HSPs and Healing: How we tend to SEE what we KNOW... and why We Must Move On!

I belong to several dozen forums and groups online-- many often them related to being an HSP, some related to other interests.

As part of the “daily doings,” lots of people post pictures, articles, quotes, book recommendations and all the other bits and pieces that simply seem to be part of an online community. Most of the time, their posts will end with words along the lines of “what do you guys think of this (writer/article/idea/healing method)?” This, too, is part of the natural flow of online groups.

Reading the responses to a post—which often can number in the dozens—is an interesting and valuable reminder of just how much our perceptions are influenced by our experiences. This is especially true when we carry around “wounds” we haven’t fully addressed… and may not even be aware of.

The thing I keep seeing, over and over again, is that we “see” in something—a situation, an idea, a person-- what we know; what we’re familiar with… but not necessarily the actual “truth” or the “facts” right in front of our faces.

So somebody posts an article and asks “What do you think of this person’s viewpoint?”

Those who have been abused and have had abusers in their life, see an abuser.
Those who have been victims of narcissists, see a narcissist.
Those who have been manipulated by people, see a manipulator.
Those whose lives revolve around being a crazy alternative artist, see a crazy edgy artist.
And so on, and so forth.

Observing this pattern repeatedly makes me wonder just how “objective” we are able to be, when faced with essentially neutral situations. Especially if we have lived “difficult” lives, as many HSPs have.

Do we tend to see a metaphorical “snake under every rock” when faced with situations that might (or might NOT, even) remind us of something difficult from the past… or are we able to look at these situations and see them for what they usually are: A “rock” that might have the potential to hide a snake, but probably doesn’t?

Don't get me wrong-- I'm not suggesting that we ignore our intuition. After all we HSPs tend to be highly intuitive people. What I am looking at here is pervasive patterns, as opposed to intuiting things about people and situations on a "case by case" basis. Our intuition is often on the mark... but if we're at a point where even Mother Teresa looks "suspicious" in some way, the issue is probably with US, not with Mother Teresa.

I’m also not suggesting that our experiences shouldn’t be regarded as valuable “teaching moments” and that we should be able to magically step away from our lenses of perception. And I'm well aware that one of the fundamental attributes of the HSP trait is a tendency towards thinking before we act. However, that can go overboard when certain “attachments” to the past end up serving as obstacles we put in our own way. And sometimes it can end up feeling like we are subconsciously “building fences” between us and what we believe we are actually seeking.

This is why it is especially important to work on healing ourselves before we go forth in the world to help others, or become “involved” with others.

As an example, I keep thinking of one particular HSP woman whom I’ve known—in “that Internet way”—for over ten years. For as long as I’ve known her, she has had “dating troubles” and her life seems to be one endlessly long saga of rejecting men because they seem to be “not trustworthy.” In her past, she has had her trust broken… and so, now she doesn’t trust anyone. And every time she meets a new man, she “goes looking” for reasons why he “can’t be trusted.”

Of course, she finds exactly what she’s looking for: Evidence of non-trustworthiness. Her relentless pursuit of this “evidence” clearly clouds—or “unbalances”-- her objectivity about people because she will end up disregarding 99 positive qualities in the search for one specific negative quality… which may even have to be actively coaxed out of hiding, essentially through attempting to"trigger" that attribute in a person who was actually pretty emotionally stable. And so, the cycle continues.

Maybe we all do this to some degree… at least until someone makes us aware that it’s not “others” that are the problem… we are the “common denominator.” This was a challenging concept I had to face, a number of years ago. "They" were not the problem... "I" was. And maybe it’s not “dating.” Maybe it’s “never being able to find a decent job.” Maybe it’s “not being able to maintain friendships.” Maybe it’s “always ending up with a judgmental boss.”

We tend to create our own reality. We will find exactly what we are “looking for” even when we don’t actually think we’re “looking.” In fact, we may believe—quite sincerely—that we’re being “sensibly cautious.” Yet we run the risk of not being able to “see the forest” because of our obsession with one particular tree.

As HSPs, we “process deeply” (which is usually a good thing) and we’re very perceptive (which is also a good thing) and we tend to be very insightful (one more good thing). But sometimes we also tend to learn “too well” from our pasts, and end up obsessing over “something that once happened,” to the point that it keeps us from moving forward and enjoying our lives.

We get in our own way.

Learning to become aware of our own patterns—and to “self check” and pause to examine what is really going on when we get "stuck"—is an important part of healing past wounds and moving on with life.

Now, most HSPs would argue that they are very good at examining and studying their “issues,” and I agree with that… and I'll even add myself to that category. But we must do more with our issues than “study” them; we must process, heal and move on.

Not saying it’s easy—just that it’s important.

I'd like to recommend the book below, which helped me a great deal on my own journey. It's called "Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way." It's not "for" HSPs or about HSPs... but it does contain a lot of valuable and insightful information. Some may find it a little too simplistic, but sometimes you have to start with the basics!

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Talk Back: Are there patterns you keep repeating, even though it feels like you're actively trying NOT to repeat them? Does it sometimes feel like you are putting hurdles in your own way, even though you don't want to? Leave a comment! 

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HSPs, Sociability and Feeling Overstimulated

This past weekend (August 16th-18th) The White Light Express held its annual conference and retreat, here in Port Townsend, Washington.

I mention this because I am a central part of the organization, and thus have lots of attendant responsibilities. And this annual event find me-- as an introverted HSP-- being on the go and having to be very "public" with lots of people, for several days.

There's a common misconception that introverts-- HSP and non-HSP alike-- are "antisocial" and outright "don't like people." That's simply not not true. I actually like people very much but the act of "socializing" (especially with a large group of mostly strangers) is exhausting, for me.

To truly understand what's going on with an HSP when they declare "I really don't like crowds" is typically far less about "avoiding people" than about "avoiding overstimulation." Although the greater world has a fondness for labeling HSPs as being "shy" or "socially anxious" that characterization actually holds true in far fewer instances than most people would think.

At the end of three days of being "public" and "social," I found myself feeling quite worn out. And even though the 60-odd people in attendance at the conference's "main event" were mainly of like-kind beliefs and orientations, being in close proximity to so many "energies" for an extended period of time was draining. The only thing I really wanted to do with the Monday immediately following the conference was to sit and stare at the wall. Alas, that was not entirely possible, as there were "loose ends" to be chased and closed.

And these were nice people, many with similar interests.

Going into the event, I was already a bit "on edge" given that I was going to be teaching a 3-hour workshop on Sunday. It wasn't that I felt like I didn't know my material, or that I would have to "speak in front of people," it was again about a sense of energy drain... not simply as a result of being an introvert, but as a result of being an HSP and "aware" of other people's energies.

As HSPs, it important that we understand the underlying whys of how we get to feeling exhausted... and that we do not accept external perceptions of us to be "facts." So whenever someone is trying to offer you a "good reason" for your social interaction choices, take a step back and ask yourself whether it really "feels true." Most HSPs are really not shy, or socially anxious... they are just... HSPs.

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Talk Back: Do groups of people overstimulate you? Have you ever attributed to "social anxiety" or "shyness" behaviors that might be only the result of being an HSP? Leave a comment! 

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HSP Learning: Elaine Aron's "The Undervalued Self:" An Undervalued Book?

At a recent presentation in Walnut Creek, California Elaine Aron shared that one of her recent books, "The Undervalued Self," has not been selling all that well... at least not in the US. Evidently it is doing quite well in other parts of the world... as an example, she mentioned that just 7,000 copies (as of this spring) have sold in the US, but 36,000 in South Korea.

I was very surprised to learn this because when I read it I concluded that it was possibly Elaine's most important and significant book, maybe aside from her "original" book The Highly Sensitive Person. Elaine, herself, also believes it's an extremely helpful tool for HSPs, and was surprised. Getting this piece of feedback from the workshop left me wondering whether her fans-- being HSPs-- had perhaps been "avoiding" the book because the words "HSP" or "Highly Sensitive Person" weren't in the title.

It just doesn't make sense to me-- this is a REALLY USEFUL book. Anyway, I wanted to take a few moments to talk about this book-- which is part of my personal list of "5 books I recommend to all HSPs."

This book was a very long time in the making. I first became "acquainted" with it when Elaine announced it as her "newest project" at the California HSP Gathering in June 2003. Back then, it had a working title of "At The Crossroads of Love and Power."

The basic premise of the book-- which is based on many years of research done by Elaine and her husband Art, who have spent decades studying how people relate, connect and love each other-- is that human beings have two fundamental "orientations" or strategies in life: "Ranking" (centered around power) and "Linking" (centered around Love and connecting).

Power is about "competing" and how we "rank" ourselves (and others) in social systems... be that at work, in families, in primary relationships. The focus of "power" tends to be hierarchical, i.e. "I'm smarter than Bob, but not as smart as Carol," or "Jenny has more social influence than I do, but I have more influence than Carl."

The other approach is "Love." Love of centered around "connecting" and "cooperating," and is also referred to as "linking." What Elaine discovered in her research is that there is actually a huge correlation between the "linking" strategy and being a Highly Sensitive Person.

"The Undervalued Self" may not be directly about HSPs (it can be relevant to anybody), but it does speak directly to HSPs. As a group-- or "demographic"-- uncommonly many of us face issues surrounding various ways in which we "diminish" ourselves in the world. We are generally uncomfortable in the domain of "ranking" and having to "compete" for our place-- many HSPs even outright reject having a "need" for it in their lives, citing a number of reasons... which Elaine also identifies and explains in the book. And when you combine a general dis-ease with the ranking strategy with a potential non-supportive or even abusive background... we tend to "rank ourselves too low" most of the time.

Now, this may sound like nothing more than "self-esteem, renamed," but there is far more to it than that. Most self-help books simply address the issue of self-esteem and go from there. In "the Undervalued Self" Elaine explores how our innate natures (especially as HSPs) influence the way we gain (or lose) self-esteem.

Being an HSP who "rejects" the need for ranking really does NOT serve us well! We may rationalize that we're "taking the high road" by avoiding hierarchical thinking, and that it "serves" the idealistic part of us that believes everyone has "equal rights"... but actually, we're just avoiding looking at the inevitable: ranking is a necessary part of a functional life. Denying it is a bit like declaring "I don't NEED sunshine!" just because our skin burns easily in the sun. What we need to do is learn to be in the "sun" appropriately, not avoid it altogether.

So what exactly does an "Undervalued" self imply?

Again, this is where the book really IS for-- and about-- HSPs-- and so important for may of us. We experience things very deeply. And because we tend to be soft spoken and "cooperative," we often feel overwhelmed by confrontations. We may feel doubtful that we can emerge from a confrontation (or competitive situation) positively. We have doubts, and perhaps back down, in the (alleged) interest of preserving a "connection." But we still feel "defeated" and may end up internalizing that negatively... and are more likely to simply accept a "low rank," rather than actively compete for the spot that reflects where we actually belong. This is something many HSPs have experienced in the workplace, for example, getting passed over for promotions and ending up "underemployed." We become truly "undervalued" when we engage in a pattern of actively "avoiding defeats." In other words, we don't even compete for that promotion, because we (believe) "know" we won't get it, anyway, so "why bother."

The book is an excellent exploration of how "ranking" and "linking" work, then on how to identify the ways in which we undervalue ourselves, the rationalization we use (Elaine calls them "the Six Self-protections"), how to silence our inevitable "inner critics" and finally on how to build stronger relationships that will lead to healing that "Undervalued Self."

We HSPs are marvelous people with many gifts to offer the world. Although it may be an uncomfortable-- and even scary-- journey, it's important that we learn how to let our lights shine... rather than "hide them in the closet" somewhere.

One of the questions... or "observations," if you will... that came into my head and led to this post was this: "Do we, as HSPs, question and avoid competition SO much that we will even go as far as to not support a book that brings that very avoidance into question, as a life strategy?" Perhaps that's a stretch, as far as reasoning goes... but it's also precisely one of the points Elaine brings up in the book. It doesn't always serve our best interests to actively avoid all things competitive; all things "ranking." Instead, we must seek a healthy balance.

"The Undervalued Self" is an excellent guidebook for that process... I highly recommend it! The link in the little box below is to Amazon... as you can see, copies of this book have become fairly inexpensive-- and I think you'd get a lot out of it. And don't worry, just because it says "buy now" you will NOT have to buy something-- the link is just to Amazon's descriptive page with more information, reader reviews and more.

As an aside, I would like to invite you to visit the HSP Notes Bookstore, which has 100's of handpicked books chosen with HSPs in mind... most are in my personal library, in addition to numerous others that were recommended by fellow HSPs.

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Talk Back: Have you read "The Undervalued Self?" If yes, what did you think? If no, how come? Was it a book you thought about "getting later?" 

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Teaching a Workshop About Highly Sensitive Men

In a bit of a departure from the normal "fare" here on HSP Notes, I'm pleased to announce that I have been invited to teach a workshop:

Understanding the Highly Sensitive Man: An introduction to the "hidden" HSPs

I am excited to be giving this workshop in conjunction with the 

2013 Annual White Light Express Conference & Gathering

In Port Townsend, Washington -- Sunday August 18th, 2013 -- 10:00am - 1:00pm

This marks a bit of a departure for me, putting me a little outside my normal comfort zone. I have previously taught workshops on various HSP topics within the relatively "safe" confines of the HSP Gathering Retreats and various HSP Meetup groups... this is the first time I will be giving a workshop "in public" at the general conference and gathering centered around healing. 

About the workshop: This is not so much for highly sensitive men, as about highly sensitive men. You don't need to be an HS man to attend; you don't even have to be an HSP, for that matter... just bring curiosity and a willingness to learn. 

View of Port Townsend Bay in late summer

The plight of highly sensitive men is near and dear to my heart. HS Men face a unique set of challenges, many of which are less about "being sensitive" than about "dealing with cultural biases and stereotypes." I think the world loses a great deal of creative potential by the way it often makes HS men feel like they need to "hide in the shadows." I am committed to being part of a small-- but growing-- movement to change that. I may be "just one person," but every time "just one person" stands up and makes himself heard, some tiny changes happen. 

An avalanche may look like a huge and powerful thing, but never forget that an avalanche starts because ONE snowflake moved, somewhere.

For more information about my workshop, please visit this page on my web site.

For more information about the White Light Express Conference, where you can also learn about the other workshop presenters and events and register for my workshop (and others!), please visit their main conference page.

It would be cool to see some familiar faces at the workshop, so if you're in the Seattle or greater Puget Sound area, I hope you'll come by! Or if you're further away and willing to make a trip here-- Port Townsend is a lovely seaside town and peaceful destination in the summer-- would love to see you here!

HSPs and the Fine Art of Building Up, not Tearing Down

You've probably had people in your life who seemed very negative... and whose primary purpose in the world seemed to be to "tear apart" pretty much any idea or suggestion that comes along. Of course, such a tendency isn't necessarily "an HSP thing."

That said, we HSPs-- possibly as a result of our tendencies to dwell deeply and endlessly on bad things that happened to us in the past-- seem to have a way of finding reasons "not to."

What do I mean by that?

We often seem to be a wellspring of reasons "not to" participate, "not to" share an opinion, "not to" get involved, "not to" join something and more. Perhaps you even recognize this in yourself... and-- most likely-- you have a "perfectly reasonable" explanation whenever you choose this path.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with retreating to your "comfort zone" if you genuinely feel like something is going to overstimulate and overwhelm you. However, when it's "just an excuse" and that comfort zone shrinks to no more than a tiny hole that excludes almost all of life... then we have a problem. And that may also be when it starts feeling like others are judging us negatively.

Think about this for a moment: Do you find yourself in situations where someone asks you to be part of something, or do something, and the first thing that comes into your mind is to try to find all the ways in which what's being offered is "wrong?" Do you sometimes apply this to people... people who are perhaps trying to befriend you, and yet you decide to "find fault" with some trivial aspect of who they are... so you can back away from the friendship?

Conversely, sometimes it's ourselves we "tear down," not others. Maybe we're asked to be part of some activity, but back away and beg off, citing that we're not "experienced enough" or "skilled enough." Underneath... we simply feel "not worthy."

It's not easy being an HSP in a not-so-sensitive world. I'll be the first to admit that...

Sometimes, though, we just have to say "yes" and start building something, rather than always finding fault and tearing things down.

It's a simple fact of life-- not just HSP life-- that it's easier to tear something down, than to build it up. And it's easier to try to force others to bend their reality to fit ours, than to step up and make compromises of our own.

Of course, you may be reading these words and thinking "But wait! It's usually ME who gets town down, not vice versa!"

Even if that is so, this is still an invitation to "start building." When we work on ourselves and have a solid "foundation," then it becomes not only easier to stand up to those who would tear us down, it becomes easier to go forth in the world and be participants who say yes-- from a place of awareness-- because we have a stronger sense of self to return to, even when we do make compromises.

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HSPs, Choices and the "Chaotic" People in Our Lives

I have been spending a few days among the red rocks of Sedona, Arizona-- one of my favorite places on the planet. Although it's really a "working" vacation-- Sarah was giving a workshop here, and we had some people to see-- being away from home and familiar surroundings is always a good time to pause and reflect... and to generally think about the deeper issues in our world.

In the course of being part of the HSP community for many years, it has often struck me how often HSPs seem to become "embroiled in drama," often involving abusive, needy, usary or outright crazy people.

Bell Rock in Sedona, up close and personal

Although most vehemently will defend their own "innocence" in these chaotic relationships, it has also struck me how often chaotic and hurtful situations arise not "because of other people," but as a result of our own choices, needs and the way we feel about ourselves.

What is really going on, when we have a "chaos monger" in our lives? Why do we choose them? And I'm sorry, but NO... we're not just "innocent bystanders," at least most of the time.

There are typically two really common dynamics at play... both of which are related to our senses of self... and, by extension, dubious self-esteem.

In one scenario, an almost compulsive "need to help" drives us to-- basically-- to surround ourselves with people who need "help." Many would argue that it's "compassionate" and "the right thing" to help those who are struggling... and that's a valid point. However... there is a price to pay (overstimulation, exhaustion, frustration) for being the perpetual "caretaker" for someone who doesn't attempt to solve their own issues and expects us to be eternally accountable for their issues.

Red rocks of Sedona, AZ

Many would say "But I didn't CHOOSE these people!" and maybe that's true, in an "active" sense... as in, we don't go out there and openly advertise "I want to look after life's hopeless needy nutballs," but what does happen is that we don't start saying "no" as their obvious-- as well as subtle and subconscious-- demands start to manifest and increasingly ramp up. In the longer term... we HSPs end up "holding the bag" where someone with healthier boundaries (and less "investment" in being perceived as compassionate) would long since have said "sorry, you're a drain on my life, get lost!"

But how is it that we are actually accountable, here? Usually the problem is that we feel like we have no "personal value," aside from how it's measured by our capacity to "take care of" others... and "help them when they are troubled." In other word, we don't perceive ourselves being valuable as human beings, if we're not "caretaking." Think about it, for a moment... not on the "surface," but at its deepest level... who would you be, if you were not always taking care of your needy friend's latest crisis? Who would you be, if you were not lamenting that all your time and bandwidth was being used up, by someone else?

These are not intended as "blaming" questions... merely as a deeper line of self-inquiry.

The above, of course, is a fear based response... often learned in childhood and youth, from our families of origin who perhaps marginalized and diminished us unless we were "useful."

Closely related is a second scenario, also fear based: It is a general fear of "strong" people who have their lives together. We fear we are "small and inadequate" in their company, and that they couldn't possibly be interested in spending time with us, because their lives seem so much more successful and "together" than our own... and so we fear they would "abandon" us, once they discover the "truth" about how small and seemingly insignificant and boring our lives are. In short, we lack a sense of "worthiness," in their company.

So, when we put the two together (as sometimes happens), not only to we choose to "hang onto" people who are using us and causing us grief, but we also end up feeling afraid to choose the company of those who would actually be good for us, because we fell like we are "less than" they are.

There is not an "easy fix" here... but the road to healing and moving to a better place with ourselves starts with simple awareness of our own patterns; of the choices that are causing us grief.

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What do YOU think? Do you often feel like you're surrounded by people who need to be "taken care of?" Does their presence exhaust you? Does it feel like they just have "insinuated themselves" there? Have you ever considered that you-- by your direct or indirect actions-- INVITED them to be there? Does it sometimes feel like you wish you had "more together" friends... yet you feel intimidated by people who seem to "have it all together?" Please leave a comment and share your experiences!

If You're an HSP-- It's Time to Stand up and be Counted!

There are a great many traits, characteristics, interests, behaviors, conditions and preferences that influence our lives.

Maybe we are HSP's-- Highly Sensitive Persons. Maybe we are "introverts." Maybe we have "allergies." Maybe we identify with a Myers-Briggs type preference like "INFJ" or we prefer an enneagram type like "Type Nine." Maybe we're "ADHD" or have "CFS" or are prone to "anxiety." Maybe we are "gifted" or "empaths." Whatever the identifiers might be, it all adds up to some kind of "acronym soup."

Don't misunderstand-- I have nothing against "acronym soup;" I actually believe all these different labels can offer us very useful insights that help us navigate life. They only become an "issue" if we reach a point where we substitute "the label" for "who we truly ARE."

Which bring me to a particular statistic I like to send through my twitter account on a regular basis:

HSP factoid: If HSPs are truly 15% of the population, there are over ONE BILLION of us on the planet!

Pretty stunning piece of information, don't you think?

The above is based on Elaine Aron's original research which shows that 15-20% of the population are HSPs. I'm using the "conservative" lower number, here. As I write these words, the "population clock" on the U.S. Census web site estimates the world population to be 7,078,772,000 people. It estimates the population of the United States to be 315,673,000 people. If you use the 15% figure, that means:

There are an estimated 1,061,815,800 Highly Sensitive Persons on planet Earth.
There are an estimated 47,350,950 Highly Sensitive Persons in the United States.

Let that sink in, for a moment.

Pretty amazing, isn't it?

Now consider this: If there truly are so many HSPs... where on earth are they?

The other day, I was on a busy commuter time ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island. As I wandered around to pass the time on the 30-minute crossing, it occurred to me that since I was in close proximity to 2500-odd people, it also meant there were probably 400 HSPs within a few hundred feet of me.

It made me pause to consider a simple question: How many of them KNOW they are HSPs? Then the follow-up question: How would their lives be different, if they did know?

I spent the next 20 minutes sitting in the car, in my version of "deep thought." It occurred to me that there are lots and lots of "attributes" found in a significant percentage of the population, as well as some found in maybe only 1-2% and they all get lots more attention than "being an HSP." More people are aware of them, more people talk about them, and each of them have more to say about it.

I went looking for HSPs on the web, and considering how many of us there are and that the idea has been "in the public arena" for over 15 years, I was amazed at just how invisible we are. And in the few places where we are visible, how little we participate.

So I went on a longer "journey," trying to figure out where "we" are.

First I looked at HSPs as compared to other interests or attributes. I visited some INFJ Myers-Briggs/Jungian typology forums which were among my old haunts. It seemed relevant since the majority of INFJs are also HSPs. An INFJ forum I used to belong to currently has about 7400 members with hundreds of discussions every day.

This, for an "interest" that's present in less than 1.5% of the general population. By comparison, the largest and most active HSP group online is on Facebook and has about 2500 members.

To compare something different, I looked at introverts online. 70-75% of HSPs are introverts, and HSPs account for something on the order of half the world's introverts... so there's a lot of overlap, as well as some similarities and negative biases-- introverts are often seen as "too quiet" and "shy," by the world.

I found the introvert communities online to be thriving and active. I found it ironic that author Susan Cain's (she wrote the book "Quiet" and is also an HSP) forum just for her book is almost twice the size of the largest HSP forum.

So I decided to take a different approach-- looking at high sensitivity from the angle of being more of a "problem" than an "interest." Back in days long gone, I was part of an online community offering support for those suffering from social anxiety-- an issue more than a few HSPs report to be part of their lives.

Social Anxiety affects an estimated 5% of the population, compared to 15-20% HSPs. My reasoning for going this route was that maybe HSPs are quiet about the trait because of hesitance that it's seen negatively. Similarly, Social Anxiety carries a bit of a negative connotation and stigma.

I was surprised to find that the old SA community online now has 115,000 members who have contributed millions of discussions. And that's just one of many such forums. In a related sense, I looked at an ADHD forum I'm vaguely acquainted with. Again a condition affecting maybe 6-8% of the population... here the forum (one of numerous) had some 71,000 members and lots of active dialogue. So, clearly, "fears of being perceived negatively" does not prevent people from participating in online communities.

By now, this was getting increasingly puzzling to me. Being a Highly Sensitive Person is something that clearly affects people's lives, clearly suggests the need to educate oneself and develop good life management skills, and clearly is a trait whose members benefit greatly from "peer connections" to share ideas and information.

Not happy with what I was finding, I did a little further digging, this time using my experience as a webmaster, researcher and e-commerce marketer.

Here's what I found: On one hand, more people are looking for information about high sensitivity and HSPs than ever before-- a trend that has been in place for at least eight years. During the same period, search queries for both Social Anxiety and ADHD have actually declined somewhat, while search volume for INFJs and Introverts have both increased.

After finally examining the "raw numbers" of search queries for different terms, some of the issue became clearer: In spite of being in the public awareness since 1996, there just aren't that many of the world's billion+ HSPs who know the trait even exists. And those who do know? They generally avoid talking about it... like it's a "secret" attribute.

That also gave me pause for thought. People seem more willing to be open about having a sexually transmitted disease than about being highly sensitive??? That just does not make sense, when you back away and consider it in a "big picture" sense....

Getting a little more "personal" with what I discovered, a very rough estimate would suggest that maybe two percent of the 47 million HSPs in the US are even aware they are "HSPs." Of those two percent, I expect a majority are very hesitant about letting anyone "know" about it.

But that's not all the explanation. More can be found in the phrase "non-participation." As keeper of several dozen web sites, blogs and forums I get to look at a lot of site visitor logs. Ironically, my HSP related properties (as opposed to "business" or "writing" or "stamp collecting") are some of the most visited, while at the same time being the least interactive.

I recently experimented a bit with this by installing a couple of totally anonymous interactive polls on a couple of HSP-related articles I have online. Sure enough, as long as anonymity was assured, participation shot up... with something like one-in-three visitors answering a couple of questions where before one-in-about-500 had chosen to make even a short comment, or click the Facebook "like" button.

What does this all mean to us, as highly sensitive people; as a growing global "community?"

From 15-odd years of following the dialogue and trends of HSP forums around the world, one of our overriding core concerns is having those around us recognize that we're "not crazy," and that our sensitivity is "not all in our heads." Ideally we'd like to be able to say "I'm an HSP" and not have the ensuing explanation turn into someone rolling their eyes at us.

Basically, we want to "be seen" as highly sensitive individuals, without negative judgments or cultural biases. We want our medical and mental health professionals to be aware of-- and acknowledge-- the trait, so we can get care that fits our sensitive nervous systems, rather than ignores them. We don't ask for "special treatment," just validation.

These are reasonable and honorable aspirations.

But... to be perfectly blunt... how the HELL do we expect that to happen if we're constantly "hiding" the fact that we're highly sensitive? How can things possibly change if we're not telling anyone, and not becoming members of-- and active participants in-- virtual and real life groups and communities??? How are the 46 million HSPs in the US who don't know about the trait ever going to escape from being misdiagnosed and drugged into oblivion for an ever-increasing basket of "disorders" and "syndromes" when we're not willing to be "visible examples" to them? How are they going to get off the "pathologization treadmill" and live fulfilling lives that are true representations of their essential selves... if we're going to persist in hiding our sensitive "lights" under a bushel?

Yes, the world is sometimes a harsh and scary place for the highly sensitive among us. And yes, it hurts when people judge us and marginalize us. But how can we expect things to "change" as long as we approach sensitivity with more secrecy and reluctance than social anxiety and even warts on our privates? How will things ever change, if we're not willing to STAND UP AND BE COUNTED??

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Talk Back! Do you feel free to share (if asked) that you're highly sensitive, or do you have fears about others knowing you are an HSP? If you step back and take an objective look, are there "personal" things you share that are probably "worse" than being highly sensitive, yet seem easier to talk about? If you don't share the trait (especially if asked something like "what's wrong?"), what is your primary concern about sharing? Please share your experience and leave a comment!

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The Nuts and Bolts of being a Highly Sensitive Person

I haven't been writing much, as of late.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've actually been writing quite a lot... I just haven't been writing a lot of blog posts. Instead, I have been writing some "guest gigs" elsewhere, and I have been working on free-standing articles for various publications and web sites... things that are generally a little too deep and "involved" to fit into a blog post.

It's funny how our choices and actions in life sometimes are among our best "teachers" of what is important to us. I always knew that I wanted to write... but "just writing" was an obstacle for many years in the sense that I wasn't always very good about coming up with "something" to write about. I had no particular expertise or "niche focus," and my skills at writing fiction were a bit dodgy because I fairly broadly sucked in the area of character development. I could write dialogue, I could write descriptive prose, and I could "get from point A, to point B" with some skill. However, the people in my stories were rarely "interesting." In fact, they were mostly mousy, flat and two-dimensional... perhaps a reflection of the fact that I generally steered a wide course around "risky," "dangerous" and "psychotic" people.

Anyway, I never imagined that "being a Highly Sensitive Person" would find a place as the cornerstone that inspires much of my writing.

Most recently, what I have been working on is a fairly thorough article/web page to serve as a broad-based information resource for HSPs. My challenge was to create something that would not only offer a lot of information-- in ONE place-- to someone who had just discovered that they are highly sensitive, but also be useful to those who have been "on the path" for a while and want to learn more. Last-- but certainly not least-- I wanted to come up with something that might be "a useful link" people could send NON-HSP friends and acquaintances to, to tell them a little more about being an HSP.

So, I have created a page called "The Highly Sensitive Person or HSP: What Exactly IS that?" which I'd like to invite you to have a look at... let me know what you think-- either in comments here, or in comments at the end of the article. Don't worry, you won't be asked to pay anything, or become a "member" of something!

Someone on one of the HSP forums recently asked me if I ever write about things that are NOT about HSPs. And the answer to that is "yes," I definitely do. Sometimes I write about writing; sometimes I write about things I feel passionate about, or have expertise with. Sometimes I write about topics related to my various forms of work... and sometimes I write about running a business from home. It all depends.