow something small and simple to grow into a huge project? Are you able to avoid the temptation to "clean your desk" before you can start a simple task? Leave a comment!

Update from Management

I have been away, for a long time.

The past year has been one of many challenges. And there has been "a challenge, within the challenges," in discovering ways to practically and authentically apply what I have learned about being an HSP, during the past decade and change.

It has weighed on me that I have felt neglectful, with respect to updating these pages.

At the same time, I have been mindful of what it truly means to "honor" my needs, as an HSP.

As HSPs, we often have an extreme sense of duty and responsibility. Many HSPs could be characterized as "loyal to a fault." Loyalty and steadfastness are admirable traits... but the "fault" part can become a problem, when we allow ourselves (to our detriment) to become trapped by our sense of duty and obligation.

Whereas "being of service to others" can be a very important part of life (and remains an important part of mine), sometimes I have to pause and remind myself that I am no good to anyone else if I drive myself into the ground while carrying out such "service."

The ability to assess a situation and prioritize is of utmost importance to HSPs. Of course, it's of importance to everyone, but HSPs-- with our more easily overwhelmed natures-- must be particularly mindful of our choices and priorities. We must ask ourselves "Does this act, habit, idea, person best serve our needs, in this moment?"

I'm not advocating that we should just throw away anything that's not working "right now," just that we "pause and prioritize," on a regular basis. Nor am I advocating some kind of selfishness-- just stopping and evaluating.

What's most important?
What has become not as important, that once was important?
What can be discarded, completely?
Should something new be started?

Since September of last year, I have faced all these questions, many times.

My 87-year old mother was suffering from dementia, and had to move into an assisted living facility. She lived in Europe, I live in Washington state, in the US. I was her only living relative. At the beginning of August this year, she passed away. My priorities for the past year changed.

An old relationship ended, and was "redefined."

A business I had been "playing" with became a full-time occupation-- a "calling" of sorts-- allowing me to weather this economic climate, as a self-employed person.

A new-- much healthier, and reciprocal-- relationship grew, and blossomed.

The above all led me to "choice points" where my lessons learned about being an HSP taught me that if I were to add something new to my plate, I also needed to take something off my plate. Among the things that came off my plate was most of my active involvement in the online HSP community. It was all about establishing priorities, within the framework of knowing that-- as an HSP-- I am able to manage a finite number of tasks and no more, if I am to remain emotionally healthy.

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Talk Back: How often to YOU "take inventory" of the state of your life? How good are you at managing your energy, and finding balance? How good are you at removing "what's no longer needed" to make room for new opportunities? Leave a comment!

HSPs and Taking Ownership of Our Own Stuff

I spent many years being moderator and "list owner" on a variety of listservs and online communities for HSPs.

I'm sad to say that one of the most common topics of conversation revolved around "how awful" everyone else in the world seemed to be, and how "nobody" paid attention to our needs, and on and on. To be perfectly honest, a great many HSP conversations were (and still are-- I remain involved in many of these communities) little more than a giant "pity party."

Whereas I am definitely an HSP, I periodically get accused of not being one, because I rattle people's cages... by pointing at the truth, rather than becoming part of an unhealthy "group enabling" that often occurs when a number of HSPs get together in central venue, whether that's online, or at a retreat. That (evidently!) makes me "not nice," and there's a common belief that HSPs are always "nice."

Well, here's a newsflash for you:

When you-- as an HSP-- start "demanding" that everyone else adapt their world to fit needs, how is that any different from the situation you're complaining about? That is, the situation where NON-HSPs are telling you that you're "yourtoo sensitive, and need to toughen up?"

My point here being that learning to manage our sensitivities and being "high functioning" in the world is not about getting other people and the environment to adapt to us, but about finding more suitable ways to function, ourselves. Rather than engage in "finger pointing" and "us vs. them" thinking, we must "take ownership of our own stuff."

For example, I had an HSP friend who'd get headaches from the flourescent lighting at her place of work. And so, she went off on a "crusade" to get the lighting in the office changed. Whereas that certainly may have showed "noble intent," she was met with a great deal of resistance, especially since the flourescents had been installed as part of an "energy consciousness" program. I asked her if she'd asked her manager if she could simply move to a different cubicle, OR be allowed to hang a "cover" of sorts over her existing space, to minimize the glare. It had never occurred to her that she could make changes to her own environment, she automatically went to work on the external environment.

"Owning our own stuff," as HSPs, is about first asking "What can I do for me?" before we start asking (and making demands) about "what can others do for me."

Please think about this, next time you face some kind of challenge to your sensitivity.

You may be reading these words and thinking "Wait. You're not supporting the HSP cause!" And I know one of the common complaints HSPs share is that "we always have to adapt" to other people's needs.

Sorry.
Wrong.
I am supporting the HSP cause.

Please pause to consider that when you start "making demands" of your surroundings, you may not really be "helping HSPs," even if it feels like you are. You may actually be reinforcing to the world that "HSPs are a bunch of spoiled brat premadonnas who can't fit in without special treatment."

And that doesn't really serve us very well.

The Pacific Northwest HSP Network

Part of the process of "connecting," as HSPs involves local involvement.

It's one thing to read a book, or read a blog like this one, or even join a worldwide web group for HSPs-- but to really get connected requires us to take steps on a local level; to discover and meet the other HSPs who live in our back yard.

Although general awareness of the HSP trait has grown tremendously over the past decade, there are still relatively few resources at the local/regional level.

The Pacific Northwest HSP Network is ONE attempt at bringing together HSPs in a geographical area. It was created as an online group for HSPs in Washington, Oregon, British Columbia, Idaho and Alaska, with the goal of being a regional "social network" for HSPs, as well as a "jump off point" for members to form local face-to-face groups.

Membership is "by approval," to maintain an "HSP safe" enviroment. Check out their web site and join, if you live in that part of the world!

HSPs and the danger of Mind Reading

One of my teachers once said: "Our thoughts about a thing are usually far worse than the thing, itself."

HSPs tend to be deeply empathic people, and one of the aspects of the trait is that we are often able to sense the moods of others. For some, this empathy borders on what observers might call "psychic" abilities.

However, HSPs often get in trouble because we not only sense someone's general mood, we start "interpreting" what the mood "means," often using our intuition to try to build a "scenario" of what's going on. I call this "mind reading," and it can be a slippery slope to miscommunication and anxiety.

Let's say we're in a room with someone-- let's call him "Bob"-- participating in some kind of work project. And we pick up (quite accurately) that Bob is irritated or angry. So far, no problem. However, with our tendency to be aware of environmental subtleties and then to introspect and process deeply, we start fixating on that anger. Soon a little "chorus" starts up, inside our heads: "Bob is angry. I wonder why Bob is angry. What if Bob is angry because of something I did? Bob doesn't like the way I work! I'm working too slowly for his liking. I have to speed up. But then I'll get flustered, and Bob will get annoyed with me for making mistakes. Bob is angry because he HATES the way I work, and he HATES me!" At which point, we start responding to Bob's anger by becoming defensive... and we start to feel bad about ourselves.

Every found yourself "building" such a scenario, and working yourself into a state of overstimulated anxiety?

In actual fact, Bob is angry because he was in the manager's office 10 minutes before starting work with us, and was told he would have to cancel the long getaway weekend he'd planned to take with his wife because an unexpected project came up. Bob's anger-- which we sensed correctly-- actually had nothing to do with us.

As HSPs, we must be careful to not "mind read" and assign "meaning" to situations without having the relevant information on hand. A better approach to Bob's situation might have been to simply say that he seemed upset, and ask if he wanted to take a break, or if there was anything we could do to help. Often the answer will turn out to be much much simpler-- and far less dramatic-- than the scenarios we create inside our minds!

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Talk Back: Have you ever worked youself into a state of anxiety as a result "mind reading?" Did the situation turn out to be far less severe than you'd originally thought? Leave a comment!

HSPs and Choosing Positive Energy

Many Highly Sensitive Persons-- or so it seems-- struggle with their friendships and relationships, often feeling like there's an "imbalance of energy" going on. In many cases, our natural inclination is to be somewhat passive and compliant, and so we attribute the fact that certain (or many) people leave us exhausted to "being highly sensitive."

This isn't always the healthiest approach to the challenges being an HSP and interacting with people. Truth is, a lot of the time the "exhaustion" we feel after an interaction is less about us, than it is about the other person. At the very least, we owe it to ourselves to be cognizant of the fact that we shouldn't automatically "assume responsibility" for the difficulties we experience with other people.

Whereas it may be true that disproportionately many HSPs have had "difficult" or abusive childhoods and/or relationships, and may have certain issues with codependency, I'm not really going to get into that. This post is more about self-awareness NOW, and how we need to look more closely at the people in our lives and recognize the relationships that give us energy, and those to take energy.

This "sorting" can be fairly simply done, merely by looking at how we feel about the prospect of spending time with someone we know. If we genuinely look forward to a contact with someone, odds are they are a "positive energy source." Of course, it's not always that obvious.

Maybe we know someone we always really look forward to seeing, and have a good time with, but end up exhausted at the end. But what is that particular exhaustion about? If' we're merely overstimulated because we always "do so much" with that person, they are not necessarily a "negative energy source." In such a case, it may truly be just a matter of our sensitive nature getting "too much of a good thing."

However, when we think about contact with a person, and are filled with resignation, hesitance, dread, discomfort, anxiety, nervousness or fear... odds are we've got someone who's a "negative energy sink" in our lives. In those cases, it usually pays to heed our intuition, because it's easy to rationalize our dis-ease as "just being too sensitive." And sometimes we can make very "reasonable" arguments with ourselves.

Maybe we rationalize that this person who always leaves us feeling drained is "going through hard times," and that he/she is justified in complaining about every single thing in their life. But if we dig a little deeper, we may be able to realize that this person has been "going through hard times" for 15 years, and we're just "in the habit" of putting up with their negative energy. Remember, someone who is constantly complaining about how bad they feel, or how hard their life is is... indirectly... "demanding" our empathy, and thereby tends to drain our energies.

When looking at our friendships and relationships, it also bears mentioning that even though we may have this idea that "HSPs are nice people," many HSPs can be "energy drainers" as well.

It's one thing to be "highly sensitive," but there are also people out there-- HSPs-- who could more appropriately be described as "highly touchy people." We tend to "cut them a lot of slack" because they are HSPs like ourselves, yet we also find ourselves feeling drained after being around them. Typically, we spend our time with them feeling like we're having to "walk on eggshells," and nothing we ever say seems to be "exactly right." Often, they seem to have very specific agendas for the "right" and "wrong" in their lives... right down to often "scripting" they howwant and need us to respond to their situations. The way we feel almost "forced" to respond in a particular way-- and NOT our "natural" way-- actually comes close to being a subtle form of bullying or emotional abuse.

Be very wary of language like "If you really cared, you'd find a way to change your schedule to have lunch with me."

People who engage in such behavior-- in spite of their possible insistences that they "want things to get better-- are often actually getting their needs served by remaining stuck; able to bully and manipulate others into validating their stuckness, and thereby avoiding the painful issues they need to address before they have any hope of moving on.

As HSPs, we sometimes need to pause and "take inventory" of the people in our lives. Sometimes this can be difficult, challenging and unpleasant, because we occasionally find ourselves face-to-face with the reality that the biggest drains of negative energy is someone very close to us, like a spouse or immediate family member. However, what ultimately helps us feel more alive and capable with our sensitivities is to direct our attention and energy onlt towards those things and people who GIVE us positive energy, while minimizing and/or avoiding those people or things that DRAIN us, with their negative energies.

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Talk Back! When is the last time you took "inventory" of the people in your life? Are you aware of who is a "positive energy giver" and who is a "negative energy taker?" Are you aware of how each kind of person makes you feel? Are there people in your life you know are "energy sinks," but you have been avoiding facing the challenge of ending the relationship? How do you think you would feel, withOUT that person in your life? What, in particular, is holding you back, from addressing the situation? Leave a comment!